18 Wheels and a Dozen Roses

[OnMyWay]

AJM80,

I think you are making great progress. You've obviously have a handle on things and it looks to me as if your R with H has changed significantly. He's around, he's participating - all good stuff. I like that you have a plan for your future and that it will be up to your H to decide if he fits into it or not.

Keep at it.

OMW

[AJM80]

I quit my job this week. It was the right decision and instead of feeling panicked like I did when I was trying to sort out daycare/figure out how to go back, I feel a little sad, but it feels right. (I know some of you may disagree and I respect and appreciate your advice. It's done though and I honestly believe it was the right thing for the time being. I have a back up plan and a back up for that back up and several places I could live/things I could go do)

Maybe a backslide, I don't know, but I called H and told him "today was the day". I said, I want to know if you have gone to lawyer or (this is a more blunt version of how I said it) are just waiting for me to quit my job and take the kids and screw me over. I basically said, best case, we keep getting along and everything is really good, but I feel like with a step this big, I need some assurances that you really are being upfront with me.

Later that day he told me he'd figured out what we could contribute to retirement (with phase outs, etc) and asked if I had cash to do it. I said I did, but I didn't plan to invest it. He hemmed and hawed a little. I said, if we were staying together, would you be worried about me contributing. Nope. I said, ok, but you think I should in this situation. he said, it will probably be the last year we can do this because his income is going up and it is limited. I said, but I would be able to contribute to it, right, because I wouldnt be phased out (as a single mother with child support and a part time job)....silence....yes, I guess you would.

He texted half an hour later to say not to fund it. He walked over to the bank and did both of ours. I texted him later that was nice and he didn't have to. I had decided not to - I have a good retirement fund and would rather have a little more cash on hand this year. But, it came out of his accounts so I was appreciative.

He wrote, Look, I know I've made mistakes, but I don't wish you ill. I wish the best for you and the kids. I wrote back, look, I appreciated it and thanked you, do you have issues with me saying thank you and that we need to discuss so you are more comfortable?

So, next day...daughter is missing daddy hard core this week. That lovely day sunday means she wanted him mon and all tues morning. We had a fine visit tues night, nothing special. I popped out for awhile.

This morning H asked for a favor for a friend, easy thing. H also texted asking me how D is sleeping, since she had a nightmare mon night. I said she was normally fantastic and we were lucky to have such good kids. I texted this too, "you know, when we have a really nice time or d is crying for you, I think, God, maybe we should just stay together for the kids" (something I told him was a load of crap - to stay together till they are 18, then plan to split) He replied, "ya, I hear you." Then, since we'd been talking a bit and we obviously we not about to get into that, he wrote that he had to get back to work and would talk to me later.

If we reconcile, H needs to be fully committed to this, not just another 16 year crappy placeholder of a marriage. BUT, I'm ok with what I wrote. I honestly felt that way. I wasn't being down or negative. I am pissed that he's messing with our lovely kids and screwing up their sense of self and future relationships.....Yell away...I know this is a hell of a post.

Added to all this stress, my older sister is having some health issues and we're a bit worried it may be cancer and she has a house full of little kids. Minus - son's follow up to surgery went very, very well. Plus - after all the family coming the last 2 weeks, it is lonely around here (hence the trip to Niagara).

Can H ever make up for cheating....probably...can he make up for all the ways he's added stress to my life, the kids lives, and my family's lives, AND all the ways he's failed to support and help me through difficult times? I don't know.

[~ kd ~]

It takes two, AJM.

I could sit and think that W wasn't committed to M. Then I have to think... was I? W doesn't communicate... Do I...?

My W does this or doesn't do that... What did I or did I not do...?

Just thoughts...

[sparks14]

Wow. Big events in that post, AJ.

I am actually on your side for quitting your job. I thought the time line to move away was too pressuring. I think this will ease some of that pressure and allow you and H to take some more baby steps forward.

I see the convo about staying together for the kids maybe a little differently then most. It may not be getting together for all the right reasons (love and commitment to M), but I do think the renewed M gives the chance to really work on the M. If your H is committed, then the two of you can begin really practicing good M skills. Maybe marriage counseling or a marriage retreat. Even reading some good relationship books together.

So I see at as more of a way to have him come back into the family but only if there is dedication for working on improving your M. I see you being dedicated. I hope he commits as well.

[OnMyWay]

Good thought sparks! Not a bad plan to reconcile for the kids with the understanding that you'll use the opportunity to but the M back together. AJM80 once told me on this very board that I'm gonna have to fix myself for another W/R, so it may as well do it for this W/M.

So, if he's willing to get back in the game, it can be an open door to bigger & better things as long as there is commit to that end.

Question is what does AJM80 want? If your goal is to save the M, then get the commitment and get to it? How do you feel?

You also once told me to not settle for half way. Its a fine line.

[AJM80]

I don't know that I agree with guys. I kind of feel like agreeing to stay married for 18 more years, then assuming 1) No cheating, 2) we wouldn't actually divorce when the time came, and 3)that it could be a healthy, functional relationship/set a good example for the kids is a bad idea. He's only toying with the idea..maybe I would feel differently if it sounded like any real commitment was being offered. In our situation, he didn't value me/our kids the way he should (or even himself), so I think making us cheaper/easier to obtain is counter to that goal.

@Kaffe - I interrupted him and times and was not always a good listener, I also didn't always appreciate what he was going through, I was angry/stressed/felt unappreciated/etc. HOWEVER (huge here)- I didn't cheat on him, I didn't engage in risky behavior and essentially steal family money to fund it and I didn't abandon my spouse, baby girl, and newborn son. What did I do? I worked 50+ hours a week, paying for a full time nanny and cutting what student loans would have been by half, I was pregnant and had a 18 month old, I tried to initiate convo/sex/time together. He failed, he really did. He and I both know it. We have 2 issues - 1) his selfishness/lack of maturity/possible depression/mental health issues and 2) our joint failure to put our relationship 1st post baby 1/appreciate each other. I've done a great deal of thinking @ the 2nd issue and have made some apologies and changes accordingly. (I'm sure a little anger comes through - not at your comment- more at situation/H). I really was a pretty decent wife and friend.

[OnMyWay]

maybe I would feel differently if it sounded like any real commitment was being offered. In our situation, he didn't value me/our kids the way he should (or even himself), so I think making us cheaper/easier to obtain is counter to that goal.

Agreed. It's gotta be real, or at least have the potential to be real, not just convenient or cost effective.

[AJM80]

Well, well, well....I don't really have an update. Just felt like saying that. After the Thur visit I emailed H asking him a few questions, not time sensitve, to help me move towards a decision about moving -
1) Do you want us to stay here? If so, this is your opportunity to lobby.
2) When and where would you move? (He's already said he'll be moving out of his apt because of $$)
3) Are you still seeing the girl or anyone you would consider bringing around the kids?

I sent a sep email saying the egg hunt was Sat, not Sun and to let me know if he'd like to switch days/go.

No response to either or to the email I sent him/his mom on Fri that had their Easter bunny photo attached.

H skipped his Sun visit (ya, Easter) and was MIA from Thurs night's visit on. He texted me at like 8 Sat to tell me he wasn't coming Sun and would like to do M/T/R/S this week. I texted him Sun and said why the late notice. "I'm not feeling well". "Baby has been spitting up a lot - is that one of your symptoms?". "No, achy flu/headache"

Last night he showed up and said, can you hear I have a little throat tickle? (Umm, nope). He said, I thought about coming anyway, I know Easter is important to you. Is it a big deal that I missed it? I said, honestly, not being catty, honestly it isn't as big a deal as you missing tgiving and christmas last year...he can suck on that bitter truth. Hey, at least he managed valentine's day, right?

H whined about doing bubbles with D (I don't like them, it is boring and takes forever) - what a jerk. You don't like kite flying or ice skating or bowling either, but they are still fun. Everything can't be skiing or drumming. Later I threw an Easter egg at him, then felt like I was being a bad example for D and put myself in corner. He helped D count my timeout and gave me a hug when I came out and said I was sorry. D wasn't saying I love you back when he said it, she just says "Daddy say bye bye". When he left he put D to bed and loved on son a little. He kissed son bye and leaned towards me, involuntarily, I think. So I was like, you can hug me, and he did.

There's the play by play.

[OnMyWay]

Ok,

so, AJM80, you are always giving the female perspective, and I certainly appreciate that more than many, as I'm an admitted man and am relatively clueless regarding female perspective. Question is, are you open to the male response?

This post left me feeling less than "open" toward you and reconciliation. I'd like to sleep on it, but I have a feeling this is a little harsh for your H. Might just be the tone of your msg, but I'll consider it and get back to you once I'm sure I feel the way I do about this.

[OnMyWay]

Does your H tender feelings that he's not "good enough" for your M/R?