Recovering after a same sex affair - Part 4

[sparks14]

Sorry for not posting more. I just have not really been up to it and needed a little break.

Last couples therapy was a continued discussion from the previous two. I am not sure why I chose not to journal it. I started off by reading something that I had prepared. I pretty much told her what I had been feeling here. How it was tough to be presented with the faults in our M, not really understanding that they existed until now, and then being told that it may be too late. I did accept my responsibility in the matter for not picking up that our M was in trouble. I also accepted my faults in not doing everything I could to keep our M strong.

"What is in the past cannot be changed. I can, however, learn from these experiences. I am at fault for not nourishing my M with W. I thought that my love for W was unconditional and always present. I foolishly thought that was all that was needed to keep us going. I now understand that love is not a wispy feeling. Love is an action. Love is a movement. I failed in not understanding W better. Not taking the time to show her love on her terms, rather than what I thought showed love. That's my fault."

All together, I think the session was positive. She is not in a place where she is ready to reconcile, but I do think we are opening up more about our M.

The rest of the week went alright. Nothing too eventful.

Her parents came to town on Friday. W did not have work on Friday, since school was out. She got to spend most of her day with her Mom. She brought our S over after 5:00. Friday was very positive. Instead of being short and bitter to me, she actually came in and sat down. We had some great small talk and the general attitude was great. I mentioned a wedding of a friend that I had to RSVP for. I told her that I was planning on going but wanted to know if W would like to go as well. I told her no pressure either way. W actually asked me if she could get back to me the next day. She wanted to think about. This was a surprise to me. If the same question was presented last month, I think I would have gotten a quick no. She ended up sticking around for about 30 minutes. It felt really good.

She came by on Saturday afternoon to pick S up. Since her parents were in town, we worked out our schedule with S so that her parents would get to spend some good time with him. She stuck around for a little bit this time, too. Same positive feelings. Lots of smiling. Hard to explain but got a good feeling from her this weekend.

Her parents had gotten a room at a nice resort hotel in town for the weekend. W was taking S over there to go swimming for the first time and just hang out at the hotel.

This is where is really started feeling emotional this weekend. I really started to miss my W and how much I wanted her back in my life. I also felt really down that I would not be able to share the experience of my son's first swim. Just the thought that if this separation were to be permanent, there would be many more experiences that I would not be sharing concerning my S. There would also be many that my W would not get to experience.

It all goes back to MWD's feelings about divorce when children are involved. You should leave no stone unturned. I am not. I can only wish that my W would feel the same. Really ripping me up inside.

I went to church this morning with my brother's family and his in laws. They were also in town for the weekend. It was really nice to spend time with them, but I kept thinking about my W. It didn't help on the way home that one of our love songs came on the radio. Just what I needed to make the tears pour.

W brought S back to the house this afternoon. I was looking good in my Easter Sunday best. She pulled up wearing my favorite dress of hers (one that she is wearing in my favorite framed honeymoon photo on my desk). We each mentioned how nice the other looked. W spent a little time at the house again. We both played with our S together. It was really nice. I mention the wedding again. She apologized for not letting me know the day before, but she thought it over and decided that it would be best not to go. She said that a bunch of my friends would be there, so she would feel a little awkward. She said that if it were more her friends, she would not feel as weird. (I didn't really understand this, as none of my friends that will be there have any clue that W and I are having problems.) I told her that it was not a problem, and I would RSVP for myself. I stayed upbeat and expressed that there was no pressure, but I was disappointed.

So, this ended up being a longer entry than I intended. After this weekend, I am feeling pretty emotional concerning my W and S. I think I have done a pretty good job with the emotional detachment, but I find myself backsliding in that department. I need to get back on course. I started re-reading DR. I think it will be good to go over after a few months of practicing its principles.