Hey hoswald, hope you are doing ok today. I can relate to your situation. First, I'd say you are getting good advice here. Second, some thoughts:

Graduate programs can really screw with people's heads - the stress, the feeling of not being quite in the "real world", and the uncertainty of what comes next, and where that might be. I've been there, and so has my W. You and I are similar in age too.

And you seem to have noticed something I noticed with my W. When she is unhappy she will tell me what's missing in her life. But if I try to "fix" that, or provide what's missing, well, it usually doesn't work. Sometimes thats not really what she wanted, or the way she wanted it, or she didn't want to have to point it out to me. She couldn't accept compliments or dates or gifts when she didn't "feel close to me", didn't laugh it my jokes - but she could easily accept these things from others. SHe would say she'd lost respect for me, or didn't feel close to me, telling me to "be a man" - her way giving me the flashing red warning light I think. She especially hated me complimenting the way she looked. I had to build the attraction first, which is a work in progress.

For me, I first had to stop doing some things that were unattractive, weak, or otherwise driving her for the hills. Man, this was not easy and I had to take some measures I hadn't considered, but that's what it takes.

Then, I starting building up some old friendships and doing the GAL. Tried to be less co-dependent. I noticed that when other people liked being around me or complimented me it sorta had an effect on my Ws attitude, in little tiny ways but it did.

I hit the gym - getting in pretty good shape - helped my confidence and she noticed.

That let me give my W some of the freedom she wanted. And I took some for myself.

My W also wants adventure. Because of our young kids that's a tough one for us. But one thing I've noticed if I plan "adventure" for the purpose of making her happy she feels pressure and obligation. It has to feel spontaneous or relaxed for her. So, right, how to plan something spontaneous - there's a question. I guess for me it meant tackling the attractive/confident things before trying to do something to spark the attraction.

Anyway, you're getting god advice. And you're in the right place. When you feel bad, maybe come here and journal some. You'll get some good feedback.