If you're going to help her Alamo, at least let her know that you are willing to pay what you feel is fair. I'm sure that she would rather have some help than no help at all.
I don't empathize with the financial disadvantage of a WAW. It is their choice to put themselves in that predicament.
That's what I'm inclined to do too.
Thank you everybody for your Mother's Day input. May 8 is coming up quick, but I'll gauge to see if I want to take the whole family out for a meal together.
BTW, Happy Earth Day! Free black coffee at Starbucks (no affiliation) if you bring a travel/coffee mug.
I wanted to re-post something one of my fellow porn recovery folks wrote to me, and see if it makes sense to you:
"Have you written a letter to her, acknowledging and apologizing for the the ways in which you have hurt her? Owning up and not making excuses for your behavior may let her see a more transparent and honest side to you. Let her know what you are doing to change your behavior. Don't ask for anything in return, especially sympathy. She has ever right to feel the way she does about you. Express to her that you hope that one day she can forgive you, and that you are working hard to be the man she once loved and respected.
Fight for her by fighting P and Mb. A fantasy is a dream and desire for something that is not going to happen. Don't fantasize about your wife. Use that time to write how you feel about her, and what you love about her - not sexually, but how you see her as a person, the mother of your child, why you want her back, what being with her means to you. Those thoughts could be expressed to her in words. Perhaps someday she will get to read those things: something tangible that took effort on your part."
Writing the letter makes perfect sense to me; some of you know how resentful, angry and hurt my wife still is. If nothing else, maybe it might help her with some closure. It's just timing when to give it to her which might be the problem.
I wrote a similar letter with the help of my DB coach and gave it to the my W the day she was beginning the paperwork for the D petition.
In the letter I was accountable for all of my mistakes and the things she complained about.
I didn't write about my changes. She had already noticed my changes. She still recognizes the changes that I am making as a father now that she is 1100 miles away. Actions, actions, actions.
There was more to the letter, but I don't know how specific I can get....since my DB coach helped me put it together.
At the end of the letter, I asked her not to respond. She responded later that day. She was surprised at the fact that I had been listening to all of her complaints. She told me that it's crazy when everything is on paper.
As for including your feelings for her, I don't know if that should be included. Your W doesn't have the same feelings for your right now. Have you told her how you feel in any of the many convos you've had with her? If she already knows, I'd leave well enough alone.
Hope this helps Alamo.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Definitely helps, LITB. Timing is the key here, or maybe it isn't.
UPDATE 5:55pm I am so mad with/at/of my wife right now. I've gotten up and packed, and moved some boxes to my new house, and yet after all that I'm just downright pissed with/at her. Why? I'll tell you...
I'm playing with our son at the playground across the street from our house. She pulls up our drive way as usual. I tell our son she's here. He tells me he wants show mommy his digging handiwork. I tell him that mommy is by the car waiting for him, but he really wants to show it off to her. Finally (less than 30-secs later) I managed to get him to drop what he was doing and walked him across the street.
My wife is huffy and puffy. She puts our son in his car seat then started telling me off.
W: I shouldn't need to walk over and get him. M: He wanted to show you what he did. W: Next time bring him over, I just don't want to walk over there every time. This goes on for another 20 seconds between the two of us. I just said okay, because she was discussing this in front of our son. But my wife decided to give it another round.
W: I don't need to be the one walking over to get him. M: He had something he was proud of and wanted to show you. W: Well, get him ready...you know when I come to pick him, right?...Be a dad.
I sidestepped her while saying "Okay" again, and said goodbye to our son and gave him a hug and kiss.
After she left, it then hit me how disrespectful she was to me. I can't believe why I can't pick up on things like this on the fly, during the conversation itself. I can't seem to stand up for myself for all its worth when I'm in the heat of things. The more I think about it, the more pissed off I become. I mean, would she have similar disrespectful demands of our daycare provider? Unbloody likely.
We'll see how things pan out tomorrow. If this happens again, I'm going to stand up and be firm. No more Mr. Nice Alamo.
Yea I'd be upset too if i were in that position. As CS said, tell her calmly but firmly that she needs to talk to you like an adult and not a teenager.
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
My wife texts me: "Kristi (her school friend) wanted to get the boys together this afternoon, how would u feel about me picking 'E' up from Tessie's today?"
I'm going to say ok, though I'm sad I won't be able to see our son today. I'm sure we'll make up that time somewhere.
When is the next time you are scheduled to see your S?
Maybe say, "I don't mind, hopefully you don't mind me having "E" on _______this day."
Now would be the time to throw that in there as you are giving her a positive answer IMO.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
When is the next time you are scheduled to see your S?
Maybe say, "I don't mind, hopefully you don't mind me having "E" on _______this day."
Now would be the time to throw that in there as you are giving her a positive answer IMO.
Her picking our son up from daycare is just a couple or so hours from my time with him today, so it's not a HUGE amount of time. There will probably a time soon when I will take our son out for a similar occasion.
This is the first time she's ever done it in the middle of the week, though, so I wonder if she'll make this a habit.
UPDATE 1:10pm This is my wife's text reply: "Thanks I know, but I figured u got to have him for several nights a couple weeks ago so maybe u wouldn't mind."
Here what I'd like to reply: "You sure do like to dwell on the past, don't you? Anyway, I got him for those nights due to YOUR schedule, not due to my own plans. Your suggestion to take him to Kristi's is YOUR plan. So for those nights I had him, hey -- you snooze, you lose."
However, due to the fact that I'm still pissed with my wife from yesterday and am not able to think logically. I will not respond (at least not the way I wrote it above). Unless you think it's wise for me to respond to draw a boundary, but I'm not sure if this qualifies as one.
