Just wondering if it's normal (it must be) to have feelings of a set-back in myself. In fact I know that Michele says that things can be going along well and then something triggers you and you go down.
I went down yesterday. Actually since 1 year mark I've been triggering. H had all this lust for OW. I suggested to H that we shower together in the AM and he said, "All my stuff is upstairs in that shower, I'm just going to go up there." I was crushed. Then we went food shopping. I wanted to stop by one of my favorite stores for something. I have rarely been able to go into that store since the discovery because one of my best friends said she saw them in there and the chemistry was quite evident. However, I decided to "get over it" and ask to go in. He couldn't have been more removed, bored, anxious to leave. Never following me to where I was going or being engaged (as he must have been with her) and then telling me I kept leaving him. I told him I was looking for hooks and towel racks....something we both want. It crushed me for a 2nd time within 5 hours! Then we ran into one of our closest friends in the grocery store. The last time we all got together I had a big meltdown. I mean a big meltdown....quite bad. As we were standing there, all I could think about were all the times we went to their house, presumably under the auspices of being a very happily married couple. Sure we had some bumps in the road, but I really believed, and I truly say this with total honesty, I REALLY believed we could weather any storms and work anything out. I'd been living under a false belief system for 2 years. It crushes me....again for #3....and all within a day.
I keep telling myself that I know he loves me. I do know that. That is not the issue. The issue is with me and how I have to completely reorder and do inventory of how I believed our M to be. I'm quite overwhelmed. Especially so because in the late fall of 2005 we had some incidents and went to therapy. H wondered if Humpty Dumpty could be put back together again. Yeah, his words, "Humpty Dumpty" and we all know that all the kings horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty together again. BUT, I really thought we did. Yet, it wasn't even 2 years that he began the EA. He says we didn't do enough therapy and while I do agree, it seems like a bit of a cop-out. Wouldn't it make sense that because of our previous history, he did know how to head off danger that Humpty was on the wall again. He is not stupid. I'm in a not so good place today or these past few days.
We had a big fight last night. He told me that he thought I loved feeling hurt, playing the victim. Not a good thing to say to me. He said that I build a wall between us when I act that way. I build the wall? I think an A is a pretty big wall. you want to talk about walls? I am so devastated....still. It never seems to go away, she is always just a step away in something we do, somewhere we go, people we see. Yeah, I get angry, for sure. I've given this man many chances in our R. Am I just being stupid for staying? Will I regret it again? That is where I am today.
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
We had a big fight last night. He told me that he thought I loved feeling hurt, playing the victim. Not a good thing to say to me. He said that I build a wall between us when I act that way. I build the wall? I think an A is a pretty big wall. you want to talk about walls? I am so devastated....still. It never seems to go away, she is always just a step away in something we do, somewhere we go, people we see. Yeah, I get angry, for sure. I've given this man many chances in our R. Am I just being stupid for staying? Will I regret it again? That is where I am today.
She is close because you keep bringing the past into the present. She is close, because you keep dragging them into everything.
Me and my husband went to McDonald's today, and this is the same one they went too two years ago! He didn't order anything, I bet he ordered a Big Mac when he was with her.
You...you...are sabotaging yourself.
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I think an A is a pretty big wall. you want to talk about walls?
No, not really. Rather hear about what you doing in taking them down, instead of maintianing.
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He told me that he thought I loved feeling hurt, playing the victim.
I don't know that you love it, but unless you learn how to forgive and move on, without comparing every thing to the past? You will be in this state of hurt and victimhood.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Listen to Jack3. I think the single biggest reason couples who want to reconcile but end up failing, is b/c either the LBSer cannot forgive, or the WAS thinks the LBSer won't.
There's always the fear in the wayward spouses mind that the LBSer will throw the A in their face down the road. Always holding the A over their head, using in arguments even if it is unsaid. And the LBSer sometimes makes it SO HARD for the WAS to return to "earn back their trust" that the WAS decides it's not even worth it. Especially if they're only being set up for failure. The lbs'er has to keep the road home paved and smooth if they truly want to move forward as a couple. Don't put more obstacles in the way.
Forgiveness isn't easy. But if you decide you want to forgive then start that (and if not, don't try to reconcile b/c without forgiveness on both ends, your m will fail.) Don't waste time faking efforts if forgiveness isn't at least a goal. And forgiveness means a lot of things but it MUST mean you eventually drop the issue and move...what matters isn't the past but "from this day forward"...that's what you two must agree on.
Agreeing on the marital history also isn't necessary to move forward. No one sees the past or present exactly the same and believe it or not, you hurt your spouse many times without even knowing it. So lose the scorecards b/c we all have different ones. Lose the grievance list. And stop thinking about the A.
Seriously assess what you saw of forgiveness as a child in your family growing up. I didn't see it so I had to learn how to do it. IT's a process and there are ways to learn how to do it. It never ever means condoning the behavior but it always means letting go of it at some point. You cannot hold it over their heads.
If you cannot drop the issue of the A, then your m is over. Period. So decide to forgive IF you want the m to work, or go ahead and save time and get a div now. Why stay in a doomed M? To re=cap, a marriage without forgiveness in it, will fail. It's up to you really.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I let OW live in my head for far too long. I had images and knew of places they had been together. I understood intellectually that what I kept thinking , and how I was acting was destructive, but somehow I couldn't stop myself sometimes.
In the end I had to forgive......or it would have turned to poison. I have never forgiven OW, ( I don't have that in me and she was extremely manipulative and self serving), but I have forgiven both H and myself for the actions that led to his 18 month PA. What I have had to also do is make sure I have learned from what led up to it all.
One of the biggest helps for me in healing was that my H owned his part in what happened. Although embarrassed and shamed by his actions, he faced them and discussed things with me.....even when he would much prefer to have ignored them. He could see that it helped me in the healing process, even though he could also see it hurt me at the same time.
The only thing that can never be given back is the loss of exclusivity that we had had from when we started dating and got M'd. That still hurts.
I cycle with things. A year after the A happened I still wasn't 'really' forgiving anyone, ( it has to happen in it's own time IMO). Anniversaries, like a year from when he last slept with OW, (which was on my youngest D's birthday so it is hard to forget), really set me off. Christmas and other family times etc.....they all contained triggers. However, with time, the cycles get further apart and the pain diminishes, whilst new memories and happy times replace the tarnished ones.
My therapist told me that it is important to always have something to look forward to......even if it be something small. That has really helped me.
We are several years on from the crisis point and M seems to be going well, but I still make sure I try to keep things 'healthy' in the M. This September we celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary - yay
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
