Status of EA

[25yearsmlc]

Punchy,

I've read two threads of yours and am so impressed with your efforts, and the efforts of so many men here, (and over so many months!) Good for you.

My h left for Alaska and was gone 2 years...it's crucial to have a realistic time frame. I think you do. (I am amazed at people who expect changes to new behavior after a week. Not gonna happen)
You'll be a better man no matter what. Maybe those changes will benefit a future woman, which would be your w's loss. But as a wife, I know it would bother me to know my h was finally all I wanted him to become, only to give that to a new woman. It'd be like I got the "practice h" and not the finished product or real h.

Anyway, Long ago I had what I guess was an EA. It almost morphed into a PA but for the sake of time here, let me just say it didn't progress-mainly b/c I woke up, (without help from h). But here's what I wanted you to know.

While I was in the EA, I felt almost totally justified. Even now I find myself with mixed emotions. On one hand I see how crazy I was (what the heck was I thinking?? I hardly knew the OM & we had very little in common. Plus, by the way, we were talking about adultery...OMG! What happened to MY values??).

OTOH, My h was doing his internship when we had 2 little ones and I worked full time, during a war and we were both military. He was gone way too much, and was way too tired and grumpy when he was home. He fell asleep on the floor within minutes of arriving, lost his temper a lot, he was NOT kind or loving and this was not a few weeks of behavior I'm discussing. So yeah, when OM gave me attention and focus at this exact time in my life, it actually seemed like a gift from above!! (ironic, I know). I felt that H pushed me into the arms of OM. He had hurt me deeply over time, and I saw myself as a truly neglected w. While I believe that was accurate, I can say it now without bitterness. It was what it was. My reaction wasn't right. But yeah, h neglected me and the kids for a few years there. It was horribly tough. While a woman is in an EA (and PAs are EAs as well b/c we don't do Physical well without emotional connections) she not likely to feel as if there was no reason. The women I know who had affairs ALL felt justified. (All of them!)

Anyhow, I never told h of this b/c I worked it out on my own, with help from good friends and a minister and shrink. Per their advice, this was something h would not benefit from knowing.

But if my h had found out and tried to guilt me, back then, I would have probably gone full blown with OM. Why? B/C I would want to be "right". I resented how h was treating me and yes, it WAS a symptom of an unfulfilled wife that I'd even think of an A. If he'd gone public in an attempt to humilate me (vindictiveness is NOT attractive) I probably would have filed for divorce. I know i'd have resented it a lot.
But my guess is I would have felt cornered and would have defended my choices and maybe in order to "prove" the validity of my choices, I'd have gone ahead full steam.

Guilt? I had it and it motivated me but it was privately dealt with. Don't underestimate the possibility your w has guilt. She may handle it differently and resent it, (often the one who makes you feel guilt is the target of anger). But she has to have felt it, at least as a mother.

I know how unfair my potential reaction may sound. I am saying that at that time, in the EA, that's how I believe I would have reacted if confronted or condemned by the person who had hurt me so much, and in my mind THEN, was the person truly responsible for the EA.

So why didn't I go for it with OM??

Aside from my self image as a moral person (and how incompatible an affair would be with that image) The single image that most kept me married was the one of my kids and h crying if I said I was leaving the M for OM. That killed me. And imo, no mother is unmoved by the loving interaction of her children, with their father. It's absolutely a turn on. So even though a ton of people have posted to you about what to do,[b] I merely wish to remind you that being the best father you can be, is of paramount importance and is NOT unnoticed by your w. .
[/b]
I suspect your w has seen the effort you have made, and is appreciative. But that doesn't mean you should go on as roomates indefinitely. I can't say what to do about that, but I recognize her original complaints.

If she believes your changes are real, and not merely tactics to get her back, and she sees the loving r's you have with the children, if it were me, I'd want to work on the M. The contact with the OM is debatable from my standpoint. Yes he should go, but there's the upside which is that the more she gets to know him in real life, the more she'll realize he's not as perfect as he may seem to be. He has flaws, not all of them are yours. You won't lose in all the comparisons. I wonder, If the average full time affair takes 6 months, then does a part time one take longer to fizzle out??

Side issue- I wonder what your w would think if she saw the benefits of your changes & the new you, given to some OW...or at least that you'd consider dating sometime soon.

Childish as it may seem, I think the realization that OPs find our spouses desirable wakes us up, validates our choices and helps the M.

My former BIL left my sister after 3 kids and 22 years. In their m, my sister was the giver and he was the taker. It took 2 years after their divorce for my ex bil to wake up. Why did he? Well she remarried a man who really gets her. Her ex h came to her a month before her new marriage and confessed how badly he had screwed up and that he "got it". I believe him and she and I both feel sorrow for him.

But she had come to see what a healthy R was, & she simply could not go back to the prior M she'd had with her ex h. He lost her forever, but he really did her a favor. Honestly, as hard as the div was on their children, once it was over there was no gain to be had by going backwards. And I truly believe My former bil would never have awakened without my sister remarrying. She IS happier today. Former BIl, not so much...but please note, our success as LBSers, is not measured by the misery of our ex spouses, but by our own happiness and growth as people.

The fact that none of your friends know of the problems means she has avoided hearing what other women think of you or a mother leaving her marriage. That won't go over well. (Are others noticing your changes or was your temper a private matter?) I'm asking to see if it's possible that other women would say positive things about you. Does her family know anything? Interesting that her father is having a hard time with her for 10 days. I bet she misses you. I know my sister said at the time, "this hard work of h's won't last forever" and that although times were tough, which they were, h and I were a good match. (She was right.)

So Remember the big picture here/long haul. That includes Your d's first date, her prom, her wedding, you being present for all these events, and dancing with her at her wedding after you walk her down the aisle, etc. Visualize in detail, that Picture, with your wife at your side, and then picture that without your w, BUT WITH YOU HAPPY IN EITHER SCENARIO...and go from there. Hope this helps.
Good luck,
j