Do you ever watch that show called Criminal Minds? There is one FBI characters that flirts with the girl that runs their computer data. The FBI Special Agent is a very attracted man, and the computer lady isn't very attractive.
Anyway, all the other male agents are always very serious, except this one man. He does a lot of phone conversations with the computer girl, and whenever he begins his call or ends it, he usually uses some sexy little name for her. He doesn't go over-board with it. He'll say things like, "Talk to me gorgeous", when she calls him. The important thing here is that he is so casual and smooth that that it's really cute to have it in the script. He's not dating her and he is not doing it with any expectations at all. He is very confident in himself and he never makes a move on her. He just has this little teasing thing between him and the computer girl.
I think flirting should always be done with a light-hearted attitude. If it's not, then it causes flirting to become creepy (if you're not M to her) or clingy (if you are).
I'll have to finish later. Got to go to work.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
What I've learned at mid-life about flirting with my W....add your thoughts...with some help, maybe we'll get to a top ten list:
1) You have to be in a good place with yourself for it to really work. It has to arise from your own confidence and has to be you having fun with it. Here's where I was stuck.
2) Trying too hard ruins it. Sandi2 is right, if it isn't light-hearted and fun it's probably going to come off as creepy or clingy. For me, a lot fo the eastern philosphies (Taoism) get it right on this.
3) Once a women decides you're ok and she wants to spend some time with you, almost any attempt at flirting will be successful, almost any joke is funny. Alternatively, if she's not into you at the moment nothing you do will work.
4) I always thought that being M-ed meant really, really no flirting with anyone else. And I got quite good at recognizing and shutting down any innocent flirting right away (being a teacher makes this an important career skill). But I think I sometimes miss opportunities for my W to see that other women think I have some "value". So now I have a more balanced approach to this - I don't get involved in anything serious or anything that could become serious, but I don't worry as much about being friendly and joking around. (My W certainly doesn't!) My W has said she has never once in our 18 years together been jealous - and while that's great for her, I'm not sure it's ideal for our marriage.
5) Smile, don't let her attitude get you down.
6) There are loads of books and tips out there for "how to flirt" - heck, thanks to ebooks I've got a harddrive of em - but you'll notice that some people do these naturally, without thinking and it works. We could do the very same thing but if it is artificial or we try too hard it seems fake, creepy, or clingy. So, for me it's #1 get myself to a good place and #2 think about flirting with my W. By the time I get #1 down I usually don't have to worry as much about #2. (And, by the way, my W is NOT easy for me to flirt with; she's unusual in many ways and has a VERY low tolerance for fake, creepy, or clingy.)
PS - it would be great if your W would take up diving or something, but maybe start smaller....my W resists these sorts of things....but she'll go for an evening bike ride or hike. I think because it seems more natural. And if I plan to go with the kids, she'll sometimes say "well, can I come?" Then, added bonus, I have made the plans and know the route and W - who usually needs to be in total control - has to follow along for a little while.
After two great fun weeks and saying I was her friend again and that the more power she had the more she felt like she could stay, and after agreeing that since she was leaving for a week and a half we should have this morning's MC session be calm so we could discuss a serious separation when she got back, she opened the MC session with "actually, I've decided I'm not coming back." And she left.
Hmm, yep, a few hours have passed and she's still gone, though I can see by the trail of gas station purchases in our joint account that she's moving, and she sent a friend an email that she was OK, so there's that. Going to a friend's house tonight to cry, but before then may head to the bank to set up a new account for my paycheck to dump into and consolidate some stuff for my own safety.
That happened... fast. I'm bereft, feeling like I can never be happy again. But I know I will. Eventually. MAYBE even with her, although from this morning's discussion... I sorta doubt it.
Not sure how to proceed. Should I just go dark? That seemed to be the right thing for the next two weeks or so, but eventually we have to talk practicalities.
Totally empty and angry today. All I can think of is how she railed against marriage being economically beneficial and that "money doesn't matter; I'm not happy" and now looks to take half, including half my future pension. I've separated accounts and am teasing apart bills and debts; no contact from W, though I can track her progress through the gas bills on our joint account.
I feel very, very betrayed, particularly since I know this was caused by her realizing that things were going well and having a backlash in combination with an opportune trip. I feel certain she is going to find an OM to sleep with based on things she has said.
So close, so close. Things were really going well.
Well, for the moment we're both dark and I'm waiting for her to make first contact (her terms on leaving). We'll just see.
But support from all my friends, family, and coworkers has been fantastic. And while not all my GAL efforts have been superb, I will say that picking up social dancing (silly old-fashioned stuff, swing and foxtrot and the like) has been a real lift. I just got back from three hours of dancing at the local town hall (all strung up with Christmas lights, very old fashioned) and it was a ton of fun.
I barely did anything besides the few basic steps I learned that day, but everyone was great fun, and since the ratio of women to men was so great, I was constantly being asked to dance--not in any sort of "attraction" thing, because I'm certainly not looking for that (and besides the age range was all over the map), but it was just nice to feel appreciated. I haven't laughed or smiled that much in... well, months and months, to be honest. For the first time since she left, I was able to walk in the door of my house and not feel a tightness in my chest.
And I'm still hopeful. Because that's what I know how to be, and because I love her. But I also know I'll survive if this continues to deteriorate, and I deserve--well, we BOTH deserve better than we have been treating each other. I'd just like to learn how rather than throw it all away.
