Young at Heart ...Definitely need to pick up those books.
...I agree that 25 is the new MLC age. I know mine sees being 50 as a terrible thing, so MLC at 25 makes a lot of sense!
...As for the passion, I know she has asked for this before! I always found it so hard based on all the precondition she would put it. We had passion, until the preconditions came. They sure killed the passion. Maybe she wanted me to be strong and break the conditions? I'm not sure.
...For now I need to work on self respect, and being strong.
....Although I do admit that I was always of the type that would rather just agree, than get into a fight with my W.
....I know she has dropped hints telling me that she wanted me to be more assertive with her, and I see them clearly now. The problem is I always took them for W double speak and thought that despite her saying she wanted me to call the shots, what she really wanted was just for me to agree with her. In hindsight I probably took the old saying "would you rather be married or right?" a little bit too far.
.....(other post)....GAL: I read, play a collectible card game at the tournament level, play video games, work out, and some basic home improvement. Yep that's it. No skydiving, no scuba, dance lessons, or martial arts. Nothing cool or interesting is available here. This is a small military town. Most get drunk and in trouble, or have kids so that they have something to do. (Not saying having kids is bad, but being young and childless is not fun here.) Trust me I have looked for GAL activities! In fact I am bored out of my mind right now. Heck lurking these boards counts as GAL in my book. We have a lot of chain restaurants, one movie theather, one hastings, and a crummy mall. To make things worse I got assigned here for six months, so no time to form deep friendships. I have one month and half left so doing things like signing up for guitar lessons seems pointless. If I could find guitar lessons. Now there is a big city 1.5 hours from here but with gas prices it seems almost hopeless to go unless a whole day trip is planned. If that is the case then I'd rather take my W with me.
First, I think you have a very good understanding of the issues in your marriage. That is incredible, it takes many people forever to get to the point you are at in awareness!
Now you need to take action! Now the tough love.
As a "recovering nice guy" to what your words seem imply you are a "nice guy" you really need to get Dr. Glover's book! The following is his website, so you can check it out and then order it on Amazon.com or some other book seller. Glover's No More Mr Nice Guy website
Get his book and read it ASAP!
One of the keys that Glover recommends is GAL!
As to GAL, suck it up guy.... and work at getting a real life, one that will WOW your wife and other women and show your wife that you are a different man. It also needs to WOW you! Drop the video games, enjoy your card games, but get a life that involve physical effort or skills that are maybe sexual sterotypes of an alpha male. Stop hobbies that "kill time." Make your limited time on earth count for something.
Don't expect life to be handed to you on a silver platter, make things happen & visualize what you want for yourself. Set goals, develop plans and implement them. You have options even if there are not "instructors in your small town." That is an excuse.
Pick a GAL that will transformer you, your opinion of yourself and one that will transform your wife's opinion of you. Do something that you may secretly have always wanted to do or though that you could never have done.
For example, you could easily go to a Goodwill store (or Craig's List) and get a used weight lifting set and weight bench and work on your body without instruction. A DVD or book should be enough to get you going. Have you ever wanted 6-pack abs or stronger shoulders? You can make it happen. Go to the Men's Health website and look at some of their exercise programs.
You could start running and sign up for an 8K, half marathon or even a full marathon. Some of the people at your post might even be talked into training with you. Each year in New Mexico they do the Battan Death March marathon with military boots and packs. Talk to your post commander and see if you can sign up for the next one next year as a sponsored group. Bataan Memorial Death March Marthon website
Set yourself a transforming physical goal and train for it.
Take up hunting or competitive shooting. Or perhaps trail running. If there are tons of kids in your small town volunteer to help lead boy scout physical outings or camping trips.
How about getting an old car and working on it or an old junk boat as a home shop project? Ever thought about rock climbing? Some folks start rock climbing with something called bouldering, which is done just a few feet off the ground (above a crash pad) and allows you to work by yourself or with another on the basics.
You don't need to have an instructor, you can make things happen. Not having an instructor is an excuse.
Visualize what you want, then make it happen. Do this for yourself and it will not only help you, it will likely help your relationship (current or future).
My GAL that transformed me was serious exercise & weight loss (40+ pounds), half marathons, and mountain climbing. My wife saw that I was a different person interacting with a new group of people. Her girlfriends were telling her how good I looked and how luckey she was to have such an interesting & healthy husband.
I remember recently where I got to a restaurant early to get a table for us for dinner and when my wife got there she asked the waitress if I was there. The waitress (earned a big tip) by asking my wife if she was there to join the tall hansome older guy? (How could my wife say no?)
After completing long runs that I had never imagined possible, it changed my self-image. It gave me things that I wanted to do and time demands that my wife needed to bend her schedule to accommodate. It made me more interesting to her. It made her realized that there were other women who would be thrilled to have me as their husband and that I was worth fighting for.
Also tell your wife that you love her and that you would like the "two of you" to work on your relationship when she is ready. Make sure that you don't push her away, so the timing on this may be sometime in the future.
When you are at the stage get some good marital counseling. Since your wife has indicated a bisexual orientation and you have indicated she has strong sex "pre-conditions", I strongly suggest a board certified sex therapist. Sex therapists are trained marriage counselors who have "extra" training over and above a typical marriage counselor in matters dealing with sexual relations between two people, sex addiction, sexual orientation, sexual hang-ups, etc. Find one and talk to one who has training and can help you with the issues you are facing.
Keep telling yourself that you are a good man, and worthy of a healthy loving relationship with a woman who cares deeply about you. Words of affirmation along with visualization are powerful tools. Start doing things for you. Stop being a Nice Guy who gets his pleasure by pleasing women in your life. Please yourself in ways that build who you are.
Good luck to you. As a recovering Nice Guy, I wish you the best.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
