The perpetual "now what?"

[blind]

Well,

I've been away from here for a while now... and sure, I've been doing better... but a lot of that feels that it is because it's harder to get worse.

It's been 12 months. I will say, hands down, the worst 12 months of my life.

The separation has stuck, but no big surprise there. Leaving me was a knee jerk decision, and she then needed to prove that she wasn't making the wrong one (she did this a lot). I get little to no contact, and that's been the way since she made up her mind and blindsided me.

A lot has happened. I have a drivers license, a car, a new flat in ANOTHER new city.. I've gone back to uni. I've been seeing someone... and I just... I don't know. I'm still numb I think. Maybe my trust is just damaged.

I find myself getting up in the morning and just laying there. I find myself wondering what comes next. What is the point?

I try to think about the future, what comes tomorrow, and the day after, six months, twelve months... and I don't know if I can see this feeling ever changing.

I look around this site and see a lot of very strong people. A lot of people going out and fixing things or getting themselves together and moving on.

Well, I got myself together, and I just can't shake the feeling that I've lost a large piece... and my reason to get up in the morning was tied up in that.

Everyone said "At least you don't have kids". I now think I may never have kids. Never have a family. Just get old and wonder about what I've missed.

I've done all of the things people have told me to do... I just don't know what to do next.