25years Ouch!! and I say ouch because you hit so many things on the mark. I guess I better start addressing why I have stuck around all these years. Our relationship did not start like this, it was a steady gradual progression into what I am seeing now. We have always had (and continue to have) a lot of fun together. She is actually a very loving and caring person, she is very good at reading me and will always go the extra mile to make me feel better. Sex has been very important but our relationship is so much more. We make each other smile on a daily basis, and enjoy going out together, watching movies, or just playing video games together. Sometimes it is easy to only post bad stuff while venting That being said yes you are right, where is my self respect? I have attributed a lot of these behaviors to depression especially since the most egregious ones happen in episodes. Yet as you have said I do feel like there is a general lack of respect on her part. I started noticing these when hope made a very similar comment. A lot of my initial DB attempts focused around fixing the things she found extremely annoying about my personality. While they did work in that I have learned to avoid a lot of the land mines, like you have said they haven't fixed some of the fundamental issues. So a few days ago I had to make some tweeks. Many which are already working. Here is my revised 180 list:
1. No more self depricating humor. Yeah no more making fun of myself for a smile. It's small but I feel it has contributed to it.
2. No more letting her insult me in jokes. Once again respect.
3. Turn the tables, and gently poke fun at her. I stopped doing that a long time ago, because I was afraid of her reaction. I am not cruel whatsoever, but gently poke we actually both laugh which is good, but it shows that she can be laughed at too.
4. Don't let her belittle my work. She used to think I had the most badass job in the world. I told her while I was gone that my job wasn't so dangerous to help her feel better. She somehow got the impression I was no longer a badass. I now correct those on the spot. In order for her to respect what I do she needs to know the truth.
5. I also let her know when I find something disrespectful, I tell her it bothers me and tell her why it is not true.
6. Most importantly I get mad. I used to just let things slide for the sake of the marriage, now I let her know of my displeasure. I don't try to get overboard, but generally cut my amount of interaction so that she realizes that I am not in the best of moods. It causes more ripples that I would like, but on the other hand I have been getting apologies lately which are really nice.
It has been a weird balance between demanding respect, yet being a loving husband. I realize that being too extreme or not enough in either direction will most likely make things worse.
I realize that these 180's don't address the big elephant in the room. What I do hope they will do is set the stage to eventually address the issue. I am treating her actions as if she had an OM or OW and realize that until certain preconditions are met (such as her respecting me and truly valuing me) demanding for her to stop would only drive her further into it. So I am making myself more valuable, by becoming a better person and my affection being more scarce. The next journal entry actually addresses this.
That being said yes you are right, where is my self respect? I have attributed a lot of these behaviors to depression especially since the most egregious ones happen in episodes. Yet as you have said I do feel like there is a general lack of respect on her part. I started noticing these when hope made a very similar comment. A lot of my initial DB attempts focused around fixing the things she found extremely annoying about my personality. While they did work in that I have learned to avoid a lot of the land mines, like you have said they haven't fixed some of the fundamental issues. So a few days ago I had to make some tweeks. Many which are already working. Here is my revised 180 list:
