Did not think I would be posting any updates in awhile but I guess there is something worth posting. She called tonight I answered
W: Hi.
M: Hello
W: First Happy Easter
M: Thank you same to you
W: Second I hear through the grapevine that D is not allowed to speak my name in the house. If it is none of my business then just tell me but I wanted to know if that was true.
M: Who told you that?
W: The who is not important. If it is none of my business then just say so I was just wondering.
M: No D is careful around me because she thinks that speaking your name hurts me or that I get sad but I have assured her that it does not. Today for example I took her to get her new glasses on the way there she talked about you but almost stopped because she felt I would be sad. I told her it was ok.
W: Oh ok you know that would break my heart. I thought maybe your mom or somebody would have told her that.
M: No noone has said that.
W: Well when she was at the Bday party she told friend that
M: Well it goes to show why I don't talk to that friend anymore
W: Well it's over. Did you get her an easter basket.
M: No not yet
W: She needs to have an easter basket for Sunday. Don't buy a premaid one built one from scratch and make sure you color eggs
M: I don't know how to color eggs
She went on to explain how to color eggs and what I should put in the basket. I listened.
Then I put my foot in my mouth
M: This whole time I thought you were calling to tell me how well your call went with Jody LOL
W: Oh hahaha I am going to call. I said I would and I will. I promise
M: I know you are
W: I haven't but I will. And I have not bought the book either I was waiting to get some gas money when I got paid to drive over to the book store and buy it.
M: Yeah I joked with a buddy of mine and told him the money I left you bought you some lunch
W: It did actually LOL but I promised I would read the book and I intent to.
M: Whether you read it or not is totally up to you, it is more for your benefit than mine.
W: Well I am. Just have to get the money you know I am broke. You know all that credit card debt
M: yeah I know I have my debt you have your debt I have the 15K loan remember. You have the same so we are about even in that
W: Even? I can't believe you think that is even.
M: It is even.
W: No it's not. You would not have that IRS debt if you would have listen to me before and I would not have this credit card debt if you have listen to me before
M: Yeah well if you recall I took the 15 IRS off your hands and if you recall most of the credit cards were paid off before you left. You chose the to get a 2K loan for the D and charge up the credit cards to leave. So that is debt you have aquired to leave me except the big one which we would have paid off in a few years.
W: Yeah well I did what I had to do i don't want your money I could have asked for alimony or for you to take half the credit card debt and I didn't
M: Actually sweet heart no you couldn't. I did some checking when you mentioned alimony back in Jan and then I would have gotten an attorney and you had your attorney and we could have gone a totally different route but we kept it clean and nice. If you would have asked for alimony this conversation would be totally different right now.
W: I am not going down this road with you
M: not interested at all in going down this road just stating the facts.
By this point the conversation was going south but we kept it heading in that direction
W: Do you think I sit around and sit here and think about what a horrible person you are. you are not a horrible person you are a great person but we stopped being nice to each other. I think about what I have done also it was not just you. I think about the good times also but thinking about that also makes me sad.
M: I know you don't sit around and think about how bad I was
W: I don't I am tired of talking about this, this is not what I wanted to talk about. You think that you keep saying the same thing and some how I am going to change my mind. With all your self help books and Jody and your support group but my mind does not work that way. We were broken and when i left I did everything i could to save it and you did not join me. I was doing it all by myself.
M: You were not doing it all on your own. I was fighting also or do you think I was sitting there thinking life was peachy and fun while you were dying inside. I was angry I was irritated I did not see another way out also but the D or the separation ever cross my mind. I was committed to making it work one way or another.
W: Oh yeah you decided to fight for your M 5 months after I left that is helpful.
M: BS I fought when you were here I fought when you left and I fought even after you left.
W: Fight? What did you do to fight? I was hitting my head against a wall and you were not doing anything. You went to counseling and you were not even there
M: Wait a sec first I liked the first counselor. You chose to stop going to him not me.
W: Cause you were not even there mentaly
M: Because you did not like what he had to say
M: No I was there and I wanted it. The second counselor was a waste of time. First we went once and second the lady was more interested in who was calling her during the session than what we were doing.
W: You wanted the counselors tell me something was wrong with me. That is what you wanted.
M: No its not. There is nothing wrong with you.
W: So what did you do to fix it?
M: Well I did the best with what I could. It's like you driving your car to the house and telling me the air does not work. You know I am not a mechanic so the car sits there for three months and then you come pick it up and are pi$$ed because it is not fixed. WTH. I am not a mehenanic. Your mad cause I did not fix the car, even though you could not fix it either. Well now we have tools to fix it and you still chose not to.
W: You are so good with words. The way you speak. I don't see it that way. I did not see it as a way to fix it. Once I made my decision it was because I believed I could not fix it or it could be fixed.
M: And once you realize it can or could have then what? That is the million dollar question. Once you know it could have where do you go from there. You know I made mistakes. Ok. You know you made mistakes. We decided to head in two different directions. I healed and grew keeping us in mind you healed and separated keeping you in mind.
W: There was no us back then. When I left there was no us. My biggest problem I was worried about your happiness D happiness and your mother happiness. Every one but me. I realize no one can make you happy but you. If I can't be happy for myself then I can't make anyone happy.
M: That is a good point. So now are you happy? Did you find your happiness.
W: No. I am surviving. That is all. I don't even think I should tell you that.
M: why
W: Because I feel like I am letting you in too much.
M: I am guarded around you also you are not the only one. I get that.
W: this is why we can't be talking about this anymore. I want to call you I would like for you to call me but this crap has to stop. We are not fixing anything and no matter how many times you say it right now all it is doing is bringing up bad feelings. Do you want me to call you? Do you want me to talk to you? You want to be friends for now?
M: It's up to you. Not to me. You want to call? Call. You don't want to call? Don't. I enjoy talking to you but if you feel frustrated for calling then don't. But you brought the conversation here not me
W: Look I am sorry if it was me but I don't want to do this over and over. Why can't we just talk about our days and leave it that. Once we pass like 16 minutes the convo goes this way. So if you want me to call and we can keep it like that I am ok if not I don't want to. I am trying really hard not to be a man hater right now in my life
M: well actually you being a man hater is ok by me.
W: Well your in luck cause I am. Play the lottery
M: Look it is simple. There is no M to talk about. There is no R to talk about so it's pointless you made sure of that. You want to call I will be here to talk. Simple rule from now on no freaking R talk
W: Ok then. Lets try that
M: I won't try I just won't talk about it
W: Fine I will try not to stear the conversation that way.
There was A LOT more but that is the jist of the conversation.
Look I know this was not where this convo needed to go but it did and there is no reason for me to sit here rewritting history. Of course I took the bait and swallowed it but that is ok for me. She needs to be responsible for her own actions and stop blaming me for her crappy life.
