I look at this way. All the different tools you use are for your benefit and not your W's.
Ask youself some questions
Does constant contact with your W help you or hurt you?
Do you accomplish anything?
Does it help your sitch?
Why do you want to have contact with your W?
Now just like 9 you have kids together so you going dark will never really be fully accomplished and it shouldn't.
I am considering going dark on my XW but not as a means of getting her attention but because at this point after the D it has become painful to talk to her. I am doing it for me and my healing process
KM, it is hard to go dark when you have kids. What i do is call up and ask for my daughter. I talk to her and then disconnect. But there are times when W wants to talk and tell me some D related info. I decide to talk to her on those things on a case by case basis.
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
Thanks guys. That was very helpful. Truly appreciate it.
I think with the inheritance (which is simply old coins, but could amount to a treasure) the idea was to give my kids and my sister's kids something "extra". Anyhow, it was just a thought my W had because her cousin just checked his collection (from his deceased father). I should respond, just... later... and tell her... maybe later this year... when the kids can all get together to split it up.
On the financial info, it would be too late now, anyhow. W will probably have acted on what she was planning to do. No need to respond to that.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On a side note, skipped work today. Brought in staff and GAL'd with a friend. It was fun being silly at the dollar store. She needed to get a bunch of wedding stuff.... :-)
D8 is here yesterday, we decide to veg with movies and supper / snacks over the evening. So one of our choices is Tron. She actually picked it. As much as she probably wanted a "boy" movie for me, she said she really wanted to watch it and was right into it.
This is a bit of a spoiler for those who haven't seen it, but... At the end, D8 says "I think it could have been a better ending". I say "that's the RIGHT ending." She says why... and I start to tear up. I say "because that's what Dad's do. He did the ultimate sacrifice." And she say, "Because he died to save his son?" I say yes. And she comes over and hugs me and says "You would do that for me?" And the waterworks are full flowing with me and I say "Absolutely." Then we laugh... she tells me to grab the napkin and wipe the tears and we had a giggle fest after that about me crying at the end of a boy movie... lol
Well... here's some news that I'd usually, and even right now really want to, but won't share with my W.
My landlord gave me reprise today! Yippee!!! No moving, get to "keep my job" (which means decent money continues to come my way) and all other good stuff that comes along with it!
Had to share with someone... thanks for being here... :-)
Thanks guys. Yes, it is great news and yes, I don't have to move further from kids. Right now, they're only five minutes away.
~~~~~~~~~~~ A little journaling ~~~~~~~~~~~
W sent me an email this morning saying she had some finance stuff for me at the house. I didn't respond. It was a statement of fact, not a question about whether I'd go get it.
Anyhow, she texts me late afternoon, asking where D8's overnight bag is. I didn't get a chance to respond right away. Texted her back half hour later that I still had it and could drop it off later. No response from W. I then texted her at about 8pm and asked whether the stuff was needed today. Still no response.
In the mean time, D13 calls me from her cell. W is cleaning the yard and wants to know if I am wanting some rims from my old beemer or whether her dad can take them to the dump. I say I want them, but I'm thinking WTF... you still get D13 to be the messenger? After going to the course which stresses the kids SHOULD NOT be used for that purpose?!!!
Then, I realize that the bike lock I bought for D8 is still here. So at about 9pm I call the house. W picks up and says "I was just about to call you, I just read your text"... I say "mmhhmmm"
I say D8's bike lock is here if she's taking her bike to school. W says she was planning to. So I said I'd drop it off. She asks if I got her emails today and I say what emails (ie. plural) and then she says something about no sure if she even sent me any emails today... ????? WTF?
Cleaned myself up, fresh shirt, some cologne, party shoes... Waited about half an hour, then went over there.
Dropped stuff off, including some of Ws stuff that ended up here for some reason, packed in my boxes of stuff... She was happy to see some of it. One of the items was a video memorial for her grandmother. She picks it up, points to it and says, "My Nanna was over at your place?!" (like... awwww...) I say, "yeah". But she's smiling, joking with me. Not like there was any real outward emotion there.
D13 was in one of her "impress my friend" moods it seems, or maybe "impress mom" mood. A friend of D13's was at the house. She comes to the door, looks at me and say "why are you so skinny?" I just looked at her with a grimace / smirk on my face and said, "I guess if you'd call me skinny..." D13 then says to W, "(friend's name) is going to have to walk home. You're going to make her walk?" W says, "Yeah..." I don't offer... D13 doesn't ask me. No big deal, but my "normal" would have been to offer.
I then quickly mentioned to W about getting my passport. I mentioned that I'd asked about it before, to which she said I didn't and then said she couldn't remember me asking about it. She told me where it was and asked if she should get it right then and I said no, that's ok. She said she'd get it to me in the next couple days.
She then asks me again about the coins... I just shrug and say I'll get to it later. Then I look at my watch and tell W I have to go. I say goodbye to Ds and to W and leave.
Just a couple vents. It was a "good" dialogue, but from the day there's some "stuff".
She asked me if I got a bin of sweaters? I ask what? She then says there's a bin of sweaters or shirts of mine in the basement.
And that along with passport and my rims... like not really any huge deal. But I think, how can she still be such a cold hearted beach? I say that only because there continues to be no outward emotion out of still purging my stuff from the house. One would think that, even though W does not want to be my W, she'd have some sort of... negative emotion from this... but maybe I'm just hoping, I guess. All more "good stuff" for her, I guess further...
And not remembering if she sent me emails today? c'mon!? Really...?
She said she can't remember me asking about the passport. I wonder if she'd tell me she didn't remember I asked her to cut my hair... or any other things that I've asked her... oh well... just "more of the same" from W...
I hope she remembers the passport this time and hope she wonders why I need the passport. and I actually am planning on needing it in a couple months. Plan on a state side visit in the next few months, for a week.
Just a couple vents. It was a "good" dialogue, but from the day there's some "stuff".
She asked me if I got a bin of sweaters? I ask what? She then says there's a bin of sweaters or shirts of mine in the basement.
And that along with passport and my rims... like not really any huge deal. But I think, how can she still be such a cold hearted beach? I say that only because there continues to be no outward emotion out of still purging my stuff from the house. One would think that, even though W does not want to be my W, she'd have some sort of... negative emotion from this... but maybe I'm just hoping, I guess. All more "good stuff" for her, I guess further...
And not remembering if she sent me emails today? c'mon!? Really...?
She said she can't remember me asking about the passport. I wonder if she'd tell me she didn't remember I asked her to cut my hair... or any other things that I've asked her... oh well... just "more of the same" from W...
I hope she remembers the passport this time and hope she wonders why I need the passport. and I actually am planning on needing it in a couple months. Plan on a state side visit in the next few months, for a week.
*sigh*
Kaffe,
When are you going to stop trying to legislate how your wife is supposed to FEEL through all of this?
When are you going to stop analyzing her EVERY MOVE, and every (supposed) emotion, most of which are mindreading anyway?
Just reading your last couple of posts, I start out thinking "Perfect!" about your "looking good/smelling good/party shoes" thing when you go over there, but then I read about you obsessing over everything she does, doesn't do, thinks/feels, doesn't think/feel, etc.
