Albuquerque living part 3:Strapped in for the ride

[Albuquerque]

Journaling,

Well it's been awhile since my last post. Things are moving forward. Last week I had to take a business trip cross-country. H had pretty much moved back to the house in that he was spending all his time here, although he still has his apartment and all his furniture is still there. During my trip, we texted often but I was quite busy and we didn't chat too much. When I returned last Thursday, H and D and I all went shopping for some household supplies. H seemed to be in an OK mood. However, that evening in bed, he announced to me that he had defriended x-OW on FB and that that had not gone over very well. I was surprised because in our last conversation about the issue, I essentially said that in a way, I didn't care if he stayed FB friends so long as he wasn't continually contacting her and stuff. In fact, I kind of hoped he'd post a lot of family stuff just to kind of get the point across. So I was surprised he had taken this step. I asked why he did so. He said that he felt it needed to be done. He said that over the last few months, he hadn't really talked to her much but that the stuff she was posting on FB was kind of sad. Things like stating that a good friend of hers wasn't talking to her anymore and stuff like that. When H decided to extend his lease, I guess that gave her the impression that she was still well in the game. She sent him a lot of apartment listings much closer to where she lives (about 45 minutes north of us) in the hopes that he'd move closer. I was shocked to hear this but just kept listening. He said that I was right, and that she definitely was WAY more invested in the relationship than he was. But he expressed sadness because she had been a friend for years, WAY before the relationship started. And he said that some days he just misses talking to her. At that point, I started to cry. Not because I was offended, but because I just found the whole situation so sad. I love my H and realize he has a great need to talk with friends. He always has. As surprising as it may be, I found it genuinely sad that he lost a friend through this whole thing. I knew it was right, I was happy he took the step, but having him lose a friend is still sad (as I see it).

Although it was good to hear, I still follow the mantra "believe none of what they say and 50% of what they do". I verified that he had defriended her and found that it was true. I also found out that she had decided to re-block me again. Strange.

Anyhow, since then life has been kind of weird. Living together has its own challenges. This week, H has been having very severe anxiety attacks. He's had his AD meds increased and still wasn't doing well. In fact, one night last week, he was so anxious that he was super naseous. As I went to bed, he said he was going to go to the store to get some pepto. I woke up at 4 am and discovered that he wasn't in bed, wasn't in the house, and his car was gone. I can't describe my disappointment, the hurt, the solitude. I tried to go to sleep but couldn't. I took a shower and just sobbed. Despite his presence, I still feel very alone at times. He's still messed up and still hasn't fully incorporated into the house. I'm still out there mowing the lawn, I'm still the only one cleaning the house, I'm still struggling to NOT take his anxiety attacks personally. I ended up falling BACK asleep on the couch about 6 am and hoping he'd come home soon. I woke up at 10am and he still wasn't home. I got up, made some breakfast, and then decided to do some yard work. As I was outside, he showed up about 11am. He looked awful and I simply said hi. I wasn't necessarily mad, just tired of everything. He didn't say much but just hugged me. He smelled heavily of alcohol and I said so. He tried to laugh it off but it was half-hearted. He apologized for everything and said that he wanted to take advantage of some of the DB counseling sessions that I had. He explained that he left in the evening to get the pepto and decided to stop at his house to get some of his meds. While there he decided that a few drinks would be a good idea. Next thing he knew he was super sick and miserable the rest of the night/morning. He went back into the house while I continued my yard work. When I came back into the house, he was asleep. He slept till late afternoon. And still battled sickness the rest of the evening. This reconciliation stuff is not easy.

This last week has been a bit better. He is still battling his anxiety but he called his doctor to get some more med adjustments. And just today, he called a DB counselor. I did not ask him how it went. I figure that if he wants to talk to me about it, he will. I asked yesterday if there was any additional fallout from the x-OW. He said there were a few "what the hell" texts but not much more. He is slowly incorporating himself more and more into the home. He actually swept the entrance today which was surprising and nice. He's been very affectionate the whole time but it is pretty obvious when he starts having his anxiety attacks and they are kind of a wakeup call to the fact that things are NOT like they were before. He hasn't said when or if he plans on moving his stuff back to the house but he no longer refers to it as his place and any time I do, he corrects me and tells me he's home.

As for me, I'm doing my best to remain focused on me, while still realizing that I DO have to take my H into consideration now. Finding that balance has been difficult. Knowing when to enforce boundaries is hard. In good, strange news, out of the blue, an employee from my dream job emailed me personally to tell me that they have a job opening and they really would like me to apply. I was stunned and I couldn't help but not apply. They've already scheduled me for an interview. If I get it, it sounds like it would happen quick and would require a move about 2 hours away. I have no expectation but feel flattered to be asked. And I can't help but feel that some distance from the x-OW could only be an additional bonus. I love where I live but it would be an opportunity I would have a hard time declining. My H has been extremely supportive and seems almost more gung ho about it than me. A few years ago, I know this potential job would have been at the forefront of my mind. I was totally focused on achieving my goal. Unfortunately, that caused us to move several times despite my H NOT being super gung ho about it. That led to a lot of friction. And over the last year, I've really worked on adjusting some of my priorities. So now, with everything seemingly falling into my lap, I'm finding myself surprised with MYSELF, than I'm not more excited and nervous. I guess the last year has taught me that expectations are pointless. What will happen will happen and we can only be our best. And sometimes, people notice....