Journal entry: So much has happened it is time for an entry. Ok so the anniversary went so-so at best. Friday afterwards wasn't too bad actually. We went to dinner rented 2 movies, had fun at home. It was pretty uneventful in a good way. We had fun together we tickled each other, and did such things. Over all good.
Saturday was a little more crazy. Woke up showered did what I had to do, got ready to go to a tournament (part of my GAL) I mentioned this to her, she seemed surprised that I was going, and not spending the day with her. (The next day she was leaving for about 5 days to go see her favorite band) I explained that I wanted to go and that we could do something after I got back. I mentioned that I really would have liked to go with her on the trip, and that it [censored] that I couldn't get off work. She mentioned that maybe I could make it to the second half of the trip since I could get half of Wed to the rest of the week off. I got excited in meeting her halfway so I started looking up tickets. It seemed we were both excited. She then mentioned that if I went she didn't want to go to the show together and that we could go separately. She just didn't think I knew how to behave properly. (She thinks I'm too square or something). OUCH that seriously hurt, and killed all motivation for going. I told her I had changed my mind and thought the tickets were too much. I left the room. As I left she could tell that I was not happy, since she asked if everything was ok. I tried playing it off, but I think we both knew that I was not happy with that comment. I started getting ready to go to my tournament, when she once again asked surprised that I was going and didn't want to spend the last day with her. At this point I asked her: Do YOU want to spend time with me. She could only reply no, that's ok go play. (I could tell she didn't want me to go) I asked her if she was sure a couple of times, the best I got was "maybe" but mostly "its ok go". An hour later right before I left I told her. "Ok look you are leaving for almost a week, I want to spend time with you, do YOU want to spend time with me?" she then said: "I guess" I asked yes or no? She replied "I guess I do want to spend time with you before I go" I took that answer and we went to run some errands followed by dinner and video games. I got a little tipsy at dinner (very unlike me, must have been dehydrated) She doesn't like this, but then again I don't particularly like it either so it's no problem, and she didn't truly get mad, just let me know she disaproved of it. Not a heavy drinker so to me that was a valid concern. The whole day though I made sure that she knew I was not happy. After dinner I told her I am sorry if I seemed moody all day but your comment really struck a nerve. She apologized but then tried to explain her position which to me made things worse. Held my temper, just told her I didn't like that and detached. She could tell most of the night as she kept trying to cheer me up with funny things and by being in a good mood. Which indeed usually does work. Not this time she really did hurt me. At another point she asked if I was ok. To which I asked why couldn't you admit you wanted to be with me. She then replied you know it is hard for me to admit these things. Which is true.... I validated, tried to move on but I was still hurt and it showed. She later called me into the room with a random excuse, but it was really to give me a great big hug. (The first she had initiated since she dropped the D word.) I have to admit it was very nice. I also realized the significance of that hug. She has a hard time expressing things, but will often do things to show me her love. I decided to put it past me. A few minutes later I decided to let her know that I wanted to drop her off, rather than let her drive an hour and a half to the airport by herself, and that I was willing to go pick her up. She seemed to like this. She did some more packing we stayed up playing video games, then we went to bed. The next morning (today) we got ready got in the car, when I noticed she was wearing her wedding ring to the trip. (She hadn't worn it in almost two months.) I tried to pretend I didn't notice, but then she said "I noticed you had a goofy grin when you saw my left hand, I wore it so there was no confusion at the airport" I said "oh sure", then changed the conversation. (Funny how she had to qualify that). The ride was unremarkable, just pretty good. Once we got there she checked in, and made a comment about how I had 30 mins left with her. I nodded and smiled. Once she had to go to TSA she asked me to hold her bag while she got her ticket. I noticed she got real close, and there was also a couple next to us hugging and kissing good bye. I really wanted a hug, but held back out of fear that she would not want it. Good thing is that after a few seconds of awkwardness because she had gotten close and was saying good bye, she hugged me. It was very nice.... I want to credit the 180's mentioned early for it. Drove home, since then she has texted me throughout the day to let me know of her progress. Going semi dark, by only waiting for her to initiate.
