Is there an om? How do you progress

[facingdivorce]

Hi paper, i have been working on my boundaries and how far I can take this.

I think i could forgive her, but it depends how long it goes on for. At some point all the lies and manipulation would just get too deep for me. I dont have a time for that, I think it is something I would feel and know.

Being manipulated to look after the kids, so she can have the affair ! Thats a boundary for me. I wont enable the affair in any way, I want them to have a dose of day to day realities, to cool the infatuation.

Her problems are her problems, not mine , thats a clear boundary for me.
so stop trying to get me to do things that resolves or sorts them out, its time you learnt to do them or figure out how to solve them, thats what being single is all about. No more cake eating thanks.

I have definately been in waiting mode and that has been a very difficult experience and lesson for me, as you watch the person you love, flush away everything you have built together.

It just feels so overwhelming, my head spins and i worry that i will make wrong decisions that will have far reaching consequences for all of us.

Thanks for listening!

[Still learning]

Facing, sorry you are here. You'll get some good advice on the board, and support.

Expanding on Paper's advice....

You seem to be pretty clear on your goal, and how to work towards it. Just make sure that whatever you do - and what seems to be just as important, HOW you did it - moves you closer to your goal.

[greenblue90]

Facing
Ok time for another adjustment, this necklace how do you know she didn't get it from someone else like a relative. You also said that she has gotten wreckless in spending, and she makes her own money. There are a lot of plausible explanations but guess what? The only way to truly know is by asking her. Do you think she will find it attractive if you interrogate her about this? Trust me no matter how nice you try to come across she will read your suspicions and see right through you. I know from personal experience. Besides 9 out of 10 this will not get you the answers you need. Even if an EA or a PA is an absolute non-negotiable. This most likely will not get you the proof you need. You will only stress and keep pushing her away. Its not worth it. In fact even if you decide you want a D it is still not worth all the stress you are putting yourself through.

[facingdivorce]

Hi still learning, it is funny how people say i am clear on my goals, yet looking through my eyes, i am all over the place and drowning. Thats the great thing about db forum ( though i wish there was no need for it ), you do get the value of others perspectives, that enables you to see your self differently.

I was reading about how i need to be lovingly detached, i so wish i was there with that, i feel so raw and have good and bad days... the crazy rollercoaster.

I so agree about how you go about doing things is important, because the finances are typically just business decisions, yet in these circumstances they have potentially massive emotional implications. One thing i keep thinking to myself is having to explain myself to my daughters when they are older. Did you treat mom kindly, did you do the right thing, did you try everything you could think of? So i continue to honor and respect her, regardless of what she says to me or does, but it takes everything out of me.

The problem i face now, is that as we are seperated, our communication is basically sms( i hate it, its so easy to misconstrue meaning because its so short ) and very business like emails. How do i build a bridge back to her, it seems that the distance between us is so enormous and she seems very happy with that ( im trying not to read her mind , coz im pretty well wrong ). Her total focus is laser like on the om, the children a distant second. I assume if she does not think about me, she doesnt feel guilty.

As we are only 8 weeks into this ( it feels like eight years mind you ), is it too early to start trying to build a bridge to her, or do i keep the distance and just respond to her emails?

Thankyou for all the support, i wish we were not here, but i am very appreciative.

[facingdivorce]

Greenblue

With regard to the necklace, the relatives couldnt afford this one...

I have resigned myself about a month ago that whatever comes out of her mouth is a lie, which is a hard thing, seeing she was always a very ethical and honest person. So i dont ask questions anymore of her, coz there just is no point.I am also trying to adhere to the 180 plan. I work hard not to interrogate, hence why she was watching to see what my facial reaction was.

I dont want a divorce, and will try my utmost to repair my family. I know i have to detach from this, but im finding it easier said than done.....

[facingdivorce]

Help
Just got a long angry email from my W, covering a hole bunch of topics from custody to divorce process. She is furious that i said she should prioritise her care of the children not go out with om.interesting she keeps telling me to focus on the children, but im not allowed to say the same.

Sigh

The one side of this, is she obviously has some reactions to me and this is the longest email i have had from her. The flip side is She is way angry and continues to deny affair and says marriage is over. But to date she never mentions the divorce word.

Those of you who know, can i turn this breakthrough email, into a discussion. At least if we re discussing there is something. I dont know how to respond though to email. I have done a draft that is bullet point and addresses the facts, but thats it , the type of unemotional response.

I dont want to get into a tit for tat email , you said she said. Theres no winners in that. Do i not respond ( or is that squandering an opportunity )

Or do i do a more i understand you, support you ( which would be a big change in tone ).

If anyone has advice please let me know as i am not responding straight away

Thanks

[Busting Mode]

Facing,

If she is having an affair, I STRONGLY recommend you consider filing for divorce yourself as soon as possible.


[edited by dbmod to add note: Busting: This is NOT what we do here. We help folks try to save their marriages. Infidelity, while it can feel devastating does NOT have to equal the end of the marriage.]


What I have learned is that what makes things workable is integrity. Once integrity is gone things become unworkable. Restoring integrity with yourself gives you workability.

I know my wife is in mid-life crisis and wants to "experiment" for awhile having fun (sex) and being with other men. In her world, I don't think she could respect herself doing it within the confines of our marriage, so she opted out.

I don't think she would have respected herself or me if she secretly slept with other men, so she brought it out into the open and that is something I do not like but at least I have accepted it which allows us to remain friends and keeps the possibility of reconciliation open in the future.

You might be surprised how quickly your wife turns if you initiate the proceedings on your own, or you may even surprise yourself with the amount of power, freedom, dignity and self-respect you gain.

I feel for you, my friend. The pain of my (now ex) wife having sex with another man is intense beyond belief. I do my best to put it into a context that I can work with and makes me feel better about myself.




[edited by dbmod to add NOTE to Facing and others: This advice goes against db principes and may cause the end of your marriage.]

[facingdivorce]

Busting Mode

thanks for your comments, I think integrity is absolutely key to my own self esteem and respect from wife. I think though that filing for divorce, is a game of brinkmanship that you had better follow through with if you threaten it otherwise you lose all your bargaining chips. I have engaged a lawyer and getting myself sorted, but Im going to let wife do that if she wants. Dont forget I want to stay married here. I may well end up doing it, but I am about 7 - 8 weeks into this nightmare, so i believe it is early days, according to what I see others are doing.

[Paper]

What I have learned is that what makes things workable is integrity. Once integrity is gone things become unworkable. Restoring integrity with yourself gives you workability.

Nice quote. I have to remember this. Agreed if there was clear lying, infidelity, etc, then the integrity would be gone, game over.