confused bolt

[Bolt]

well, guys...it gets even worse. Turns out, the guy that W has over the house is a felon...I'm going for full custody first thing today.

Please PLEASE pray for my babies...

She has resorted to blaming me now for everything. It is taking every ounce of fortitude to not give in. I simply let her say what she has to say, even if they are all lies.

[Albuquerque]

Bolt,

Sorry to hear about the new revelation. Just more proof that the MLCers are totally out of their mind. Kudos to you for doing what's right by your kids.

[Bolt]

Well, the prayers were definitely answered bc I got the girls for the long easter weekend. Me and W met and chatted for a good hour. She was very calm and even apologized for quite a bit of stuff. We came to a bunch of agreements regarding the kids. She knows that she's made some bad decisions and met some bad people. She is distancing herself from them as well - including her mom.

She did say that she loves me as a father and a friend but that we just shouldn't be married. I'm ok with that. I don't want that but it's her desire and as a 180, I'm letting her have this wish. She may come back to me but chances are she won't and I'm ok with it.

Now it's time for me to continue to heal but the difference is now, I have more of a plan for my kids.

I'm not letting my guard down with this MLCer but am enjoying this moment.

I still have to get all of the paperwork regarding her felon friend just in case. I'm not letting anything go by on this one.

[Bolt]

Just had to post bc my mind is swimming and am having a hard time breathing.

I have a hearing today and can't stop thinking about how I was played for all of this. I can't stop thinking about how I was lied to for months. How I was played a fool. How she acted as if things were going to work. Playing that she wanted to touch me. Wanted to try and make things work. Wanted to be a family.

It hurts so much not to scream out in pain. I want to tell my kids how awful their mother is for doing this to us. I want to explain that it was SHE the destroyed us. HER that doesn't care about the family. HER selfishness that moved us all the way across the country.

But I can't. I'm not like that. I'm too good to stoop to her level. I will never be a part of the dregs of society that she is now associated with.

Please tell me, how to cope with this? I feel betrayed. I feel used. I feel worthless. I do never want to be a part of this person's life ever again. I do know that for certain. Now it's just dealing with the pain.

How have you all dealt with it?

[Grace_O]

((((Bolt))))

I was fortunate (?) that when all of this happened, I was shut down a business and needed to find a job. I was in school and my D's were 14 and 11. Needless to say I was busy. Staying busy helped.

I also took long walks/hikes when I could, cried in the shower when I couldn't. I took up meditation and it was incredibly hard at the time. Quiet my mind??? In what universe!?

I came here. I never have posted alot on my own threads, but reading all the others helped me alot.

I also took to doing anything that I really had to focus to do. Math calculations, braintwister puzzles that type of thing. Keep in mind, I'm not saying I did these things well or that I didn't get frustrated and say f... it. I did. I also kept at it until I could breathe.

Eventually it got easier, then things would happen to knock me off my feet again. Everytime I picked myself up and started moving again, it gave me the strength and confidence to know I can do it alone. I know that nobody wants to. Just saying it can be done.

When you get to a place where you're at peace with yourself, you can decide what path to take from there.

Take care.

[MHL]

Just had to post bc my mind is swimming and am having a hard time breathing.

First, breathe.....

Then try to get your mind on something else, Grace has some good suggestions.

When this happened/happens to me, I remind myself that the feeling will fade away and calmer more peaceful thoughts will return to me....in TIME.

Try not to make decisions nor interact with her if possible when you are feeling this way, this is when backslides occur.

I have a hearing today and can't stop thinking about how I was played for all of this. I can't stop thinking about how I was lied to for months. How I was played a fool. How she acted as if things were going to work. Playing that she wanted to touch me. Wanted to try and make things work. Wanted to be a family.

Don't mind read here......

You don't know what the h@ll she was thinking at the time....

In reality she was probably actually trying to make it work...

The MLCer rarely has a plan......they do not have a diabolical plan to hurt us or deceive us they are flying by the seat of their pants. Making decisions on the "fly", and their brains are scrambled.

Remember.....

MLC = confusion

It hurts so much not to scream out in pain.

Why not scream out in pain???? Go ahead

I did......and often.

I can remember going into my bedroom, locking the door then into my closet and shutting that door so my kids could not hear me....

I balled up in the fetal position and let loose.

Let the feeling wash over you....don't fight it.

You will feel better after.

What you will come to realize is that they will get shorter and fewer and with time they eventually go away.

Please tell me, how to cope with this? I feel betrayed. I feel used. I feel worthless.

While these are all valid feelings that you are experiencing they usually stem from focusing on our spouses too much.

This is why we preach to focus on you.

You cope with these feelings by working on you for YOU!!!

The feeling of being betrayed and used will fade with TIME and detachment.

If you feel worthless then that is something you can work on. Look at why you feel that way......

What is the cause???

What can you do about it????

Make a plan, take some action, MOVE!!!

Like fisherman says...."don't stand still"

When you start to make and acheive goals then you will find the things in YOUR life again that make YOU happy.

Hint: These goals have nothing to do with your wife or marriage.

I do never want to be a part of this person's life ever again. I do know that for certain.

I would avoid making any judgements right now. You will find that your feelings will change day to day, sometimes hour to hour.

Coming here is a great way to cope also.

Cheers

[Bolt]

MHL I hear you and Grace.
I try to do that and just focus on myself but I keep coming back to the kids. I just want all of this done so I CAN get on with my life. I feel I can't until something is decided on the kids.

As far as the M, it is definitely over. I have no chance of reconciling bc she is completely done. This won't change and I know it. I will have to say that the longer this life goes on, the less I want it to work. I want to move on as well.

As far as backsliding, I'm not sure how I can do that. There's very little contact and when there is, it's relatively calm and friendly. I don't want anymore contact and once the girls are decided, I won't have any contact.

I simply want to move on with my life.

[Grace_O]

Bolt,

I just want all of this done so I CAN get on with my life. I feel I can't until something is decided on the kids.

I know. I also know it may take more time than you would like for something to be decided.

How are the girls holding up?

I don't want anymore contact and once the girls are decided, I won't have any contact.

You know this isn't true right? Because of the girls there will probably always be some kind of contact. You have an enormous amount of power in deciding how it will go.

HUGS

[Bolt]

The girls are doing horribly. My oldest actually ran away yesterday from my W's house. She just needed time to herself but she constantly calls me in hysterics. She just wants out of the house to live with me. She doesn't care where I live; she just wants to live with me. My younger one is pretty laid back but when you talk to her, she's hurting as well. They both just want to make it stop.


I do know I will have contact but every time I do, I hurt too much. It's part of my healing, I guess. I want to give my time to heal from this. Deep down, I don't want it to end but I have come to the realization that it is over.

I know I'm going against what people are saying but I just don't see how there is any hope. And quite honestly, hope is what is killing me. Hope is what makes me not sleep and want my old new life back. Hope is a dream.

I don't want that hope anymore. I want the hope that there is a better future without my W. She's moved on. I have to as well.

What kills me is we did talk this morning for an hour texting. She said she did work on it and did want it to work but then suddenly had a complete change of heart and realized I would never change. That's a load of bs but I can't control her thinking. She thinks I controlled her life...now I can't even talk to her.

It does cause too much pain...

[PEI]

Just had to post bc my mind is swimming and am having a hard time breathing.

I have a hearing today and can't stop thinking about how I was played for all of this. I can't stop thinking about how I was lied to for months. How I was played a fool. How she acted as if things were going to work. Playing that she wanted to touch me. Wanted to try and make things work. Wanted to be a family.

It hurts so much not to scream out in pain. I want to tell my kids how awful their mother is for doing this to us. I want to explain that it was SHE the destroyed us. HER that doesn't care about the family. HER selfishness that moved us all the way across the country.

But I can't. I'm not like that. I'm too good to stoop to her level. I will never be a part of the dregs of society that she is now associated with.

Please tell me, how to cope with this? I feel betrayed. I feel used. I feel worthless. I do never want to be a part of this person's life ever again. I do know that for certain. Now it's just dealing with the pain.

How have you all dealt with it?

I can't make it stop hurting for you Bolt, but I can tell you I felt exactly the same way. If you want to busy yourself, read my threads. My stbxH continued a sexual relationship with me, said things like "I don't know how this is going to end up", etc ...

As cliche as it sounds, it does get better. YOU really do have the power to detach yourself and live your life. It takes work, and changing the focus from her to YOU.

Peace
PEI