First of all, let me clarify that I was originally here in 2005 and by December of that year, I was a success story on this site. I have been back for a year and a half. In that 18 months, I have improved myself in so many ways and done all the stock taking any man can.
The problem is that the only thing I still truly want in life, is my wife and my family the way it was. I fear that I will always feel that way and that there will be a hole in me forever.
I am ashamed to admit that I called STBX today and even stopped by her work to see her. I broke every DB principle of not persuing. But in the past, I have also followed them perfectly and I am still sitting alone on our bed typing this. I can only do so much more harm.
I will see her again in about half an hour when I drop S17 off to work with her. Just seeing her makes my butterflies to crazy.
Today, I feel just as weak and sacred as I did when this all started again. I look back in my journal and realize things were so much better off one year ago. I had just come back from a great vacation with STBX and the future looked bright. In fact, exactly one year ago today she showed up at my house late one night, took all her clothes off and climbed into bed with me. There was no sex then, but cuddling and fondling and most importantly, she wanted that from me then.
And now...today......one year later....I am dying inside.
