=============== I also think that I understand what you are saying (and agree in some situations) when you say "...open relationship is a hell of a lot better than a divorce if h & w can accept it." However, if the h & w are that emotionally together, then I think they should be able to work on curing their underlying problems that caused the SSM situation. ==============================
Hard to say. It is possible that the SSM situation is a result of someone just not having much of a sex drive. If you accept the premise that the cause is something in the relationship itself, then it is always good to work those issues out, obviously. But many times the very difference between a wife's needs and that of the husbands causes some of the issues that ultimately pushes the couple apart. In other words, it is essential to be able to differentiate between the cause and the effect, and that is not always transparent.
I used the word cheating and infedelity because to me an SSM is a mariage in crisis; one that has gone terrible wrong for some reason. This forum is all about those in an SSM. A marriage (to me) does involve at least at the beginning a pledge to forsake others.
Again, marriage can mean forsaking all others or it can mean accepting occasional dalliances. It really depends on what the couple wants.
Some people get into a marriage not appreciating the price of monogamy. After a few years of being faithful it may not feel right to that person.
Some open relationships get there by evolution, and others begin that way.
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She told our sex therapist that she has never masturbated in her entire life and I believe her. She truly was LD compared to me and her anger at me ultimately turned LD into ND.
=================================================== My hunch is that based on your description of her, she may have used anger issues as a disguise to escape from sex and that her agenda (either consciously or unconsciously) was to take sex out of your marriage.
========================================================== I doubt that she would have wanted to have sex with others as well. So for me an open marriage was not a likely an option. I could be wrong, but don't think in our case I am.
========================================== My personal opinion is that abstaining from sex without mutual consent is cheating just as much as having sex outside the marriage without telling someone is cheating.
I don't think that you need consent if someone refuses to have sex. And, I don't think that the person with no or low desire needs to want to have an outside relationship in order for you to have one.
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Sex with another woman would have been an option in my SMM situation. But as you say it would have been cheating on my wife. I believe you when you say that you and your wife do not "cheat" on each other. However in my case, had I just had sex with another woman without tellng my wife, or had I pressured her into saying to me "...yes go have sex with some other woman" it would not be the type of "open marriage" you are describing or that works for others. ========================================================
First, I am not suggesting that an open marriage would work for you. I haven't a clue whether it would or not.
Secondly, I don't advocate your "cheating" on your wife. I think that it is a matter of saying, look, I had every reason to believe I would have a decent sex life in our marriage. It is something I want or need. Tell me what we need to do to get our sex life back to where I need it.
Then, if that doesn't work, it is time to say that you value your marriage and love your wife, but you are going to seek some other companion for sex from time to time. Period. You don't need consent and your wife doesn't need to be outside your marriage in order to keep it even.
I also think that if my wife had given me the freedom to have sex with other women, such sex would have prevented the healing that ultimatly occurred in my marriage. ==================================================
If you now have a relationship that you are happy with, then you have obviously made the right choice. Are you having regular sex now? Or are you resigned to the fate of having infrequent or no sex for peace in the house?
