One more quick though, after reading ur post on country's thread:
My WAW does the whole "when you're parenting, do it this way" thing. I had enough of that one day and flat out told her "I'm not an incompetent parent. I can handle it." She realized what she was doing and it seems to have set a boundary between us. When D is with me, I do it my way. She can b!tch all she wants, but I'm still doing it my way.
"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending." - Maria Robinson
M: 45 WAW: 36 T: 17 M: 14 Kids: D9 ILYBNILWY: 6/2010 W left: 2/2011 W back: 2/2012
Day 171: The walls are telling me to eat more honey nut cheerios. I think they are right. My coffee was singing me a lulla-bye... but it didn't work. I think I'll wrestle the alligator in the fridge next.
lol... :-)
OK, seriously. D8 had some sort of "earth day" thing going on at school this eve. W notified me last night by email. Said she'd forgot about this and apologized for short notice. Never bothered to respond to that.
Went to event. Caught up with D8... and D13, FS16, and FIL...? No W...? Bizarre... no matter how you slice it.
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I'd mentioned in another thread how I was finding my W doing odd things like lingering and bizarre behaviours. Things like giving me the equivalent of (17yr old) "giggle waves" at my niece13's b-day party, and hugging my mom when W left. She ended an email conversation giving me a heads up of being interviewed for TV on short notice and her hair's a mess... like I care...? Like OMW says... crazy lady...
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As I've mentioned previously, D13 and W have had a co-dependence since we met. Bad mojo in D13's bio dad and W's relationship when I came on to the scene. W and D13 had forever after been very clingy, W treat(ed/s) D13 like a close, adult friend, even when she was 4 and 5 yrs old. W kept D13 close, even taking her to many, late night "adult parties" we'd go to. D13 sleeping with W in our bed on regular basis (as recently as two years ago) for days at a time. I'd be left to sleep on couch or in D13's empty bed. Again, all this type of stuff from when D13 was 2, right through till 10 and even now.
Did I try to do anything about it? Sure I did. Co-dependency is a nasty disease and trying to get between mama bear and baby bear is safer than trying to get between a co-dependent mother and child. I did my best and did well, but there's only so much I could safely do. This began my walk on egg shells.
Anyhow, D13 has been behaving "oddly" as well. As much as she's distancing herself from me, which one would say is a 13 yr old behaviour, it always coincides with the cycles of W. When W is close and nice, D13 is close and nice. When W is distant, D13 is distant. Always had a difficult time getting in between the two, though made significant inroads with that over the years. Still...
So (in privacy of homes; when friends aren't there to see) D13 will initiate conversations or give hugs when she/I leave. At school event today, D13 told me all about her sore wrist (an apparent boxing strain). I had to do the whole "Dr. Dad" diagnostic on it. Probably a strained or torn ligament. Giving me the 13 yr old "stare down" when I'm behaving goofy in public, but you see that inside smile. Love it... :-)
As much as she claims she doesn't want to be here often and not for overnights (unless she knows she can have friends over and "p0wn" my place), and as much as W claims to be trying to encourage D13 to come here. I have strong suspicions that D13 has not been coming here in order to show W that D13's loyalties are still with W. But also, because with W being so busy on weekends as she has these days, D13 has free reign of house and her life. No need to escape by coming here.
But... I know (can tell from her responses to me) that she is excited to learn SCUBA diving. I've got some options for us. Just need to get the money together. D8 said to me (candidly offered information during quiet time) that D13 told her that she was excited for SCUBA. Of course, it was in response to D8 questioning D13 about it. But I'm sure it was sincere, and not just meant to make D8 happy.
So like I said, bizarre behaviour in W seems to show up as odd behaviour in D13... gotta love/hate co-dependence...
What I did recently, the bit of all the emails was, like you've said in your sitch, "an experiment".
I realized that dark, or more accurately n/c, was actually "more of the same". See, when W had an issue with me, she'd fester on it. She'd give me the silent treatment. I often did the same, although I was more apt to talk to her about my issue. Still, silent treatment was the norm.
You know... the brave "let it roll off your back" and "choose your battles" mentality and behaviours.
So I figured in our current sitch, a "proper" 180 would be to initiate conversation, good AND especially bad. Talk about it and have open communication, rather than saying nothing. She complained recently about not wanting to end up like her mom and dad. They would go (as she recounts) a month without talking. The had separated once (for a year) when she was about 13 and have recently divorced, about two years ago. Much of that could be pointed to as poor (no verbal) communication between the two.
Not suggesting this as better, but my mom and dad would communicate when there was a problem. Boy... would they communicate. They'd yell, scream, swear, throw things, yell, throw more things, yell, scream... Not sure if that was real clear... ;-)
People can say that both ways are wrong. Here's the thing... MIL and FIL are divorced. My mom and dad...? Will celebrate 47 years married this year. I can only go by what I know. I find that people who at least yell and scream, if they can't talk with their inside voices, seem to be yelling and screaming at each other 25 and 50 years later. Because many of them still seem to be married, as opposed to those who stop communicating all together.
So, it was just an experiment. To see what would come out. I'd say it was actually good results, even though it didn't lead towards R.
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Now like I said, it was actually interesting and good results. So that actually begs the question, "if that's a true 180 in our sitch, why stop?" I don't know. I'm stopping because I'm not supposed to contact W and do this type of communication with her...
OK, I'm going to say... as MWD states in DR, 180 is often doing 1 thing completely opposite, although LRT is in essence a more general 180. So the 180 I've been talking about around here, while it would certainly make a major impact, may not be for everyone.
Should not use a 15lb sledge to drive a finishing nail...
Speaking of DR, I've just dusted mine off today. I'm going to follow the bible... erm... DR book to a T.
Who else is with me? Wanna really DB and DR like the good book says, and see how many of our sitches it can REALLY make a positive difference in?
W emails me today after a week of n/c. Some discussion about financials. Then mentions that the kids will be ready for regular pickup time tomorrow to go to my folks for Easter. She will not come along but thanks for offer.
NB: Finally she made her decision about whether she will go or not, or at least finally let me know what her decision is.
I responded back to her thanking her for the financial info and a little bit more that I'll mention below. Also said too bad she wasn't going to join us for Easter. Told her to have a good Easter.
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The extra bit is:
Looks like I may have failed in my bid to renew my lease for the year. Not for sure, for sure. But I found out landlord was "showing" the place today. That sux. That means I'll have to move in with my folks for a bit and will loose my primary business and revenue.
That's fine. I have some options and I won't get down on this. But that does mean that I will be an hour away from my kids rather than five minutes from them. That make quite an impact regarding visits and custody.
Oh well, what can I do. I made my bed when I chose to move out. I will have to face the consequences of the now and work hard to make my situation better.
Second morning I wake up with memory of dream that are rather... interesting...
Can't quite remember what it was yesterday morning, but from this dream, I remember that it was similar.
This morning's dream was about her niece18 asking me how I was doing. I say "good". She then says, but what about you and auntie(W)? I woke up without a response to her question.
I guess I don't have a response for the question, or one I'm not willing to share... But it more felt like the dream was about friends being concerned that we have split and are maybe growing apart.
Anyhow, just dreams... Maybe I'll figure out what they mean to me one day.
OK, that's obviously me thinking about how I am concerned that we have split and are growing apart, throwing in a bit of concern about how "the world" (our family) might think about this (me). Guess I have to work on that bit...
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OK, starting from the beginning. Chapter 1: What am I dealing with, here?
Certainly "The Not-So-Great Escape" - W does not want to be in a loveless marriage. Too many stresses, etc.
Certainly "Well-Meaning Friends and Family" - Although I have indicators that her MIL had instructed W to "wait it out", other family members and friends have been validating her negative feelings about me. Obviously with the intention of making W feel better, even though I could perceive (and did) it as negativity about me.
Certainly "The Media Myth-Makers" - W reads a lot of books that, while not harlequin romances, are books that have the protagonist in a crisis and how they change their lives in this trauma and find happiness, often in the arms in a man who really understands them and is their "soul mate".
And... I think those above contribute a great deal to the next, which I can also attest to following the pattern of the LBS...
Certainly "The Walkaway-Wife Syndrome" - I won't justify or rationalize, but I certainly was an active participant in this. I knew that W liked to feel in control, so I left most of the decision making to her. Especially in regard to the kids and the house and family outings and... well, I guess I pretty much let her do everything, and did my own thing.
W definitely checked the temp, often and responded with the usual "We never do anything together" and "You are always put customers ahead of us". And I did the Mars thing. And then I heard the "I am a single parent" comment as well as me not involved in family life. And I have definitely heard the "I've tried" (and he hasn't) and other stuff. Then came the indicators that showed W was starting to take control of her own life and kids, without me. Anyhow...
But then I wonder about how that might be combined with "The Anytime Midlife Crisis" - Two immediate triggers that I can see. First, FIL and MIL get S, quickly followed by D. And then MIL (and this really wasn't planned by MIL as far as I can understand) hooks up with her teen love and find themselves married within a year of her D. W certainly has said many times how she doesn't want to end up like her mom and dad, in a loveless M, etc, etc... Also, W's grandmother dies around this time, as well. Could have been a trigger for MIL to D and find "true love". Grandmother was in bad marriage and D'd, only to find her "true love", even though he had many short comings that were often pointed at by the family when he wasn't around.
So, that's what I can determine W's position and reasoning for where we're at. I, of course, did my part to this end. Not paying attention, not being involved, not meeting W's needs, etc, etc.
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So next I'll go to Chapter 2 and begin the "Seven Steps" within the next day, or two.
Can someone remind me why we go dark? What's the purpose? I've received an email that is informative, but does contain a question that is relating to the kids regarding inheritance from my grandmother. It's joint inheritance for all the great-grand kids, and by her wishes, I've been holding off. At least for a little while longer.
The other was financial between the two of us. No question in that part, but there was some business/banking info that I so want to give her advice on.
Anyhow, I'm going to be dark on this, but like I said, I'm trying to remember what the purpose of dark is. I'll review DB info for this. If it's strictly regarding emotional (for me), there's really no emotion tied to this comm, so it would not be harmful nor helpful in that way.
You dont have to be dark on everything. Things that concern the kids need to be expressed.
The idea of going dark is to let her know that you are GAL and that she doesnt dominate your thoughts. It gives her time to miss you and see what life will be like without you and it also gives her some space. It gives you some power back; especially if you were crying and pleading for her to reconsider.
There are so many reasons for going dark and not one is the same for everybody.
9
BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
If it's legal or financial, wait a while and then answer "I'll discuss this with my attorney, and we'll be back in touch. Not avoiding you, just want to make a good decision on this and I trust him to advise me correctly" or some such.
