"I bring this up because if her feelings for me and the way she treats me started to become unending or if she was unwilling to work things out with me, I would then take that as a possible sign of an affair."
Deserve to Know, In my case the above is true but H is saying it is because he is not willing to "risk" giving us another chance. He says he is angry at himself for giving us that last chance he gave us. I don't think an affair is what caused him to start feeling badly for our marriage but I think an affair could have started as a result of his resentful feelings of me.
Also, In my case there was no EA or PA on my part, it was simply years of not being able to get along, i.e. compatability issues. Also we began to just live separate lives, stopped being intimate,etc. I knew we were in trouble for awhile, but like everyone else, thought there would be a day when it would just work itself out. I certainly didn't know he stopped loving me or wanted out. That was a total shocker especially since I still loved him. He says he never felt loved or respected in our marriage. No mention of how many times I never felt loved or respected myself. It is all one sided in his eyes.
Starsky, I love RobX's approach but that is definitley a LRT. Not sure I am ready to go there yet but getting very close. It definitely might help me get some power back but also might be the last nail in the coffin too. I have to really be ready for that ultimatum.
We will see what the weekend brings. I am going to ask him tonight if he is planning on coming to Easter dinner with my family. I know he is going to say no and that he is going running instead (he is an ultra-runner)and I will leave it at that. We will also see if he indeed saw someone today and if he confronts me about it this weekend. If that happens then I may be quoting RobX myself!
I pray that we will all have a peaceful holiday weekend despite the living hell we are all going through.
Starsky, I love RobX's approach but that is definitley a LRT. Not sure I am ready to go there yet but getting very close. It definitely might help me get some power back but also might be the last nail in the coffin too. I have to really be ready for that ultimatum.
Lily,
The man is actively scheming the end of your marriage -- legally, emotionally, financially. How are you in anything BUT the Last-Resort-Technique? In fact, I believe you are in the AFTER the Last Resort Technique.
A tree limb has crashed thru your roof, Lily. You ignore it at your peril.
Thank You kml! He is on Dostinex among a few other things. I thought about calling his doctor but then figured he would not see me. I am sure he has is dosage conrolled but he is on a few other things such as Ambien and a small dose of a anti-depressant. I will do some more research ASAP as well as look at the link.
abbey, I am not planning on changing who I am. I am a christian woman who was tought to love those who do not love me. I will continue to love him regardless of how he treats me. I refuse to let this turn ugly.
No one said stop loving him. There's a difference between self respect and being "ugly" to someone. Moreover, the one good positive that came out of my whole DB experience was the changes I made in me. Are you saying you will not change anything about you? I mean, you said that but I have a hard time believing you meant it, if you've done soul searching or read the books. Am I missing something here?
I am pretty sure he is planning something for Friday (i.e. filing for D) as I heard him talking on the phone behind closed doors last night. I think I would feel better if I knew for sure that it was only about our marriage, but he also has unresolved childhood issues big time, depression, and anger issues. All of which he would of course deny. I would hate to throw away 15 years if there are other causes. YOU have no control over HIS issues/actions. Only yourself. The faster you focus on what you CAN do, the better.
He is just so stubborn that he refuses help and denies there is anything else other than his unhappiness in our marriage that is causing his decisions. That's par for the course. The only thing he can "fix" in his life is removing you from it, in his mind. Typical for MLC and WAHs. Btw, I am not into categorizing a lot about MLC versus WAH. I don't think the approaches change and worse, a lot of women hope it's MLC b/c they either can't handle the idea of OW or b/c they think their chances of a reconciliation are higher with an MLC. I don't think there's a ton of evidence to support that but I wish to God I had not spent so much time focussed on my h and what he wanted/felt/thought and had more quickly worked out what I needed to feel happy in my life, with or without h. Ironically it was when real detachment happened, (detachment does not mean you don't care) that h began to come around.
GAL is definitely counter-intuitive as it feels as if I am giving up trying to fix the situation. I feel that if I stop focusing on it then it will crumble even faster. AAAAGGGHHHH!If you believe this, then you have Not read and understood DB. You have to bring something to the table other than your pursuit and neediness. That comes from GAL, among other things. Have you really read the DB books?
Thank You all for your support in these unbelievably trying times!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Starsky, I love RobX's approach but that is definitley a LRT. Not sure I am ready to go there yet but getting very close. It definitely might help me get some power back but also might be the last nail in the coffin too. I have to really be ready for that ultimatum.
Lily,
The man is actively scheming the end of your marriage -- legally, emotionally, financially. How are you in anything BUT the Last-Resort-Technique? In fact, I believe you are in the AFTER the Last Resort Technique.
A tree limb has crashed thru your roof, Lily. You ignore it at your peril.
Starsky
I agree.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Your right Starsky, I do freely admit to having my head in the sand. I have said it before. I did have a chat with him last night after I came home from Easter dinner to find him on his cell phone with his head buried in the covers in bed. He was talking quietly and had the door shut. I asked him if he had talked to any of his family members and he said no so I have to assume it was a female friend. I mean who else do you talk to on a holiday if it is not a good friend or family.
I asked him if he had someone else in his life and he said no. I then asked him if he wanted to have someone else in his life and he said "God No". I then asked him if he would tell me if he did and he said he would. I then told him that I felt that I was standing in the way of him being with someone else and he said that he didn't quite know how to answer that. I told him to answer it honestly and he said, "oh, I would, its just I don't really know what to say about it", whatever that means. I then dropped it.
My cousin who I spent the day with yesterday is a friend of his on FB. He doesn't realize I can see his FB page from work. He was very concerned WHY I was asking him about thinking there was someone else and I did not answer him. I think he assumed my cousin told me something which is further from the truth. Well, I hopped on FB from my iphone about 20 min after our conversation and he had changed his security settings so no-one but friends can see his wall. I called my cousin this morning to see if she could see his page and she informed me he had just deleted her as a friend! Yep, he is pretty much done.
I am going to have another talk with him tonight about where he stands with things, very close to the talk from RobX with some tweeks here and there.
You will all be happy to hear that I have found an attorney that I will be calling TODAY! I am starting to slowly but surely come to terms with things. Doesn't hurt any less but I am doing it. I will continue to love him unconditionally and be kind to him no matter how he treats me. Hopefully this will hit him later on in his life at some point.
So, I guess I need some clarification then as to what detachment really means. I have read Divorce Remedy but not Divorce Busting. Do the two books offer different things? Apparently I am not "getting it". I understand the whole GAL but what are the guidelines per say of a detachment? Do I still talk to him first, or is it only if he talks to me? Do I say hello, goodbye, goodnight, etc to him first? Do I comletely ignore him unless I am spoken to? Do I turn down a chance to run and errand or grab a bite with him? If you could clue me in to some of the ways you detached that would be great and very helpful.
I guess when I say I won't change, it means I won't relinquish my belifs that I need to love unconditionally and allow him to get the better of me. I have certainly learned a great deal about myself and I feel that I have changed for the better, i.e. more patience, understanding,forgiveness, etc.
Maybe I am just getting caught up in the details too much but if you could clue me in to how you detached that would be great.
You will all be happy to hear that I have found an attorney that I will be calling TODAY! I am starting to slowly but surely come to terms with things. Doesn't hurt any less but I am doing it. I will continue to love him unconditionally and be kind to him no matter how he treats me. Hopefully this will hit him later on in his life at some point.
Lily
No, Lily, it doesn't make me "happy" at all, but I do think it's wise that you protect yourself, and at least better know your options, rights, responsibilities, etc. legally.
As for this:
Quote:
I asked him if he had someone else in his life and he said no. I then asked him if he wanted to have someone else in his life and he said "God No". I then asked him if he would tell me if he did and he said he would. I then told him that I felt that I was standing in the way of him being with someone else and he said that he didn't quite know how to answer that. I told him to answer it honestly and he said, "oh, I would, its just I don't really know what to say about it", whatever that means. I then dropped it.
, this is a complete WASTE OF TIME, because:
- If there is no one else, he'll say there's no one else
- If there IS someone else, he'll say there's no one else.
ALL CHEATERS LIE, Lily -- PERIOD. They'll do it right to your face, and often will do it even when you present them with incontrovertable evidence. It's sad, almost pathetic, but it's true, and there's no point asking someone "Are you cheating on me?" It's like asking the Devil himself "Are you a deceiver?"
So, I guess I need some clarification then as to what detachment really means. I have read Divorce Remedy but not Divorce Busting. Do the two books offer different things? Apparently I am not "getting it". I understand the whole GAL but what are the guidelines per say of a detachment? Do I still talk to him first, or is it only if he talks to me? Do I say hello, goodbye, goodnight, etc to him first? Do I comletely ignore him unless I am spoken to? Do I turn down a chance to run and errand or grab a bite with him? If you could clue me in to some of the ways you detached that would be great and very helpful.
I guess when I say I won't change, it means I won't relinquish my belifs that I need to love unconditionally and allow him to get the better of me. I have certainly learned a great deal about myself and I feel that I have changed for the better, i.e. more patience, understanding,forgiveness, etc.
Maybe I am just getting caught up in the details too much but if you could clue me in to how you detached that would be great.
Lily
Lily,
Treat him as you would a roommate, or the mailman. Kind, courteous, upbeat . . . civil. But not like a husband, or even a best friend.
And when he flat-out lies to you, and you KNOW FOR A FACT he is lying, put your hand up in the "STOP" position and say "Please stop it. We both know you're lying to me right now, and it's incredibly disrespectful to me and to our marriage." If he continues to lie to your face, then turn around and walk out of the room.
You can't force him to stop cheating. But you CAN remove yourself from any disrespectful conversations, and lying directly to your face it the ultimate form of disrespect. He may or may not stop doing it, but YOU will feel infinitely better about yourself!
Lily, there are some nice pieces around this site on what detachment means, and I lack the time right now to go into it.
As far as seeing a L, good. For me, knowing my rights made me feel that I was not trapped into staying m, but ironically helped me feel "safe" in trying to save the m. I knew I wasn't making things worse for me or the kids, financially speaking. It was empowering also to know that no matter what happened, the kids and I would not be on the streets with nothing. Make sense?
And I'd suggest you stop asking him questions you really don't want the answers to...don't inflict pain on yourself; he's doing enough for now. No one says you must stop loving the person he is or once was. But you do have to survive, you have to maintain your dignity and self respect in order to be who you are AND in order to be an attractive person. I mean if you don't truly love and respect yourself, what does that tell your spouse about their feelings for you?
Check around the site for pieces on detachment. I think faithful H wrote or quoted one but there are several around the MWD site.
Good luck,
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Lily, google developing detachment livestrong. I did not understand what detachment truly meant until I read about it.
25, your story is inspirational. I read one of your post in "For Newcomers" forum. Thank you for sharing.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
