WAW, and a bisexual open marriage

[25yearsmlc]

gb,
First, as a female veteran married to a soldier, let me say "thank you" for your service.

Second, wow, you have your hands full. Your w is deeply confused in some pretty major ways. She also sounds clinically depressed and not willing to get help. And she's treating you really badly. That's my take on your sitch. It's a tough one.

I don't see the DBing in your behavior. Some 180s that are good as far as helping around the house, but the rest of this obsessive micro scoping and excessive/constant monitoring of results after what, 3 hours? And the questions about what she meant/thought/felt, and then

her bludgeoning you with how UNattracted she is to you, unless she's half drunk--is toxic. That was a terrible thing she told you. She's gotten away with a lot of bad behavior, and your plan seems to be wait & see if it gets better. It won't. Most people who are in pain or selfish, (and she's both) will treat you as badly as you'll allow. They will not spontaneously decide to improve and become more selfless due to some discovered motivation. You have given her no motive to change the way she treats you, b/c you've accepted some pretty outrageous behaviors.

I say enough of this crazy setting you up for failure. Why on earth would you allow yourself to be signed up for sex with others when you don't want that? (For the record, I don't know of any people with long term marriages that were "open" and worked. At least all the ones I know who tried it all ended up divorced.)
No more mind reading. If she can't plainly ask for what she wants, don't bother guessing and don't accept blame for not being a mind reader. She's an adult woman who is behaving like a spoiled child (with some weird habits) and you should not put up with that. Did you date much before you met her? What were those relationships like? Were you ever in love before?

Your present relationship sounds like its' primary focus is a sexual one, correct? Has that really satisfied you internally, spiritually and socially & professionally? Do you two have anything else in common? Esp since your sex life is not going so well, what else do you two have going for you as a couple? I mean if it is sex that bonds you and there are a ton of "conditions" she applies to sex now, to avoid it, so that your sexual needs are tossed aside, i hope there's something else.

I cannot believe she rated you after a ML session. Please, take it from me, a woman who likes it, you should not ask for her feedback. She'll give you feedback in a loving way, or you won't want it. Same goes for ML for that matter. This slap in your face about needing to be drunk to find you attractive is so uncalled for and almost unforgivable. It would take a lot for me to ever want to touch someone again, who said that to me. Sorry but I have to ask where your self respect is?

Before I forget, What's with her obsession about her body? Did you contribute to it? Is she fat? The 300 calories for your anniversary dinner sounds...well, crazy. Like batchit crazy.

She called you a "doormat" to your face. That's a pretty big clue that your approach isn't working, GB.

I'm not into yelling to show your strength. On the contrary, a calm control is a sign of strength. But her yelling or complaining about how you drive a shopping cart (aren't you at least tempted to laugh out loud at the insanity of her criticisms? I mean, they're outrageous) is just unreal...

But You can model self control and calmness without being a doormat. The way you describe her is like she's a lunatic tyrant. I'd have to address that unacceptable behavior to stay married. I would not want to live in fear of what will set off the crazy person next.

She's NOT WELL. I don't know if all her problems are sexual in nature but that's a unique aspect to marriage. It's a need that can usually only be met inside a marriage.

Yes I get how horrible it is to marry a guy in the military when your libido is super high, then he leaves you and now you're a forced celibate.

But she took the vows knowing you were active duty. And you're paying all the bills...and she's doing what? She is bringing what to the table? As a partner?

I don't buy the "figure out your orientation" argument that allows her to explore while married. Regardless of whether a person is hetero or bisexual, we agree when we make a vow forsaking all others, it means "all" others.
Why give a pass for an affair, to someone b/c they feel confused? So what, you're still married.

Sorry but I don't get what you are trying to accomplish with all this lousy treatment you are accepting. And, Are you really the boring one? Really? (Geez, Maybe you are affected by the messed up depressed partner you chose...ya think?) That's another kind remark from your life partner. GB, did you date much? Enough to know that other people are not like this??

Why are YOU responsible for making her life interesting? Are you the hired entertainment? Who said it's your job to keep her happy and occupied and excited all the time and if she's not, then BOOM! She gets a divorce....OMG...
I could not live with that level of extortion and tyranny. If she's bored, it her that is boring, not you.

She can go to college, at least the online schools, AND OR she could work too. I did both, like most women AND I had kids. Geez, Without kids and without a job I bet she does feel purposeless and bored. No wonder she's using all her free time (and she has a ton of it) to stare at her navel, and wonder what else she might to do make HER feel exciting...why not drugs? Hmm, bet that's crossed her mind.

She needs help. I can't see a way for you to feel good about this relationship without her making serious changes, which she seems uninterested in doing.

What would happen if she saw other women noticing you? I am not suggesting cheating or any games, but I KNOW if she continues to see you as a doormat, it's not a hopeful situation. It's a demeaning one in which neither of you will get satisfaction and no, I'm not just talking about sex.

May I suggest you hire a DB coach and get 3 sessions in? I know they're pricey but it's the single best thing I did. Plus, I don't have a lot to suggest to you otherwise, b/c this is one of the most outrageous behaviors I've read about here, and that is saying a lot.

I can only urge you to get your self confidence and self respect back and to walk out when she teats you badly or yells. And to let her go file or leave or live on the streets, or whatever else she threatens you with, when she doesn't get her way. Enough with the extortionary tactics. What kind of relationship is like this? (btw, I am glad she doesn't want kids.)

You deserve better.