To H3ll and Back

[MynameisMZ]

Just wondering if it's normal (it must be) to have feelings of a set-back in myself. In fact I know that Michele says that things can be going along well and then something triggers you and you go down.

I went down yesterday. Actually since 1 year mark I've been triggering. H had all this lust for OW. I suggested to H that we shower together in the AM and he said, "All my stuff is upstairs in that shower, I'm just going to go up there." I was crushed. Then we went food shopping. I wanted to stop by one of my favorite stores for something. I have rarely been able to go into that store since the discovery because one of my best friends said she saw them in there and the chemistry was quite evident. However, I decided to "get over it" and ask to go in. He couldn't have been more removed, bored, anxious to leave. Never following me to where I was going or being engaged (as he must have been with her) and then telling me I kept leaving him.
I told him I was looking for hooks and towel racks....something we both want. It crushed me for a 2nd time within 5 hours! Then we ran into one of our closest friends in the grocery store. The last time we all got together I had a big meltdown. I mean a big meltdown....quite bad. As we were standing there, all I could think about were all the times we went to their house, presumably under the auspices of being a very happily married couple. Sure we had some bumps in the road, but I really believed, and I truly say this with total honesty, I REALLY believed we could weather any storms and work anything out. I'd been living under a false belief system for 2 years. It crushes me....again for #3....and all within a day.

I keep telling myself that I know he loves me. I do know that. That is not the issue. The issue is with me and how I have to completely reorder and do inventory of how I believed our M to be. I'm quite overwhelmed. Especially so because in the late fall of 2005 we had some incidents and went to therapy. H wondered if Humpty Dumpty could be put back together again. Yeah, his words, "Humpty Dumpty" and we all know that all the kings horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty together again. BUT, I really thought we did. Yet, it wasn't even 2 years that he began the EA. He says we didn't do enough therapy and while I do agree, it seems like a bit of a cop-out. Wouldn't it make sense that because of our previous history, he did know how to head off danger that Humpty was on the wall again. He is not stupid. I'm in a not so good place today or these past few days.

We had a big fight last night. He told me that he thought I loved feeling hurt, playing the victim. Not a good thing to say to me. He said that I build a wall between us when I act that way. I build the wall? I think an A is a pretty big wall. you want to talk about walls? I am so devastated....still. It never seems to go away, she is always just a step away in something we do, somewhere we go, people we see. Yeah, I get angry, for sure. I've given this man many chances in our R. Am I just being stupid for staying? Will I regret it again? That is where I am today.