There are days where I can't believe I'm here...it's all surreal. I'm grateful for the opportunity to share tmy experience with others who have gone and are going through the same journey.
I appreciate your thoughts/insights.
Background:
My wife and I are both from Southern California. We met on the East Coast, she was finishing up college and I was working. Some acquaintances of hers from the church she grew up with in California introduced us.
When we first met, we had instant chemistry and shared similar experiences/background. We were both Asian American, had conservative families, and focused on careers. To an outsider, things looked fine. We continued on our careers paths, and with my encouragement and support my wife completed an MBA at an Ivy League institution. However throughout this time, we were both struggling with identity and self-worth. Despite the inner turmoil, we moved forward.
As we progressed in our careers and climbed the corporate ladder, we worked 60 hours weeks and our jobs required extensive travel. Though it was not the ideal circumstances for a balanced relationship/life, we soldiered along on the path the outside world (e.g., friends, family) told us we should be on.
Fast forward to 2008. My wife abruptly quit her senior management job. She wasn't happy.
[Quick side bar: we got married the previously year when my father was diagnosed with cancer. Up until that time, we delayed marriage/children since we were waiting for the "perfect" situation (e.g., when we achieve XX career position, earned this much, etc.)].
This added a huge amount of stress to our relationship, as we had just purchased a home a year earlier (her dream home), which I felt was more than we could afford, but she insisted that we could make it work. She found a job six months later, though with a lower title and a fifteen percent decrease in salary. During the time between jobs, she immersed herself in outside activities. For instance, she learned to cook/became a foodie, wrote (short stories, screenplays, novel), and did volunteer/charity work. Unlike before, my wife now works a 40 hour week with minimal stress. Also during this time, my wife began seeing a therapist and has continued until now.
During this period, my job required sixty sometimes eighty hour weeks with loads of stress. On top of it, the company I was working for was struggling to survive. This added on top of our financial stress (wife not working) made me not a "fun" person to be around, as I was constantly worried about work and finances. Even when my wife returned to work, the uncertainty of my job was constant stress.
In the Summer of 2010, the company I worked for for ten years shutdown. I quickly found a new position a month later. A part of me wanted some time to re-charge, but our financial obligations made it difficult. During this time, we had begun trying to have children. We were unsuccessful and in November, 2010 we abruptly stopped trying. We got into a heated argument on why, with my wife not wanting to answer.
Fast forward to the present. She informed about filing for divorce at the end of January, 2011. She cited "I'm the giver in the relationship and I'm tired of giving", "I have no more energy left to put into this marriage", "I don't love you anymore", and "I told lies to myself about our relationship". Any attempts for reconciliation went on deaf ears. Disturbing to me was the steps she had taken in advance to prepare for the divorce (e.g., spreadsheet of action items -- separate bank accounts, finding apartment, legal filings), it was/is all very clinical.
In February, 2011, the company I was working for laid me off due to finances. My wife knows it's a tough time for me, but needs to honor her needs first. In the initial divorce papers, she feels she divided things equitably. When I mentioned to her that she would need to pay spousal support if I asked, she went berserk. "You would ask me for money. What else do you need to take away from me?" As she characterizes it, our relationship is an investment that had a horrible ROI and it's time to move one. "My life is half over, I need to find a better investment."
It appears to me she's had an "Eat, Pray, Love" epiphany. Since moving out, she's traveled to wine country in Nor Cal, explored restaurants, gone sky diving, immersed herself in movies/books ("Under the Tuscan Sun", LeDivorce", "Nine"). I've been focused on my next job and trying to see how we can keep the house from foreclosure. I've been taking time out for me too, but it's quite a up and down process with good and bad days.
Thank you for reading this far...I appreciate again any insights/thoughts.
__________________________ M: 47; W: 39 M: 4.5 yrs; T: 18 years No children Separated: 01/19/11 Wife Served Papers: 02/1/11 Wife moved: 03/05/11 Responded: 04/14/11
Please don't take this the wrong way. I myself am Asian and understand a lot of the cultural pressure for success. It looks like she hit a mid life crisis. Her sudden resignation of her job to me shows that maybe she found out that 60 hour weeks and dream houses was not what was going to make her happy. So instead she now wants to live a "carefree fantasy life". There is nothing wrong with that. The problem is that she failed to communicate this to you (or you failed to get her signals). She will most likely claim she tried to let you know. The other thing is that she is also leaving you stuck with the house and other expenses. Very irresponsible, but in a way it feeds her fantasy, right?
She is currently re-evaluating her whole life, and that includes you. She probably even blames you for most of it.
Ok so she has this fantasy of what life can be without you. So what can be done.
1. Accept and validate how she feels. You're not going to change her mind through logic or reasoning just accept it. She wants freedom and is suffering from grass is greener on the other side syndrome. Admit that maybe you don't have the greenest lawn right now.
2. Let's continue the metaphor. Let her go play on the other lawn. Very often the walk away wife will find. That her freedom is not what she thought it would be. Ultimately she needs to decide this for herself though.
3. Finally you need to add some fertilizer to your own lawn to attract her back. Go out there have fun, live the life she herself is trying to live. You might find that she may come back to live it with you.
You're right...she said I failed to get her signals. Being Asian, we're both taught to make the best of the situation. As I mentioned, work/life balance was horrible and we internalized alot.
While I'm GAL and acknowledging that the "grass is the greenest", how does my WAW know things have changed when we aren't communicating? Confused by the 180 checklist.
Again appreciate the support/advice! It's so hard to let go of logic and reason when we're both such quantitative folks, though now my WAW is more right brain oriented.
_______________________ M: 47; W: 39 M: 4.5 yrs; T: 18 years No children Separated: 01/19/11 Wife Served Papers: 02/1/11 Wife moved: 03/05/11 Responded: 04/14/11
Welcome aboard. Don't give up if you don't receive a lot of replies over the holiday weekend. There is more traffic during the weekdays.
I'm so sorry you find yourself in the boat with a lot of couples these days. So much stress on couples to "have it all", and in most cases....it's just trying to survive in the world.
Your W might be experiencing some midlife crises, IDK. It was the statement about her life being half over that got my attention. We do know two things.....she has walked away and she is in emotional crises.
Do you know if she is hanging out with new friends? Has there been a change in her appearance (more youthful, sexy clothes), coloring her hair, acting like a teenager? Has she given up old friends to hang out with younger one?
Another stresser to many M these days is the modern social network. Was she keeping her cell phone glued to her body? Did she take calls and leave the room to talk? What about TM's? And FB is a huge problem with M troubles b/c the S can locate an "old high school BF" or new ones.
Lots of questions, but the more you can tell us, the more we may be able to help.
Please post often, and don't give up.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
When she was working 60+ hours a week and traveling, there wasn't a lot of time for friends/social life. When she switched jobs which resulted in less stress/hours, she immersed herself in social media. She found a group of friends online who shared an interest in writing, one of the many interests she immersed herself in. The composition/make up of this group is much different than our old friends. She communicates exclusively via FB, Twitter, maybe email. Recently this group had a get together and for many, it was the first time members of the group had ever met face to face. Another big interest is food, and she has now found an online community there as well. She moved on from the writing site, but still keeps up with the group of friends she met there.
When she moved out, all she took were her clothes and writing/cooking books. Yes, she colored her hair and she began re-engaging in interests from college (e.g., music, reaching out to the siblings of her first boyfriend).
Also as I GAL, how does my WAW know this if we don't have contact as outlined in the 180 list other than when we talk about the legal stuff? Appreciate some insight.
This journey is filled with up and down days. It's comforting to know there are others who have been/are on this trip too. Thank you in advance for the support.
Happy Easter!
__________________________ M: 47; W: 39 M: 4.5 yrs; T: 18 years No children Separated: 01/19/11 Wife Served Papers: 02/1/11 Wife moved: 03/05/11 Responded: 04/14/11
_______________________ M: 47; W: 39 M: 4.5 yrs; T: 18 years No children Separated: 01/19/11 Wife Served Papers: 02/1/11 Wife moved: 03/05/11 Responded: 04/14/11
Also as I GAL, how does my WAW know this if we don't have contact as outlined in the 180 list other than when we talk about the legal stuff? Appreciate some insight.
There may times where it's implied GAL is to get the attention of the WAS, but it is really for you. It gets you out of the environment that you are stuck in and helps spark you old personality or develop a newer/better one. It helps to get your focus off your stitch 24/7.
As for her knowing, it's strange how the words gets around...but it does. Let her hear from somebody else. If you post it on FB or you try to insert it in your conversations.....it is a huge turn-off to her.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sorry if I made it sound like GAL is strictly for her. It is not. GAL is supposed to get you through this hard time, but has the nice second order effect of getting their attention. As stated before don't be obvious!!! The best way of doing that is truly doing it for yourself.
Here are a couple of ideas.
1. Don't have facebook? Consider getting one it is a great social tool and you will find yourself making a lot of new friends. Just one warning don't add her. This may be seen as pursuing. Let her instead stumble upon your profile through your shared friend network. Also don't use it as your platform for feeling sorry for yourself, use it as a place to show the world how great you are. She might notice.
2. Do GAL for real. You need distraction you need fun. The attitude you get from it will show through. Even if you are just working on divorce logistics a good attitude rather than a bad one will be noticed by her. "you seem upbeat today, oh I just came back from surfing....."
3. Show her you don't need her to be happy!!! Counterintuitive I know, but remember she blames you for all her unhappiness and probably thinks you are an unchangeable miserable person. Show her you are happy and she will start doubting her old assumptions.
4. Help her expedite the divorce. I know more counterintuitive stuff. Ok memorize this line: "I wish it wouldn't turn out this way, but if you think this is the best for the both of us I will help you out as much as I can." She might ask "well what do you think". You can reply with: "Well it's not what I want, but I know I will do well without you." This needs to be your mantra. It accomplishes a couple of things. A. It doesn't make you look hopeless and miserable WAW don't find this attractive. B. It will change her way of looking at you. C. It will help you accept that her decisions are beyond your control and that YOU don't need her to be happy. She needs to understand this, but most importantly you do too!!! D. It will make her think "maybe it's me not him" many WAW will blame everything on you they need to believe that you are the source of all the problems to enable their flight. Show her you don't have problems, she will most likely have some of her own and it will make you more attractive.
Ok so I just gave you all this advice meant to help you get her back. I did so because I know that is your main motivation, but guess what? Unless you do this for yourself she will never notice. DB is not a checklist it's about attitude. If you just go through the motions to get her back she will notice that and resent you more for it. You have very little chance at interaction so you need to come off as your best during these chances with a bright positive attitude. GAL will greatly help, but if you don't mean it she will see right through you.
I think of DB as a great self improvement program that as a secondary effect may save your M. I hope that wasn't preachy or redundant
I'm trying to stay active/busy. My WAW and I have no contact other than an occasional text regarding practical matters. I know that she'll be reaching out soon, as we need to work on a settlement (she's been emphatic about getting this over with as soon as possible).
It's quite a challenge balancing the emotional (hoping for R) and the current reality of the situation/"D". Friends/family around me are adamant about "protecting" myself and not letting her get whatever she wants. I'm working on the weight of these issues not overwhelming me emotionally.
There are good/bad moments throughout the day. It's particularly hard at times when I'm going through the house as it is a constant reminder of our R.
As you and several other folks have mentioned, I need to focus on myself and GAL. It's a struggle at times, but I'm hanging in there.
_______________________ M: 47; W: 39 M: 4.5 yrs; T: 18 years No children Separated: 01/19/11 Wife Served Papers: 02/1/11 Wife moved: 03/05/11 Responded: 04/14/11
