Still no baby. Although I'm starting to get low back pressure off an on, so I think my body is prepping itself. I'm frantically trying to get everything tied off for work just in case I leave earlier than expected.
H did come home Friday. He flew Virgin Air. Friday and Saturday were hard days. Lots of crying. Some in front of him, some not. We talked some about our R. While he says he's still "done" with the relationship, his actions are getting better. I'll recap the past few days:
Friday. He didn't immediately tell me what airline he flew when he came home. I had to ask him. He didn't want to answer initially, and I just became enraged because he had lied to me (remember he gave me a fake flight number for AA). Thank goodness I had to leave to go sing for Good Friday service. But I was a mess. I barely made it through the service without crying. But when I came home, he immediately apologized for lying and fessed up to what airline he was on. So there's changed behavior #1.
Saturday. We went shopping for the baby, picking up the last few necessary items on her registry before she arrives. He paid for it (changed behavior #2). This is the first time he's paid for ANYTHING baby related (expect of course for insurance premiums, which he was paying prior to me getting pregnant anyhow). I go to my Saturday Easter service, and then I come home and we just stay in and talk for the rest of the night. He is open to talking to me about our R, but still says that he's just "done" and doesn't know if I should be reading anything on divorce (he doesn't know what I've read on it, just knows I've been doing a lot of research... I'm always very research based, so this is no surprise), and doesn't want me to "get my hopes up". I ask him some more CBT type of questions, of course he makes no since as his thoughts are faulty and illogical, I counteract them, and he continues to come up with more BS excuses. The only reason I do this technique is that I have evidence suggesting that while he does NOT understand the logic at that moment in time, when he has time to reflect upon what I've said, he finds the value in it (Best Friend has relayed this message to me a few times, and I've seen it in action myself...). So this is why I still continue to have the occasional R talk. Eventually we stop talking, but I'm upset, so I leave the bedroom and go to another room to cry by myself. 10 minutes later he comes in to say he's going out for a drive and will be back later. I continue to go about my business, and he comes back about 15 minutes later. He asks if he can read to the baby, and I agree. We go to bed.
Sunday. I go to church for BOTH Easter services and I cut out half way through the 2nd service because I can't hardly stand anymore. When I get home, H rubs the baby belly and hugs me (UNSOLICITED HUG. Changed behavior #3!) and asks how church was. Tells me we need to leave ASAP to get ho his parents' house. So I change, we drive, and we have a pretty good time. Admittedly the first hour or so was awkward, but once they decide to play Bacchi (I just walk around and watch. Picking up and throwing heavy balls across the yard is not very preggo friendly), everyone lightens up. H played a lot with his 6 year old niece whom he's not seen in 4 years. It makes me continue to hope everything will work out with us so I can seem him play with our daughter like that. We leave after being there for about 3 hours. On the way home, we talk a lot about how his dad specifically has softened and changed. I bring up that I think maybe his dad had depression. H agrees (this is now 2 men in his immediate family that most likely suffered/s from depression). That evening we go for a walk (this is when I start having the back pain. My first instinct was to walk). We talk a little more about our R. We walk for about 15 minutes, then he asks if he can walk alone for a while. It's about to storm (like, huge thunderstorm with hail), so I remind him of this, but he says he'll be fine and he has his phone on him. So I go inside and he continues to walk for almost half an hour. After about 15 minutes it's pouring. I text to see if he's alright, and he says he's fine under shade (excellent, if lightening strikes it'll find you quickly....). He comes back soaking wet and apologizes for staying out (changed behavior #4. Never had he apologized for leaving). I tell him thanks, but it's not like I'm the one that got wet and risked my life because I'd rather stand in a freaking hail thunderstorm than talk with my spouse about valid R topics. He admits this is a little ridiculous. We talk a little more about our R, and this time, while he is a little more involved in talking he's making a LOT of jokes. I'm not going to necessarily count this as a changed behavior. This is his other MO for coping. He either 1) shuts down and escapes/avoids or 2) he uses humor to deflect and derail. So while I'm not exactly thrilled that he's still avoiding the real topic, at least he's using the slightly more healthy coping mechanism. He asks again to read to the baby, so again, I agree. We go to bed.
Monday. I get home at about 5. I check the mail, do some dishes, and a few other housekeeping activities expecting that he will not come home until some ungodly hour per usual. He had said that morning he would be home around 6. To my surprise, he walks in the door at 6:10 (changed behavior #5... I'm fairly certain this is the first time since the bomb that he's been in the ballpark for his ETA). We had discussed doing something together that evening the prior day. I asked what he wanted to do: H: "watch the baseball game and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" Me: "I thought it bored you to just come home and watch TV" H: "well, usually, but I like watching those things" Me: "Ok" H: "what? You don't want to do that?' Me: "No, that's fine. I like those shows too" So we eat dinner and watch TV. I pass out on the couch, and eventually he gets ready to go to bed. He comes to get me and asks if I wanted to sleep on the couch or come to bed. I tell him I'll come to bed. I report how I feel more like a basketball than a human and he actually laughs at me (changed behavior #6. Has not laughed at me at all since the bomb. Humor was always very important in our R).
So today we'll see what happens. I'm supposed to go to yoga tonight, and originally he said he'd go to the gym then too, but then he found out the class is 1.5 hrs and was unsure he could work out for that long. Tomorrow he's going to the baseball game with Best Friend. I'm sure this is a way for BF to really get some info out of him because BF is NOT into sports. Originally we were supposed to go MC tomorrow. When I reminded H of this, that's when he told me BF had asked about the baseball game. But, when I said we still have an appt next Thursday too, H said, "well, maybe we can go to that one then...". So it's not a firm yes, but it's not a firm no either (which he has flat out denied MC before). So I'll count this as changed behavior #7.
So to recap the changed behaviors: 1. Apologized and fessed up for lying. Nice taking ownership for once. 2. He bought things for the baby. 3. He gave me a hug when I came home. 4. Apologized for leaving a situation when he should have dealt with it. 5. Came home when he said he would. I guess I could count him coming back from Cali on Friday as part of this too. 6. Laughed at a joke I made. 7. Did not flat out deny MC.
So again, we go back to the "believe nothing of what they say and only 50% of what they do" mantra. His words continue to say one thing, and his actions another. His thinking is still so illogical and disjointed (he literally said during one of the R talks "well, you know, I get so angry over little things, like making sure there are bread ties on the bread bag, so that must mean I don't love you".... WHAT?! How is that a reflection on how much you love me??). I'm hoping with continued IC and me having the occasional CBT oriented R talk that he will begin to understand how faulty his thinking is and that this has little to do with our relationship. Thus far I've been able to counteract all of his crap arguments with valid, logical, solution oriented suggestions, and then he just makes up another illogical argument. He's clearly not ready, but I think at least he's softened some. He is still going to require a lot of work.
