Just a post to mark this moment of being absolutely clear and honest with myself...
She is gone baby gone. I am on my own.
Now the castaway analogy is stronger than ever for me, but I've got my porta-potty sail and am preparing to launch myself out onto the vast unknown ocean of time and space between us.
Will I ever see or be with her again? Will it be too late when and if I do?
I'm almost feeling like it doesn't even matter. I am committed to this course of action of building my own life raft and taking all the steps in order to save myself. To get myself off this lonely computer island and return to living well amongst my friends and family.
"I am so sad that she is gone. But I am so grateful that she was with me."
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
Well, we've been officially divorced just two weeks now, but it's been almost 4 months since I have actually seen her, and almost 9 months since we got married...
We did have a good talk last week about the areas where I broke my promises - I took it upon myself to clean that up with her and it led to some clear and honest communication that did both of us some good...
Her mom also accepted my recent offer of helping her out to go and visit for awhile as all of them were feeling stressed and wanting to be together...
And I have now asked my ex for permission to reach out to her 14 year old daughter, to see if D14 is open to me making amends for the promises I broke to her, as well.
I am doing what I can to be in a clear and open space where anything is possible, and where I am unattached to the outcome...
Thankfully, I am finally learning that thoughts and feelings cannot be relied upon to keep me on my course and being true.
Thoughts come at me constantly like radio signals, and feelings are more like a thermometer telling me the temperature of where I'm at and what's going on inside of me. They are not actually what is going on outside of me. They are not what is actually occurring or happening on the path. They are just my reactions and interpretations of what is happening on the path.
It's really not that complicated. What keeps me on course is the value of my word.
Things happen. I give them meaning. I take action or don't take action based on how I see the circumstances as occurring to me. I use language - words - to describe how things are occurring, which gives me the power to co-create my fate with God.
I have stated that I am now using our divorce as a catalyst for excellence. As the launching pad for an extraordinary quality of life. And as an opportunity to restore my integrity. For myself, with myself, by myself, and also with other people.
I do not like the thoughts and feelings of my ex-wife never being with me again in the flesh. I do not like that she has said we will never again be lovers and that she wants to start dating other people "to see how it feels."
I do not like that I am still struggling and unhappy with my results in so many different areas of my life...
And yet I know that in the whole and complete acceptance of being exactly where I am at, embracing and even choosing to be exactly where I am at...
Being absolutely clear and free and unattached to any predetermined outcome or objective, just happily being me right here in this moment...
Anything is possible.
It is my words that makes things possible. It is my integrity that makes things workable. I've discovered the only thing that makes things unworkable, is breaking our promises and agreements with ourselves and other people.
Sesame street today has been brought to you by the words "balance" and "stability", and by the number "1".
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
Starting this post with 2 quick quotes from Thoreau.
1. Most men lead lives of quiet desperation.
2. For every thousand men hacking at the branches of evil, there is one man striking at the root.
And here's another quote for good measure, though I don't know who it comes from:
"I have seen the enemy and it is us."
For the past 6 months I had been desperately, dangerously, deliriously obsessing over my long lost walk away wife. I had been checking my emails, text messages, phone messages sometimes 50 times a day, sometimes every 5 minutes, I had been constantly watching what she does on facebook, I had tried every play and move and tip and trick and technique and strategy I could think of in order to win her back, hell even just to hear her talk or type to me...
And I have been coming to this forum for several months, and for the most part, getting a lot of awesome feedback and support.
There is no question in my mind or heart that I am now light years ahead in my personal development, happiness, self-esteem and confidence than I was when she first dropped the bomb that blew up my illusions.
6 months ago, I couldn't even hear that she was practically begging me to come back and be with her and listen to her and help her find our way together.
I couldn't hear her because I was so wrapped up in all of my own stuff. Couldn't even see how good I really had it until all of it was gone.
And yet I realize that both of us had brought so much fear and doubt and uncertainty into the relationship, and each of us had contributed to making things so unworkable for ourselves that eventually she was forced to end it. And in many ways, I am really glad she did. Now we are each, in our own way, restoring our integrity. And as I said the other day, integrity gives access to workability.
I gotta be on the road here in a minute so I'm gonna have to pick this up a little later, but I just wanted to begin by saying relax. Everything will be fine.
It's all going to be okay.
You're going to make it through all of this and be a much happier, healthier, whole-ier more awesome radiant delicious human being than ever.
Just work on your integrity. Practice keeping your word to yourself and other people. See what happens when you do.
With Love,
Mike
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
