Positively moving forward

[ClingingToHope]

I was reading Gabbysmom's forum and how angry she still is with her ex's wedding coming up.

One of the things I've learned from this is you can NEVER put yourself in someone else's shoes. No one really knows the pain of being an LBS unless they have been one. I know I'll never know the pain someone feels when they lose a child because I haven't lost one.

I can imagine but not really know the pain of having a signficant other around my daughters. It is likely to happen some day and it'll hurt. I won't know how much though until then.

You seem to be doing well handling it though.

[awest1217]

I am not doing well at all, and I haven't been for the past few days. Actually since Friday. I think it is a huge array of things that has got me down. I got the final property settlement on Friday which means that H will soon be XH. That really has me down because I think deep inside I was hoping he would come around. We get along so well and his R with OW is exactly like my R with him or like my R with him was, but it didn't happen. It looks like we will be D'd as soon as the end of the month or by next month.

I am glad and sad and mad about this. I am glad it will all be over, but at the same time sad for the same reason.

Also I think because this is exactly 2 years since the A came out to me, I am having a really hard time. Last year it didn't seem to bother me too much, but this year it does and I am not sure why. Maybe it is because on top of it being two years of H leaving it is also the D finalizing. I am finding myself getting very angry again and having more memory flashes than I normally do. Once again...not sure why.

I have been crying again at the drop of a hat, even in the stores. A song will come on and I will start to cry. It is all weird. I don't have anyone I can really talk to because most of my friends and family (except one person who listens and just understands) just say how I need to move on and he was a jerk, etc. He was a jerk and for years they said at different times how he was abussive to me emotionally, but I didn't see it until I was out of it, but it still hurts and although I look nice and have so much more confidence now, I am feeling those same feelings I did when this all started of being insecure, like I am not enough, etc.

I am sure it will all pass soon, but it is still hard.

Spring break was fun. S and I went to TN for the first weekend, which was a blast. Although H has only had S for full weekends one month, this month he only has S Friday nights again, his choosing. Last weekend on Saturday was my nephews second birthday (he was born when H left so it gave me somethign to focus on that week) so I asked for S to come home for the party. H said yes, which I knew he would and it was good, but instead of asking for him back he just said he could stay with me and instead of taking him extra during spring break since he had off like I did, he didn't because he was too busy volunteering at the place where OW works. I feel sorry for S when he begins to realize that H chooses her over even him, which makes me sad and mad as well.

Honestly, until last Friday I was doing well. This week I am busy and next week is a four day weekend because of Easter so that is nice. Right now i have to get through today and my 2 hours of sleep because S decided not to sleep last night...up at 2 am and didn't go back to sleep until 5 am...

[ClingingToHope]

I wonder if I'll be like when I see the actual finish line.

I still get a little misty-eyed on certain things, but the tears don't fall anymore. That's progress.

I know deep down I still have that 1 percent hope that the D doesn't happen -- and this is even after the realization that I don't really like anything about STBXW.

[awest1217]

All is better now. I am not as sad anymore and not crying at the drop of a hat. The down has passed. I am now working on still improving. I planted a ton of grass seed yesterday in hopes of revitalizing my lawn that the weed and feed killed last year. I raked and raked and spread and watered so hopefully it will do well. In a couple of weeks I will fertilize with the starter fertilizer that make my yard really green last year. Now just weeding and in May I will get my outdoor annuals. Otherwise all is well.

Busy weekend with our children's resale at church tomorrow and Satruday. Then next week is a four day week because then it is easter and I get to hang with two of my best friends!

[Lucky11too]

Hey Awest, sorry I have been so absent. Unfortunately, I've been dealing with awful circumstances. =(

It's interesting what you said the other day about feeling insecure and not feeling like enough. I was just processing those feelings for myself too. Guys have started expressing interest in me, but i can't seem to get over all the emotional damamge H did to my self-confidence. I know in my brain that I'm a strong, smart, beautiful woman, but I battle the "why would he like me" thoughts. I think this is especially more difficult when a breakup is caused by an affair, b/c it's like he picked someone else over me, so I must not be good enough. (I learned more about H's "perfect" OW3 last week, so that is not helping these feelings). I just have to remind myself that I am more than good enough and better and stronger than ever now, and that H is just an idiot for letting me go in the first place. Glad you are doing better now, but I definitely understand those feelings.

It's great to have the spring weather in full swing now. It's so great how much work you are putting into your house so that it can be a place where you feel pride and joy to live. Good luck with the resale this weekend!

[ClingingToHope]

I'm not sure what an affair does to those "good enough" feelings. In my case, it appears as if STBXW just didn't want to be married to me. It doesn't appear as if she picked anyone else. She picked alone over me -- and that hurts, too.

[awest1217]

My birthday weekend went ok. I didn't do anything to celebrate, but it was good. The resale went well and was fun. I hung out with S. Church yesterday adn then I had my nephew and S. They took a nap and so did I because my sinuses are not doing well. Always this time of year, or at least since I moved to IN. I remember the first year here I got such horrible headaches that my parents thought I might need glasses because for some reason when my sinuses are bad my eyesight is bad too (maybe from being watery), but come to find out it was just sinus problems from allergies. It lasts about two weeks and then I am fine so I take some pain meds to help with the pain, but otherwise nothing.

This week is a four day week for work with Good Friday this week. H is supposed to get S all day Friday and drop off Saturday night again like two weeks ago so S wakes up with me on Easter Sunday and will sing with the children's choir because otherwise he is clingy to me, and based on our agreement I always have S easter morning because of church. It is funny because it looks like next month H won't have S for a full weekend again so he had him for the more time one month and hasn't since, and of course when he has extra time he doesn't use it on S, instead he is with OW the whole time. So sad, but I will take S. I love spending time with him and last week he told my brother "my mom is awesome!" just out of the blue so that was great.

[awest1217]

Last weekend was fun. It was relaxing...I got a lot of work done...and I looked good on Easter with H going to the Easter service to watch S sing. I always enjoy looking nice to make H remember what he has left.

The only downside was S and H. H was supposed to have S Friday to Saturday then Sunday afternoon. It was a joke. S woke up Friday morning at 6:30am so I told H this to make sure S gets a nap. H doesn't make S take a nap and at 5 pm is calling me because S wants something for dinner and H can't figure out what it is. H tells S while I am on speaker phone if he doesn't eat then they can't play. I immediately go in mom mode and tell H to take me off speaker phone and tell him that all S talks about is playing with H and taking that away from him for not eating is going to be detrimental. H lets me know that when S is with him he doesn't eat at all. Maybe a bite here or there, but that is it because all he wants to do is play, and I let him know that is the reality he has made, but punishing him for not eating is only going to do more harm and he should instead have fun at dinner.

2 hours later H calls again because S has been crying for 40 minutes that he wants to come home. He asks me what he should do. I tell him I don't know because I don't know why S is crying or what happened. H brings S home and S is home for about 40 minutes and H takes him back after I have calmed S down and done all the work. Come to find out S was upset about H and H saying no playing until he eats dinner, like I had thought. He felt H was mad at him.

Saturday I text to check on S, and ask to make sure H was still dropping S off at 8 pm instead of 7pm like normal. H said he wants to drop off at 7 pm because he doesn't feel well and has a migraine...that made me mad because I am S's mom whether I am sick, healthy, happy, sad, mad, etc.

Then Sunday H comes to church and is actually there early. My family and friends said hi to him and was nice which was huge, but part of me really wants H to get put in his place by someone. I know that isn't the right thing to do, but it would be nice. H picks up S at 3 pm and I can tell he still doesn't feel well and right away gets on S for doing something that H was taking the wrong way and then telling S to take his suit off so he could play. I tell H if S wants to wear his suit I don't care, it is just clothes and he never gets really messy so no problem. When H dropped off, he was acting mad and upset. I don't know if it was the migraine or regret. Either way not my problem. I still had fun! Oh and H's family gave S a huge bag full of junk that S doesn't need or will ever use, which to me is stupid. I got S three small things, and my parents got him one toy. H's parents get him 6 or 7 small chincy gifts that he won't ever use and are either clothes that are too big or toys that are too young.

HOnestly though, a really good weekend. I just wish H would decide to either be a parent or not because he says he wants extra time with him and spend like 3 or 4 days with him at a time, but he has only done two nights in a row twice. As always the words don't match the actions. H also probably wanted to have S leave early because OW's birthday is today and so she was probably wanting to spend time with H and well...it was H's weekend with S so she was probably jealous, and soon H will have to decide between OW and S.

[mishka422]

H also probably wanted to have S leave early because OW's birthday is today and so she was probably wanting to spend time with H and well...it was H's weekend with S so she was probably jealous, and soon H will have to decide between OW and S.

There really is no way to know what H wants and assuming things only hurts you.

Yes, indeed, your H is being selfish and the odds are good that you are right. Assuming you are correct though may just lead to hard feelings later.

H spends no time with son because you have made it an option instead of a requirement. You texted him to 'make sure' he was bringing him at 8pm instead of the usual 7pm. Why? He had already agreed to 8pm and you gave him an out.

There are no 'outs' when you are a parent. As you said, you are his mom no matter how sick, tired, sad, angry, etc. you may be. The same thing goes for H. When it is him time to be a parent then you give him that time. Don't interfere in it. When S is having a meltdown with him because he wants to come home, then H has to figure out how to deal with it. He doesn't get to come have you parent S because he doesn't know how. He has to figure it out the same way we all do. Stop being his 'go to' girl!!!!

So, in short, STOP BEING AVAILABLE TO BAIL OUT H WHEN HE DOESN'T WANT TO TAKE THE EFFORT TO BE A PARENT!

I'm not chastising, trust me, I did the same thing until I realized that xh was pushing everything back on me because it inconvenienced him in his 'happy new life with ow' to have our son and have to actually discipline.

The key to this....be kind to yourself. Your time is strictly yours. You are not 'saving' your son by 'rescuing' him from his dad. You ar enabling your H and teaching your son that no one can comfort him but you.

[awest1217]

Mishka I understand where this is coming from. My brother and sister-in-law keep saying the same thing. The conversation about coming home early wasn't me giving him a choice I asked when is S coming home? (because when we change things H will many times forget) and that is when he said can I instead do 7 because of a migraine.

With S coming home, I didn't want him to come home, but I gave H the choice of what to do instead of me saying he can't come home. I understand and know I should be harder, but he puts S on the phone to talk to me instead of him talking to me without S knowing. I don't want to be the bad guy saying you have to stay. I remember when H left we went through probably 9 months to a year of S crying for H at times and me trying to talk to H and ask him to come over just to say hi or take S to spend time with him because S was crying for him (S couldn't talk to H like he does now), and H wouldn't answer or say no and I saw how hurt S was. I don't want S to feel I have abandoned him too. I know I have to get over it, and I am working on it slowly, but for 18 months I was all S had and I don't want him to feel that when he really wants me or needs me that I say no you have to stay with daddy.

I still understand and will work on it because H is getting credit for the extra nights and can't just shrug off everything on me because we are joint at least legally.