Another New Day 3

[islander]

Well, I am doing ok, but I have to fight to keep my mind in the right place. I was going to tm W tonight to make sure she paid the rest of our bills for this month. Then I thought, why should I do this?? She has only been late once on one bill, and there are still 5 days left in the month. I can atleast wait till the last day.

Truth is, I did want to contact my W. About anything. I miss her. So I stopped myself.

Then I am wondering about her wondering about me all of the time. Should I ask her one of those times if she wants to come over. Am I missing an opportunity here. Does she want me to continue the convo with her. Every time she tells me she is wondering what I am doing, I don't respond after that. Should I ask her what she is doing, thinking, etc.

The one time I did ask her last week, she told me she asked bc she was thinking about coming over but changed her mind. She has asked me what I was doing and replied just wondering atleast two times since then.

[ninelives]

ITs not easy Islander. I miss my wife at time too and last weekend didnt help things,

Staying away from her I think is the best otherwise you keep opening new wounds.

You get a little reprieve when she is around but then she goes to other man and that is painful.

Best to pull off the bandaid and not keep getting hurt until she changes her mind.

Nice to hear from you Islander.

Peace

9

[~ kd ~]

I know the three of us are "at about the same time" in our sitches and all have OMs / EAs or whatever.

I want to respond when there's simple talk, questions of "how you doing?" and similar. So I'm trying to rationalize... Why...?

Nice light conversation should be a good thing, right? But here's the thing... "they" are still involved with their OMs. They want to check our temp, but they aren't telling us what THEIR temp is. They need to understand that we were hurt by their infidelity and that we are trying to move on with our lives because they appear (show with actions) that they are moving on with theirs...

Yet... we want to have the good conversations... find out how they're doing and try to get that connectedness back.

What we do is for us. What do you want, islander?

I think I might just go darker. I need to get on with my life. Not be involved in Ws life because it obviously does not include me. Questions about kids or S / D process will need to be answered. Questions about "how I'm doing" or things like that are not worth answering. And comments are not worth responding to.

That's my thought ATM...

[islander]

Well I backslid big time tonight. Oh well. I couldn't help myself. I called W about the kids and what was going on this weekend. Then we started talking, and I asked her at one point if she had been thinking about things at all. She said yes, that she was very stressed, and it (our m/r) always crosses her mind.

Then the convo went deeper. She said she didn't know if she wanted to go to MC, but had mayybe an IC and see what happens. Then it got deeper. I know everybody knows how it went from my end, so I does not need repeating.

We were both crying. It was a 20 min talk. She said to call her back tonight if I wanted to. I said I wouldn't, and that I always want to call her but don't. She said she would call me sometime. Whatever.

Basically, she said she couldn't make a decision right now. She does kot know what she wants, or what she is able to "handle". She says she knows we did not have any problems in our M where a D would be justified, and she always talks good about me. And I reply, then why walk away without trying????

I asked her why it was right to walk away and wrong to try. She did not have an answer, as I already knew. Anyway, I will suffer the consequences of my actions.

[ninelives]

IDK Islander. She wants to go to a IC but when? Are these just idle words? If she does want to go , why hasnt she?

Be careful, the WAS will often say what you want to hear just so they keep you on the string.

NOw having said that, it sounds to me like there is sill hope to some degree. She says she is not happy and thinks about the R often but is it true? Im sure she thinks about it but does she think about Om as often?

Im not trying to bring you down Islander, Its just that I have seen this happen sooooo many times when they say things like that but dont follow it up with action.

Are they insecure about their future? Possibly.

One thing though, I think you have to knock off being ultra sad around her. She may see this as a weakness and not attractive to come home to.

Dont beat yourself up too much islander. There were some positives that came out of this but NOW you are hanging on to hope like a drowning person to a floatation device.

I KNOW YOU ARE and that may have set you back from getting a life.

Its a slippery slope.

9

[islander]

9
I reread what I posted. It was accurate, but I hope that I did not make it sound more positive than it was. I felt there were many more negatives stated by her too, or maybe it is just that she made several comments that are burning in my mind and hurt. Idk

I came away from our convo with out any new hope, put it that way. She has not filed, and I really don't believe that she will anytime soon either. Other than that, she is in limbo, pretending she is not married, stated "but you know I am seeing somebody" and I replied but you know you are married!!!!
I think that is the statement I can't get out of my head.

[~ kd ~]

stated "but you know I am seeing somebody" and I replied but you know you are married!!!!

That has got to be THE most baffling things that I've seen here and in my own sitch...

How do they get or rather not get that?

Like they completely forget... erased from their memory, that they signed a piece of paper, said vows in front of God and witnesses, stating fact that they enter into the covenant of marriage... willingly and with intention to be so.

It is so bizarre. That's really got to be an indicator of MLC rather than WAS. WAS might leave to live their life alone and do the process of D as something they want to do. But when the "confusion" over the fact that they are married and get into EAs or PAs... c'mon...! At least wait until D before entering into intimate relations with any OP, or even considering it.

I'd have to think that the rule of WAS is no EA / PA whereas MLC would be OP... *shrug*

[islander]

I guess that is what makes this so hard to understand for us. We are not dating, we are Married. There is a difference, and only we seem to get that.

I am sure if I decided to have and A and be a WAS I would have to justify it too. BUT, that is not something I would ever do, and have never done in ANY of my Rs, AND I never will.

Several months ago, my W actually asked me if I thought she was to young for a MLC. I think that it probably fits her right now. BUT, this will be the second time she has been M and decided to leave.

So, I was a little drunk last night and exchanged a few too many tm with W. I reread them today. Thankfully I did not say anything that I regretted, and I was not mean...Whoo, could have been bad...No more contact at all when drinking.

[ninelives]

That is a good idea Islander. Keep taking the high road.

I admire your loyalty to your M. Thai is so comendable considerng all the BS she has put you through.

You are definitely one of the good ones. Better than me and I say that with all sincerity.

God bless Islander

9

[islander]

9
I am not better than you. You seem like a great person and our Ws are CRAZY for walking away.

I have made my share of mistakes.

I am serious when I say you need to hang in there. I know you are LEGALLY separated, but remember, you are still married. Think about what that means and live it, until it is no longer an option. Then, you do something about it. At that point, you won't need to wait for her to make a decision, you will file bc that is what you want, need, to do.

I have both of my girls tonight. My parents just returned to town with them. O get to keep them both for the weekend, until my folks leave. I am happy to be w them. I am depressed bc I keep wondering how much longer I will be able to get my SD, and when the last time I will see her will be.