confused bolt

[Mach1]

Bolt.....Buddy....


Look, I know how hard this is, yet there are things you are doing to make it worse.

You gotta back off of the context of the talks. I'm not sure who is initiating the relationship talks, but it sure seems the talks always include them.

Your pretty little MLCer will always try to engage you in some sort of talk, yet all they seem to do is, bring it up to re-ensure their decision.

All you gotta do to not get sukced in is....politely state that you have already heard that, and you do not wish to participate in those talks.

Most of your pain right now ( as I see it ) is....

You seem to be spending an awful lot of time commiserating about the past , and what happened.

There doesn't seem to be too much about the future yet. Which is where your interests should lie with your girls.

Find SOMETHING to look forward to with them. Plan a day trip, start thinking of vacation ideas with them.

You have the power to change things in their world....

You need to start viewing things as a new beginning, instead of a bittered past for them...

Your MLCer is gonna keep your head spinning big time Bolt....No need for you both to spin.

You can't let your past, define your future , because it has yet to be written....





Oh, and you are gonna change your mind more than once regarding...

I don't want that hope anymore. I want the hope that there is a better future without my W. She's moved on. I have to as well.

...... just so you know

[Bolt]

sorry, just need to vent.
I wish I read your post mach before she texted me. She is unbelievably unreasonable. I can't even get to see my girls. She is alienating them from me and I can't do anything about it.

She is blaming me for EVERYTHING. I know it's par for the course but when it happens, you don't believe it.

I don't want to talk to her ever but I have to in order to see my kids! I can't reason with this person. I don't know what to do?!

I feel like I'm in a prison and can't get out...

[MHL]

Deep down, I don't want it to end but I have come to the realization that it is over.

Bolt,

Man, I hear the pain in your words. As a man we are very "action" oriented and when we have a situation laid in front of us we feel we have to "deal" with it.

For us men, the act of "doing nothing" does not seem like you are "dealing" with the situation at hand. We feel we must make a decision, take some action, say something, draw a line in the sand....whatever.

Right now the very best thing you can do is step away from the situation.......detach..........

I am not trying to convince you that your marriage is over or not or to have hope or not, what I am saying is that you need to allow "time" to do its work when the situation will allow "time" to be used.

Why do you feel you have to make a decision on your marriage right now? ......... Especially if "Deep down you do not want it to end."

You gotta take care of the "DEEP DOWN" feelings before you can decide "that it is over and you need to move on".

You are reacting to what your W is doing and saying......

This is why we say limit the contact.........

What kills me is we did talk this morning for an hour texting.

Hey Brother, this ain't limiting contact.

and

If it "kills you" then......

STOP IT!!!!!!!!!!

Think of your marriage and your W as being "On Hold"......

You do not have to "deal" with those things right now, let "Time" do its work here.

Focus on your kids........

I know the temptation is that you are focusing on the kids by focusing on the marriage. (that means in any way shape or form).

Be the "rock" for your daughters. Be the "MAN" they can look to and rely upon right now. Be the stable parent right now for them.

I know you have legal issues to resolve with regards to your children and those are definitely a priority.

I will re-iterate what PEI said.........

it does get better with time.

hang in there.

Cheers

[Bolt]

I hear ya MHL. How do I detach if I have to talk to her regarding the kids. We don't have anything legal in place and I'm at her mercy. She changes the rules of when and what time I can see them.

I don't know how to detach when she's playing this game with me. I want it all to simply stop.

I SO appreciate the words. I do want to do all the things you say. I just don't know how to do that AND deal with my kids. Once something is in place, I know I can deal with the other.

[♪CS♪]

I hear ya MHL. How do I detach if I have to talk to her regarding the kids. We don't have anything legal in place and I'm at her mercy. She changes the rules of when and what time I can see them.

I don't know how to detach when she's playing this game with me. I want it all to simply stop.

I SO appreciate the words. I do want to do all the things you say. I just don't know how to do that AND deal with my kids. Once something is in place, I know I can deal with the other.

Bolt, this was said way back, but you need to get a legal agreement in place regarding your kids. Don't leave yourself "at her mercy."

Get this taken care of ASAP.

2 pennies...

[Bolt]

we are in the process right now. The judge is talking to my kids today. Hopefully this goes quickly so I can move on.

[Mach1]

sorry, just need to vent.

First off.......don't...come here to vent. Nothing you say is gonna "shock" many of us ....

She is blaming me for EVERYTHING. I know it's par for the course but when it happens, you don't believe it.

Step back for a minute Bolt....re-read this thread...

I am hoping that soon...you too, will notice this pattern of behavior from her.

When she wants to get her way, she is nice to you...

Your guard comes down, you have these little relationship talks, you let your guard down....put another quarter in the merry-go-round.

THEN-----

She GETS what she wants, she goes back into push-away mode, where all of that anger is spewed at you.


It is a pattern of behavior, that obviously works for her.

Until YOU break that chain....

She filed that motion a couple weeks ago...

It took a whole lot of anger to pull that crap on you...

Afterward ? When she got the court to rule in her favor ?

She came around and was nice as hell to you....

You take protective measures legally to protect your rights with the girls ?

She goes back into full anger to justify her decision to "take" them from you.

It's obvious ( to me at least) that she knows you have a very real chance of taking them from her, and this anger, is needed to manipulate you into that person she is running from.

Your job should be....to NOT be that person..

Every time you punch the ticket for that ride, you are buying what she is selling...

It is up to YOU to provide a safe environment from this coaster ride for your girls....

You have a guardian...right ?

They are appointed solely for the girls...not her side, not your side.....

They are trained to listen to the needs of the children.

But you have to actually BE that person first.....and as long as you are spinning, you can't be stable.....

Please, stop thinking about what if, and when....

Do what is right...


You control when you step off of the ride......

I don't want to talk to her ever but I have to in order to see my kids! I can't reason with this person. I don't know what to do?!

I feel like I'm in a prison and can't get out...

I have a news flash for you bro.....

It doesn't end...

So why don't you find a safe spot and learn HOW do deal with it...


?????

[MHL]

Bolt,

You are absolutely correct about having to have contact with her concerning the kids when you do not have them.

I do understand your delima.

I agree with the advice you have been given about a legal separation agreement or at least a legal parenting plan. Each state is different, however in my state they actually pay for a mediator that is appointed to look out for the best interests of the kids.

You need to find out what your options are.......

but keep it confined to the kids......very hard to do.

For you it is all rolled up together.

Your W is acting insane.

How in the h@ll could she possibly be a good parent to your daughters???

I know these thoughts.

You have to somehow get those out of your head.....again very hard to do.......but do it YOU MUST!!!!

This is the THING you speak of that you NEED to do to move forward.

YOU will "feel" better after the issue of the kids is resolved.

BTW, I doubt you are going to get full custody nor will your estranged W.

The legal system is used to separated parents lying about the other parent.

Typically, it is not in the best interest of the children to be totally cut off from one parent or to have very limited contact.

Fear has a hold on you brother.......the fear is justified concerning your kids (hate to scare you) but right now you are not doing anything......

You are the proverbial deer looking at the headlights of the MACK TRUCK that is bearing down upon you and you are worried what you and Thumper are going to do next week.

There will be time to "deal" with your W later.

In fact, once you get things situated with your daughters and you have "secured" your custody/visitation with them.....that fear will fade away and you will be able to think more clearly.

Don't get the steps out of order.

I know that the contact with your W is difficult but there is no other way. You should keep the contact simple, polite, and straight forward and only concerning the kids.

What are you afraid she is going to say????

Put it down here..... I guarantee you that you will be given a number of different things you could say.

You could pick what to say like picking food off of a menu.

and it will be perfect.

You can do this but you have to MOVE.......What are you doing to secure your parental rights????



Focus on that.

In the meantime, try to get to see your kids as much as possible and document everything with regards to your efforts to do so.

I don't know how to detach when she's playing this game with me. I want it all to simply stop.

I just don't know how to do that AND deal with my kids. Once something is in place, I know I can deal with the other.

My advice to you would be to write down what you want to say to your W in order to see the kids. Post it here.

Think of things she may say....write them down.....post it here.

You want to detach and still see your kids but have to talk to her........this how you do it.

You will basically be reading from a script and right now that is what you need until you get it down, then it will come more naturally.

We can tell you how to say things so as to keep it polite and cordial with your W but hopefully firm and resolute without getting your emotions involved.

This is hard.

It will be the hardest thing you have ever done......

But you can do it.

[MHL]

Bolt,

After, reading Mach's post there are already legal proceedings underway.

please ignore the parts of my post that are ignorant to that fact.

I will have more later.

Hang in there.

Cheers

[cat04]

Bolt,

I am not going to repeat what the others said, other than that you should reread this thread...

SLOWLY

As far as backsliding, I'm not sure how I can do that.

Each and every one of your statements below…

Is a backslide…

It is you giving her all of the power over YOUR life…

How you proceed, how you feel, how you live, and even how you simply breath sometimes…

She is blaming me for EVERYTHING.

I know I'm going against what people are saying but I just don't see how there is any hope. And quite honestly, hope is what is killing me. Hope is what makes me not sleep and want my old new life back. Hope is a dream.

I don't want that hope anymore. I want the hope that there is a better future without my W.

What kills me is we did talk this morning for an hour texting. She said she did work on it and did want it to work but then suddenly had a complete change of heart and realized I would never change. That's a load of bs but I can't control her thinking. She thinks I controlled her life...now I can't even talk to her.

It does cause too much pain...

As far as the M, it is definitely over. I have no chance of reconciling bc she is completely done. This won't change and I know it.

I don't know what to do?!

You are spinning. Until you slow down, you won't know what to do or where to start.

I simply want to move on with my life.

If it were only this simple.

Rome wasn’t built in a day, Bolt.

And none of this is going to be resolved in a day either.

You think you will feel better once this kid thing is settled…

And you will, with regards to your children and your rights…

As far as your M, you won’t…

If you continue as you are now, you are going to end up revisiting a lot of these things down the road…

Within yourself, within a different relationship, with your W…

You are on your way to Bittersville if you continue with these thoughts and feelings…

You are visiting there right now…

Like it?

I hope you do if this is where you plan on staying...

So Bolt, while coming here to vent is extremely important, so is taking steps to get yourself out of this rut that you are digging…

Running away…

Isn’t gonna work…

That is what your W is doing…

Does it really seem to be working for her?

Time to start digging in the right direction Bolt…

Stop feeding off of the drama...