I don't think we have much disagreement here. But I take exception to the use of the words "infidelity" and "cheating". I am not recommending either and my wife and I do not cheat on each other.
The issue of cheating is one of lying, and a betrayal of trust. Open relationships are just that - they mean that we are open about what we want and do. We NEVER condone cheating and I would be terribly hurt if my wife cheated on me.
....Monogamy may be a good or bad thing, but like polyamorous relationships, should not be exempt from critical analysis. And for those who find that they were married only to find that they find monogamy nearly impossible, and open relationship is a hell of a lot better than a divorce if h & w can accept it.
Dear Bob48;
Again, if it works for you and your wife, I am glad.
I also think that I understand what you are saying (and agree in some situations) when you say "...open relationship is a hell of a lot better than a divorce if h & w can accept it." However, if the h & w are that emotionally together, then I think they should be able to work on curing their underlying problems that caused the SSM situation.
I used the word cheating and infedelity because to me an SSM is a mariage in crisis; one that has gone terrible wrong for some reason. This forum is all about those in an SSM. A marriage (to me) does involve at least at the beginning a pledge to forsake others.
My experience is that I was in a SSM, because me wife was angry at me and didn't want to have sex with me any longer or if we did have sex, she needed to emotionally hurt me to create a feeling of emotinal distance. She told me that if I had divorced her, she would not have wanted to have sex with anyone else. She told our sex therapist that she has never masturbated in her entire life and I believe her. She truly was LD compared to me and her anger at me ultimately turned LD into ND.
In such a situation if it did not change and we remained married, I doubt that her anger at me would have allowed her to say, "yes dear go off to a swingers party and have sex with others." I doubt that she would have wanted to have sex with others as well. So for me an open marriage was not a likely an option. I could be wrong, but don't think in our case I am.
I seriously doubt that an open marriage is an option for many SSM's, unless the HD person is incrediblly financially well off and the LD person is financially dependent. Even then an open marriage would not be a truly free decision mutually arrived at. There are still some Catholics that don't believe in divorce (but not many) and so for them, maybe it is an option. However, those that I know who don't believe in divorce, would probably view the lack of sex as perhaps their physical trial on earth that they must endure to prove their faith.
Sex with another woman would have been an option in my SMM situation. But as you say it would have been cheating on my wife. I believe you when you say that you and your wife do not "cheat" on each other. However in my case, had I just had sex with another woman without tellng my wife, or had I pressured her into saying to me "...yes go have sex with some other woman" it would not be the type of "open marriage" you are describing or that works for others.
Actually to use your words, "...if h & w can accept it." So while it may work for some, it is just too beyond my experience to see it as an option for me or many others I know who are in SSM's. Again, that doesn't mean it isn't an option for some. Which is why it is good to discuss.
I also think that if my wife had given me the freedom to have sex with other women, such sex would have prevented the healing that ultimatly occurred in my marriage. I feel that for me, trying an open marriage to get the sex and intimacy I needed would have created greater barriers to healing my marriage. It might have allowed me to preserve the illusion of marriage or redefined the marriage to my wife, but I don't think I would have been motivated to fix the marriage or end it and that horrible choice probably was what motivated my wife to forgive me and change the way she treated me.
So, yes, I think we are in agreement that an open marriage may work for some. However, I feel that my experience is that in an SSM there is probably anger, hate, shame, or pain that impeds sex between a husband and wife.
If there is love and respect in the marriage, but the reason for the SSM is perhaps medical on the part of one, then maybe an open marriage and sex with others might be an option. However, if find it hard to believe that a medical condition could prevent all forms of sexual contact, whether it involves, hands, mouth, genitals or even rubbing of two bodies together.
As you say, an open marraige is an option for some, but one that probably needs to come from a different starting point than most SSM's, which did have healthy sex at some point, but at some point the sex stopped or became unhealthy.
I can also say that I mentally understand the concept of marriage as being more than just love & sex between two people. I understand that it is about children, property, community roles, community status and family responsibilities. In other cultures, sexual fulfilment and love may be a trivial part of "marriage." In such situations, if both parties agree, sex with others may make a lot of sense and allow the marriage to fulfill its other functions. I can even understand how if that is the marital starting point, that sex, novelty and love can be present at the beginning and that sexual desire can wane after time allowing for the open marriage to fulfill the sexual needs of one or both partners.
You can call me brainwashed, old fashioned or traditional. I married my wife for love with the expectation that our love and shared values would see us through the hard times. To me sex, if done the way I prefer, is about making & building love between two people. As such, I can't imagine feeling good about my wife sexually sharing herself with anyone else. To me sex with my wife is about bonding with her and feeling close in a way that increases intimacy. I want sex to be a special emotional experience with someone I care deeply about. I can understand sex as a physical need.
If I were completely paralized (all extremidies and mouth), then maybe I would feel differently, if my wife were the high desire partner. I know that I want her to be happy.
Again, I think that some things we agree on, even if we come from different paths.
I hope that you and your wife enjoy each other and find happiness.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
