BeTheMan, I don't know you, but I'm going to throw some ideas and questions out there - brainstorming. Just a thought, but is that really love? Could it be a kind of obsession? IMHO, I don't think a woman is fortunate to be so loved because she will feel there are expectations required from her, that she might not be able to live up to.
Now, I'm not trying to be mean, but think of this as a 2x4, a wake up call, or whatever. You did continue to 'love' someone else for years, even though she would not speak to you. Could it be that you are driving your W away from a love too intense for her to handle? Love does not live in a vacuum. It generally dies eventually if not fed, but also if it's over-watered. Yes, love in a sense of "I care about you, and wouldn't want to see you hurt and lying in the street" always exists after a break-up, if you are a kindly person.
I don't want to minimize your pain, or the hope you carry, but when someone leaves you and is not intending to return (as your W says, thus you must suppose that she is speaking the truth), surely you must try and start detaching. Try and look at yourself from the outside, objectively. I know how painful it is, but please don't imagine this will be how you will exist for the rest of your life. In time, it will get better.
Are you seeing a counsellor to vent and discuss?
Sorry, if this seems mean. I sure don't want to add to your pain.
I tend to agree with much of the above, and think this could be fertile stuff to work out with a good IC. Most R issues, left un-tended, will repeat themselves in future relationships unless we can learn why we do what we do.
