I'm definitely detaching, sometimes I wonder if too much...
Went out with a large group of friends for wings, beer and hockey game. W was there and sat kitty corner from me; our group had kinda sorted into boys and girls tables (how elementary school of us). Didn't talk to her much, talked more to the guys I was sitting with. She did ask about a text from her I ignored (good news about our escrow), responded back that yes, it was really good news. I left after the 2nd period and walked home, happy that I had hung out with friends and indifferent about W.
I'm really settling into having my own place. It might be hard to go back to living with someone.
W has been initiating almost all of the contact lately and I kinda like it.
Been listening to Pearl Jam this morning and one song that sticks out is I Am Mine. Some lyrics:
The selfish, they're all standing in line Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time Me, I figure as each breath goes by I only own my mind
The North is to South what the clock is to time There's east and there's west and there's everywhere life I know I was born and I know that I'll die The in between is mine I am mine
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
Feeling a bit down today, guess it's to be expected from time to time.
Got a call from brother yesterday around dinner. Calls from family mean either they need money or someone's hospitalized. This was M being taken to hospital, severe pain in legs, infection in foot, missed dialysis the day before due to the pain. Brother reminds me that I have medical power of attorney. I let him know I'm going to Asia in two weeks and won't have a phone. If they need to get hold of me they'll have to email.
Family (M and B) live four hours away and I'm not close with them at all. It sounds really selfish, but I really don't want to visit unless she's dying. I have too many other things going on right now and I don't feel like rearranging all of it. I've already decided that if she goes while I'm overseas that I will not cut my vacation short.
Which leads to the next feeling of sadness, the huge earthquake in Japan. We'll be there in less than three weeks. While I'm sure where we're going will be ok (mostly SW of Tokyo), it's still disheartening to see all the damage and destruction knowing I'll be there soon.
The detaching and dim contact was also getting me down. Sent W a quick email wishing her a good trip today to visit SD. She called a few minutes later, before reading my email, asking for some mundane information. We chatted for a few minutes and brought up the issue of a musical that was rescheduled for the weekend after her Bday. Told her that our tickets were the same, just changed to that particular Sunday evening. She just wanted to make sure just in case she wants to go somewhere for her Bday. Mentioned that worst case, she could sell her ticket. The implication I got was Bday without me. Still, that's two months away and I can't get worked up about it now.
It's going to be a long weekend I suspect...
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
Finally talked to my B about my mom. Looks like long term care for her. But, if it's over 100 days, her SS and Medicare basically stop so B has to find new place to live (he's been helping mom). M has a black infected toe that if IV antibiotics don't work, they'll have to amputate. To top all this off, her regular doc thinks there has been neglect, so B says to expect call from social services. Can't wait!
W is flying (flew) to San Diego for spring break with her D. I didn't want to tell her what was going on because she doesn't like my M (she's a very hard person to like, not sure I even do). I end up telling her the sitch and it sounds like she feels bad. Few texts back and forth. Get to my soccer game tonight to see her car there. Here's where I just couldn't take it anymore and send her text "I see OM has your car". She never responded. I know that there was nothing good that could come out of that, but I'm just so frustrated and sad right now.
I talked to W's best friend later (not about this) and she's visiting tomorrow with her D and BF. This was actually W's idea. We're going to a party late afternoon together with my boys. Should be fun and hopefully keep my mind off of things.
Line for 2 x 4s starts to the right, looking forward to the eventual numbing from them
Oh, W finally texted back. "OM drove me to the airport". I'm not going to respond, just go to bed.
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
It's been a while since I've posted or responded to anyone. If I had one word to describe the last week, it would be overwhelming.
The main reason I couldn't post was due to my mother's health. M went to hospital a week and a half ago. Got call on Monday saying she was in really bad shape. Wasn't sure she'd be alive when I got there (4 hour drive). She was, but delirious, didn't recognize me, etc. She's better now, but going into LTC today. I've got power of attorney for her, so I've been settling things the past few days.
Along with M health issues, I'm still dealing with S14 who has anxiety and other issues. Met with psychiatrist and his first thought was Asperger's. I don't think so, but I can see where he got the idea.
And of course, the piece de resistance, the ongoing S from my W. We've both gone dim on each other. I haven't seen her in two weeks. We've texted and emailed a little, some practical things (like M sitch) and a few random convos. I've pretty much let her initiate all contact.
Thankfully, I've been able to see positive things as they happen. I ran 6 miles Saturday morning. S12 was on the front page of our newspaper yesterday and I was very proud of him! Sent a link to the online version to friends and family. Of course, the only one of them not to respond in congratulations was W.
I broke down and cried for the first time in ages on Friday. I've been an emotional wreck. I've noticed I can keep it under control if I keep myself busy, but that only seems to go so far.
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
I can't believe it's been a month since I've posted. A lot has happened since then. Background story all above...
Two main reasons I haven't posted was the traveling I've done, first to visit mom (4 hrs away) and trip to Asia (17 days). While I was in Hong Kong my mom died. I wasn't expecting to grieve as I felt nothing when my dad died. Guess I was wrong...
Also, while on trip with W, OM and friends, we were out late the first night (like 6am) acclimating to the time change and partying. I had a breakdown and called W a bunch of nasty things and got into fight with OM. Yeah, it was a classy act on my part. W and I spent the rest of the trip on a roller coaster. Some days we would snuggle together and other days would barely talk. The other two guys in our group told me multiple times to dump W. By the time we hit Kyoto I had decided I needed to go as dark as I could with her. Gave her the speech below (thanks to the DBer who originally wrote this):
Quote:
"I've told you before that I still love you and still think that we can have a great life together as both a couple and a family. I've not changed my mind on that. But I understand you are not happy, that you do not feel happy or complete inside.
You need to do what will make you happy. By my side, we live as partners, we share everything and we would do anything to help one another. But that's only if we continue as a team.
I won't stand in your way. But I also will not help you leave this marriage or this family. And I will never accept another person being a part of our life together.
I hope you find the happiness you are looking for. Go do what you need to do. You know where I will be."
We held each other tightly, cried, and the rest of the trip (last few days) went ok. She tried to get snippy with me a couple of times but I stood my ground with her and she seemed to respect that.
Since coming back we've been very dim. She had a bad night sleep last Friday and sent a bunch of questions, some serious, some not (do you like Pina Coladas, getting caught in the rain?) I agreed to do some things for the house. Many might question that, but one of her LL is acts of service and I don't want to shut the door on that. Plus, she's had thoughts of selling the house, so the work I do will help bring up the value.
While everything else is going on, my S14 has been having problems in school, culminated by him telling another student to F off and getting suspended.
I've already shot past my target weight of 145 (I was 165 or so last year) and weighed about 138 when I got back from Japan. I've got people coming up to me telling me I need to eat!
By this weekend I felt an overwhelming sense of loss. Loss of my mom, of my W, of my friends and of my home. I feel like I'm losing my friends because there are a lot of group activities scheduled for this summer (trips, concerts, camping, etc.) between W, friends and OM and I haven't been invited to them. Like I said, a complete sense of loss...
I like to end my posts on a good note, so I should mention how I snapped out of my funk Sunday. Ran my first 5K. I would have been happy just to get under 30 minutes, but my final time ended up being 25:59! I was shocked to say the least! Already looking for my next race and am starting training for a half-marathon.
It felt good to get this out. Encouragement anyone...?
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
Good time on the run, mate! Exercise is a wonderful way to help with attitude, though WOW is it hard to get motivated sometimes (ironically, this--trying to get my depressed spouse to exercise in order to improve her mood--is one of the items quoted by her for reasons to leave as I was "controlling", ack).
But good on you for continuing to run. That'll pay big benefits. GOOD job on the speech, I think--you're clear that you're supportive and welcoming but that you can't do it alone (I still haven't managed to make this point to my W, who says "it is up to you to fix everything", ack).
TOUGH going on a trip with her AND OM. Wow. Maybe I missed it--what forced you into that? I would think that'd be really difficult to deal with...
With every down on the rollercoaster there's an associated up...
W and I drove to a concert last night. First time we've seen each other in over a week (been pretty dim with her). Had dinner at a brewpub before the show and I was on, acting as-if, actually, I wasn't even acting, I was genuinely happy to be with W and was fun to be around.
The distance and dimness gave us a lot to talk about. We discussed each other summer plans and what's been going on in our lives. She seemed pretty eager to share what she is doing this summer even though it didn't include me. I also shared what I am doing and I think she's realizing I'm GAL without her.
I thought the show was good. W wasn't really into the music but mentioned several times that she was having a good time and was glad she went. She was very tired from long days at work and little sleep, so she rested her head against me for a while. Ended up kissing a bit for the first time in a least three months. Drove home, dropped her off at her car and gave her another kiss goodnight. All in all it was about as perfect as a 'date' could be.
W has weekend plans so I probably won't see her until next week at the earliest. I'm ok with that, I do think we need time apart from each other. We've got a couple more 'dates' planned for the next few weeks. Good time to show her what a catch I am
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
Well, not really a lot to say in terms of W. She went camping with another couple and OM. The four of them have several group outings planned for the summer. It [censored], it feels (and looks) like two couples doing things together. While W was camping I watched the dogs and cats at our (her) house.
Hung out with friends Fri and Saturday nights. Saturday night went to a bonfire at a friends house in the country. Ended up being flirty with a woman I met there, but found out later that night she was married. Not that anything would have happened, but the attention was nice.
Sunday I went out for lunch myself (happy Easter). Ended up chatting with SIL for a while. She lives in CO and I caught her up on our (W and I) recent trip. She mentions offhand how hard it must have been with OM on the trip. I told her it was hard but secretly wondered to myself how she knew anything of him. Then again, I think everyone around us knows about him.
W and I exchanged Happy Easter text messages and she thanked me for some candy I got her (not much, but it was stuff she likes). Easter is her favourite holiday, so despite what some here might say I thought it was appropriate to get her at least a token gift (2x4s still accepted as necessary). Other than that, very dim, hardly any contact at all.
I'm not a big Easter fan, but it was hard yesterday, especially seeing all the couples and families out having lunch together. At least that's over for the year. Next milestone/holiday, Ws birthday soon. Ugh
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
W and I exchanged Happy Easter text messages and she thanked me for some candy I got her (not much, but it was stuff she likes). Easter is her favourite holiday, so despite what some here might say I thought it was appropriate to get her at least a token gift (2x4s still accepted as necessary). [/quote]
Sure. Nothing quite says "Gee, thanks for cheating on me, and Happy Easter!" like a favorite box of candy.
