confused bolt

[Drew]

Bolt,

You are getting advice from some of the very best here .......

[Queen_of_Swords]

This was recommended by a friend who has an ex-spouse that is horrific. You might find it useful as well: http://www.amazon.com/Divorce-Poison-Pro...485&sr=1-11

[Bolt]

you all are terrific. Really, I do mean that from the bottom of my heart.

I'm in a much better place for two reasons.

One, the judge got to talk to both of my girls. He actually asked them where they wanted to live. My youngest said her mother and my oldest said me. I know they may not get busted up but my oldest is having a very hard time away from me. I was the primary caregiver for the last 1.5 years and she has grown very close to me. I don't want to take them away from their mother at all. As a matter of fact, I'm looking at moving closer so we can both be more involved. I'm ready to give up my career for my kids.

So that part is being taken care of. It's not in my hands anymore and more importantly, not in her hands.

I'm very proud of my kids for being so strong and have never loved them as much as I do now. They really are tough. Now I need to nurture them and remember they are KIDS.

But more importantly, I am not letting HER get to me. I had very polite conversations with her while at the court today. When it started to turn sour, I simply cut it off or walked away. We played mommy and daddy very well. Even joked with the kids - we both laughed. That felt good to do that with our kids. I left the convos to that.

But the best was when she texted me after she heard the oldest D wanted to live with me. She went crazy and thought I was f'd if I thought that would be good for them. I didn't let her get to me. I knew it was out of my hands and in the judge's. I also knew that she could do nothing about it. AND most importantly, nothing TO ME.

That was truly freeing. I know that for tonight, at least, I can sleep at night.

I am going to take this time to reread and read some more. I have to do it at these times because I want to be more prepared for when the moments arise.

So now for the question:
I know she is going to ask me again, what I think about separating the kids. My thoughts? - It's only for 5 weeks. I know that the oldest D won't live with my W. She hates her and hates the environment. What I want to work on is so she doesn't hate her mother. So, I know I can make it work for 5 weeks.

BUT

I don't want W to know any of this. So what should my polite response be?

thanks a TON for today everyone. It has been super. I now have a better outlook but am still willing to put in the work.

[cat04]

What is for five weeks?

[Bolt]

she got a temporary custody order. We had a preliminary hearing yesterday but the judge talked to the girls today. The final hearing is in 5 weeks. So the judge asked the girls what parent they wanted to live with for the next 5 weeks.

[MHL]

Bolt,
So glad you are feeling better......

Remember this day for future reference......

The day got better.......it always gets better.....

IN TIME.

Today will help you get through other tough days......

and unfortunately there will be more....

BUT

Eventually the days turn into hours and the hours turn into moments.......

IN TIME.....all in Time my good man.

I will caution you strongly about the situation developing with your oldest daughter.........watch your words carefully.

I speak from expertise unfortunately on this one.....infact I just got back from the weekly therapy session that my D14 has to deal with the hatred she has for her mother.

My daughter has not spoken to, nor laid eyes on her mother for about 2 months and that was only after a brief reconciliation between them that lasted about 8 weeks. Prior to that my D14 did not talk to nor visit her mother for a majority of 2010.

My daughter lives with me 100% of the time and it not only affects her but it also affects my S10 who still goes to see his mother.

We can talk more about that later.

For tonight, sleep well my friend.

Cheers

[Bolt]

MHL, we will definitely talk about that. I'm interested in the book that was posted earlier too. I don't want her to hate the W but it's already happening.

So did they split custody? One with you and one with her?

[punkin]

Bolt,

One of my best friends' parents got divorced when they were pre-teens. She, the eldest, chose to stay with her father. Her little sister went with the mother. Things work out. They are all a happy family. Mom & Dad are back to being friends at this point ( 30+ years later) The youngest girl did a little playing Mom off against Dad, but they finally saw through that. They are both healthy and happy, with kids and grands of their own.

It's not a bad thing, should it happen that way. It's just different. What is normal nowadays, anyway?

[Grace_O]

Bolt,

Be careful not only with your words, but what you don't say to your D's. Attitude can be everything.

Kids are so much smarter than we geve them credit for and understand more of this than you may realize. It isn't the same as when I was your D's ages. They are exposed to so much more (even if they are relatively sheltered).

My D's are 18 and 16 now, but when they were younger and we would talk about complex situations in families, I was really blown away by what they understood and could articulate.

Watch for any need they may have for counseling. Sometimes, we (parents) think we can help our kids through all of this. Sometimes, we are wrong.

HUGS

[MHL]

Bolt,
On paper my XW and I have shared custody of our children, I am very lucky in my situation as far as the financial and legal ramifications go. I don't pay any child support nor ailimony but I have my daughter 100% of the time and I have my son most of the time.

I could tell you about how whacked out my XW and how that set up the situation I have now but that really is not important.

What is important is your daughters.

My recomendation is try to keep them together, it will be better for them, I can tell you that their world is being rocked right now and everything is changing. If they are not together they will feel as though they have lost a sibling too.

My son feels this way about his sister when he goes to see his mother every other weekend. It is getting more difficult on him as time wears on.

Grace is spot on about your attitude......you need to show a strong, confident image to your oldest daughter. Not only does she dislike what your W is doing but she will further resent her mother if you allow the pain to show through.

The other thing you need to be prepared for is that your W will blame you for her daughter's feelings towards her. Eventually she may turn that anger towards your daughter.....that is what happened in my situation........it makes a bad situation worse.

I know you have a pile of SHAT on your plate to deal with and it does S U C K but you can get through it.

I did and so can you.

Hey, do me a favor and look up "Little Friday" here for me. It was one thing I did and still do that helped me get through.

hang in there.

Cheers