"Done"... WAW? MLC? Just relationship trouble?

[sandi2]

Glad that you found the DB board during this painful time in your M. I encourage you to try to post as often as possible. It helps you and it keeps members interested in your thread.

I will try to share some personal feelings that I experienced that might be similar to what your W is facing. The most important thing I can tell you right here and now is that your M can be saved!

Whenever I hear a woman say that she is "done" in a M, I immediately search for signs of depression. So, you can see that in reading your thread, I was thinking she could be depressed before you even brought it up about her having a history of depression. There are many flags that are waving in regard to her being depressed, but I will try to touch that more in another reply. (Hope I don't sound arrogant, b/c I'm really not.... )

Before I take up a lot of time talking about thyroid, sex, and other hormones, you can tell me if she is on any type of HRT. Also, does she have any other health problems and does she take medication for depression daily or just when she can't coop?

I know this is a lot of questions, and I hope you don't mind sharing. I had some of the same feelings that you say your W is having. When i look back at my stitch, I can see that I was in bad shape, much worse than I ever dreamed. It was a combination of health problems, depression, void of several types of hormones, and years of much stress. Maybe most folks go through that, but I can tell you that it did not help my M problems! In fact, it played a big part of tearing it apart.

I never want to sound as if I am shifting everything I did wrong over to my health problems, b/c that is not the case. I had an EA with a man I met on the Internet. Lovely, huh? So, I take responsibility for my behavior. What I am saying about the health situation is that if she is having similar problems....it can cause her to become very vulnerable to seeking "emotional connection" elsewhere.

My M survived my EA. I give most of the credit to this board, right here. That's why I stick around, in case I can pay it forward.

You mentioned your W's great emails while she was gone to the States. Was there any other time the two of you had written each other Do you think she communicates better in person or emails? How about you? I gathered you might not be a big talker.

...two weeks later when she came back to help with the move, she wouldn't kiss me

She felt no chemistry! Had she ever acted like that before? Why would she talk one way in emails and when show time came in person....no action. Had she even hinted in the emails that she felt "done"?

her individual therapist has implied that "once you feel done, it'll never change."

That IC is wrong, and is not helping your W to say those things.

She has a history of depression but assures me that her therapist says she's not depressed now.

Sounds as if she needs to drop that therapists! Only through medical tests can any doctor know for sure a person's mental health condition. She is either not telling you everything straight, or that therapist is causing her harm, IMHO.

she said "this is comfortable and livable, but it's not enough. I need a REASON to stay."

And this has become her theme song. She is saying, "I'm unhappy, I'm drained, and don't have the energy to change things. Make me happy!" Oh, and in that sentence, insert "I want passionate sex!" (Don't shake your head. She does want to experience passion!

"By the way, I haven't had an affair, although I admit I was tempted

"this is comfortable and livable, but it's not enough

if marriage is just like friendship but with fewer options, why do it?"

Listen to her carefully.