WAW, and a bisexual open marriage

[25yearsmlc]

GB,

I agree with most of what you wrote except for #3. Teasing her in a way you do NOT want to be teased is just unfair, and models behavior you DO NOT want in your R. Instead, I'd model positives and show that humor is not actually witty, if it always comes at someone else's expense. It's just hurtful and my h and I noticed a few decades ago, that couples who mock each other while "teasing" are usually hurting each other. They are showing contempt under the guise of humor and they don't last as couples. I write comedy as an avocation and I support the use of humor and exaggeration to diffuse awkward situations or to illustrate a point.

But I think your R sounds really toxic at this point, so I'd really avoid doing anything as hypocritical as demanding respect and not showing self deprecation WHILE teasing her to "turn the tables". I know you want to teach her something, but here's the kicker, it's not our job to teach our spouses. It's life's job and God's. That's why I don't support those who want to teach their spouse "a lesson" b/c in reality, it's almost always a form of punishment or revenge.
Compliment her, sincerely. Also I suggest reading Chapmans' book "The Five Love Languages" so you can relate to her in a way she'll be most receptive to AND you can express your own love language so she knows what YOU respond most to. Don't assume she knows, neither one of you is a mind reader.

Also, I am not clear on what you meant when you said you want to show your anger more? I think you mean you won't accept poor treatment from her, which I get, but if you are saying that showing anger somehow makes you get respect, I'd have to strongly disagree.

My DB coach was adamant that I not show my h my anger when he visited, b/c why would he want to be around that? He knew I was hurt, I didn't need to demonstrate it repeatedly. Bottom line is, am I attracting him to me and home with my anger (even if I'm "right" to be angry) or am I pushing him away? Remember, do what works. I had to contrast what he thought he'd find "out there" with what really existed at home. Warm sunny & happy at home...cold dark weird up on the tundra...make sense?

Note what I wrote in the original post to you about how strong it comes across to be calm & cool. To me, when there's a crisis or chaos all around, the calm & cool man, is THE MAN. (Like in combat, you aren't freaking out. You're focussed). That's badass to me and it's attractive. Anger is not attractive. A man who loses his cool or storms off is having a tantrum in effect. He's stomping his feet b/c he didn't get his way, or he's trying to physically intimidate a smaller person.

I guess if she starts ranting like she's batchit crazy again, I would warn her ONCE that you won't accept that type of treatment and then if it continues you tell her you'll talk to her when she is ready to talk calmly, about whatever it is that bothers her. And you then walk out of the room. Once you two address the matter, no more silent treatment. So if she approaches and apologizes and you accept her apology, you drop it. You don't throw it in her face a week later. No score cards or built up grievance lists.

A lot of the interactions you describe sound punitive, on both your ends, and it's what you both do when you are hurt. THat's not healty (or mature, which is why I asked those questions about other prior R's in your life). But I'm glad to hear you two have other things in common.

If that's true, then those types of good memories will resurface in her and she'll have some perspective. Right now it just sounds a lot like you are trying to please someone who is inherently deeply unhappy within. It's not your job and it's not healthy for HER to lay the responsibility for HER happiness on YOU. We are each responsible only for our own happiness. Process that. We only control ourselves, and no one else is going to make YOUR happiness their priority. What healthy thing does she do to make herself happy?

Telling you that she finds you boring (God, another nearly unforgivable comment!) is just another way of saying she's miserable and doesn't know how to be happy (hello? Depression??) But what's worse is she's holding YOU responsible for her own health and happiness. You cannot enable that.

I think you've got some good ideas to work with. Seriously consider a DB coach. Have you read the books? I'm telling you their coaches are spot on and specific in their advice.

Good luck




Otherwise your list is a great start.