I have been digesting what everyone has had to say and thank everybody for their thoughts and insights.
One thing that I've been thinking about in particular is a comment that Brooklyn made. She said to make sure I'm not cutting off my nose to spite my face.
I'm in a dilemma here. Our income tax refund came back just before H took off for vacation. He used his half to go on vacation. I've used my half to pay the taxes on my home and for my lawyer. It's gone.
When I said that I live from paycheck to paycheck, that's what I mean. I have no savings and I buy very little extra. Now, please believe me that I know that I have it far better than a lot of folks here. That paying everything was a choice I made. I admit at first it was to show H and myself that I could do it. I've proved that.
H paying the utilities the last two months has helped out a lot. I'm on a two week break where I'll get no paycheck, and in two months I'll be on summer vacation with no paycheck. Yes, I know that I could try to get another job, but my L said that it will interfere with spousal support amount. If I forgo spousal support, I will have to keep two jobs until I retire, the one who will suffer the most if I do that would be D12. (Good paying jobs are in short supply.)
I'm just so confused as to what I should do. It's not like I made the decision on my own to forgo a more lucrative career and raise the children. It was a joint decision by H and myself.
Do I swallow my pride and accept his offer of help and still go after my full share in what truly is H's, D?
How do you stop caring about what the MLCer says or thinks about you? I know that if I accept his offer of help and still go after what I will be awarded in the divorce I will be demonized all the more by him. Does it really matter, as I will be anyway?
I do not trust any of H's motives in anything he does. I do question why he is paying them now? He hasn't worried about it in 15 months. It is, however, confusing that he's doing this after a couple emails that proves he's still angry and blaming me for all of this.
Do judges take this stuff into consideration when they rule for a D? My L gave me the impression that what I would receive was pretty cut and dried based on earnings of H and I.
All this really blows and I truly wished he'd just left things as they were until the D was final. I do know that it is I, that is letting this make me spin a bit. I am working at seeing myself clear of that.
I would welcome, as always, anyone's advice, opinions, or 2 x 4s, as I'm struggling with this. Thanks.
Do not let him off the hook from his finanical resposibility. That is enabling.
Listen to your lawyer and get what is rightfully yours. 50/50 in your state. No more no less. It more than likely is pretty cut and dried in your sich.
Do not worry about your husband. He will have to put on his big boy pants and figure out what he must do. He may spew, he may not, who knows. He is still out there in another world and he may never come back to this one. Then again you can never tell. You must keep living your life "as if" he is not coming back. I think it still applies even now.
Did I get all the questions? If not you know where to find me.....
I agree. Do not let him off the hook for fear of what he might think about you. I'm catching that from my stbxh now. Whining.
Never believe for a moment that you are taking anything from him. You earned it and more. Think of your D, and what the difference it will make in her life. H's tend to forget the sacrifices you made for them and your family when they are in tantrum mode.
Why should you work two jobs to break even while he takes vacations. Poor, poor pitiful me is a song sang too often by our WAS. Don't buy it for a minute.
SA, Cadet's posting is spot on. Listen to your lawyer and do not short change yourself.
You h is living in la la land and it will not break him to assist with the utilities. If he offers to pay them, LET HIM!
Your h is the one that walked out the door and he will need to learn to be a man and accept his responsibilities, yep, even the the ones he left behind. Reality will soon set in, so get those papers completed and go for what is rightfully yours. Do not short change yourself as you will not have enoug to live on if you do.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You are right. I will go forward and take what my state allows me in the D. I will also let H continue to pay the utilities as long as he's willing...I cannot deny that it helps and gives me a little breathing room.
I thought I would give an example of how much the MLCer changes. My H was always a man's man. Head of household, financial provider. Maker of decisions on how the money would be spent, etc.
My D12 who is currently on vacation with H, ow, and family, called me this morning. She told me some of the things she had been doing. She told me she had been shopping yesterday with H and ow. H and D12 were in one section of the store and ow in another. D12 spotted a sweater that she loved with the name of the area that they are visiting. H picked it up for her. They were walking around looking at other things when ow joined them. ow spotted the sweater, took one look at the price tag ($40) and demanded that H put it back because it was too expensive. H puts it back. When ow goes over to look at wind chimes which she collects, H goes back, gets the sweater, pays for it and tell my D12 to run it out to the truck and hide it so ow doesn't see it.
That, ladies and gentlemen, is NOT the man I married.
I've come seeking you out to say Happy Easter. I see you've been following along by your responses on some threads, including mine, but just checking to see how Seeking is doing?
Hey Punkin! I'm doing good, thanks for checking in on me.
D told me her trip wasn't as much fun as she thought it would be. She told me that she didn't like the ow, and the ow despises her.
She did get to spend a lot of one on one time with her Dad and I was glad because she desperately needed that. Ow, however seemed to have a bit of a trouble with it. Ow had no problem with letting D know that it was not her idea that she should be included on vacation with them.
So, you wise folks were right, and my fears that D would replace me with ow as well, were unfounded. I do know that those fears were irrational and I did beat them down as best I could, but they were there at the back of my mind.
Thank you all for being there for me and for your words of comfort and wisdom as another hurdle in this journey has been navigated through. I truly appreciate it.
That was rotten and your D should not have had to be subjected to it. I hope that you had a wonderful Easter and that your daughter let that mess roll off of her back. You will have to give her some tools to deal with OW in your absence. Not to be disrespectful but to allow her to not feel belittled.
