25 yrs I think I may have used some of the wrong words in the last response. By teasing I meant doing things such as goofily pointing out when she says something silly. So that we can both laugh about it. Which we have been doing to good results. I would never "make fun of" my wife. I meant teasing like in the way that a young couple flirts. Did not mean to make that confusing. It is not meant to teach a lesson. I am not vindictive honest!
By showing her that I am mad about something, I did not mean anger at all. I seriously think anger is below me, and not the appropriate response to my W. I have been known to raise my voice, but it is always in response to her raising hers, and she usually calls me out on it, and I try to tone it down. I do not let anger color our arguments. I learned that does not work. The other thing is I don't hold grudges past a day. It's just not me I know it is very counterproductive. So yes I meant demand respect.
As for my W behavior yes it is extreme, yes it hurts, but as said before these are during heavy episodes. These are not things she casually throws at me, or in most cases has even said more than once. I have learned to keep my cool when she goes into extreme anger, and to let her let it out. Afterwards if necessary we can talk about it. Most importantly I have learned not to let it get to me. Trust me there was a period, where these things did get to me, but I have learned to weather through them and give her the time and space to consider the things she has said. Most importantly I have learned through other resources that when she gets like this it is not her talking but her frustrations. It is not an excuse, but it sure helps me understand her, and know where she is coming from.
I have read both DB and DR, and have been meaning to get 5LL. Really want to read that one, but I do know this. For my wife words don't mean as much as actions do. She communicates more through actions she may have a hard time communicating how she really feels verbally, but she shows it to me every day by the way she acts. Additionally by detaching when I feel upset, it is not me throwing a tantrum, but non-verbally letting her know that I did not like that comment. I have noticed that this works better than "talking about it" Yes using the word anger was wrong when all I meant to say was that I now detach to show that I am not in a good mood.
Finally I must stress that by venting my frustrations on my logs, I did not mean to make her sound like the evil person that she is coming out to be. My W is a wonderful person who shows it to me on a daily basis otherwise I would not be pouring this much effort and energy into our M. I am not making excuses, but I see her behaviors as yet another manifestation of WAW. I truly believe the saying that is thrown around here "don't believe anything they say, and only 50% of what they do" I know it holds true, she may have said some very ugly things but I know she does not mean them. She herself has realized this too after calming down.
I realize that this post must sound very defensive, and I fully take responsibility where I have failed as a husband. As stated before self respect is something that I slowly let slide until it has become an issue. I am working on that, but by far I am not an abusive husband. Please don't infer from the earlier post that I am. As for my W she herself is going through her own issues she must deal with, we are both trying our best. I realize we are definitely far from the piecing stage, but I can tell from our day to day interactions that she cares, even if she has an occasional relapse.
Please do not misjudge the sitch it is far from being perfect, or even normal, but we are in a good place and make progress on a daily basis.
