OnMyWay: to who knows where?

[OnMyWay]

Your DB coach comment freaked me out a little - that when she stops complaining, she's stopped caring? Can you elaborate on that any? Isn't there a point where not complaining would mean she's realized how good you are/how good she had it versus being mad at what she doesn't get to do since she's left your family/the relationship?

AJ, that was in regard to the walk-away part of our R. My coach told me when W left, as long as she is complaining, she's still engaged in the R, no matter how negative it is. Basically, she still cares. When she stops complaining, then she's truly detached and no longer cares. The comment was all from a negative perspective and has nothing to do with trying to piece together a R. There are not positives here. There is no piecing; she is still very much a WAW. She still complains, but you are correct in that now, she's complaining less, but that is replaced with some other interests/activities with regards to our R.

I think my WAW interest in anything in my life or what D and I do is purely "fishing." My actions of late are of near complete detachment, which is a total 180 from where I was at the time she left. It feels to me to be a combination of "WTH is going on?" and an attempt to try to hold on to something she desperately fears she's loosing: her motherhood.

For example, this morning she was making pancakes at the house for D before I left for work. I was in the kitchen eating something and I'd get a feeling and turn to catch her watching me before quickly diverting her eyes. I blew it off and kept to my thing, but she is obviously thinking - I catch her watching me a lot, so she's definitely curious about something. Also, I noticed her demeanor around me is different. Before, she always had a defensive posture. Now she's more relaxed. However, I'm NOT changing my posture; I'm sticking to my policy of detachment.

I'm not a total cad: I sincerely hope she's making progress for her own sake. She starts her IC on May 5. I know she'll be trying to reconcile the parenting thing, as it is a big part of her guilt for leaving. Apparently, D told her Monday night that D & my weekend in San Diego has changed her (with regards to how she sees both of us as parents, I believe) - pretty big talk for an 8 yr old. That had to be a tough blow and perhaps a serious wake up call for WAW. However, my R w/ D is one thing I won't relent on. Next weekend she and I are planning a big weekend with friends on a boat in So. Cal. A couple of weeks ago, I offered W to join us. I won't offer again, as I think D & I will have more fun on our own.

This is the fun part, though, AJ. Now that I've reached detachment, DBing has become interesting. I can do different things and monitor results as if its an experiment because I'm no longer worried about the outcome. I know I'm getting better results than before, as the little things are adding up much quicker. I'm free now and I'm actually getting very good at DBing my sitch.

Any female perspective you can give on any of this will be greatly appreciated, cataloged, and used in future experiments.

I think it is different for you & your H. From your threads it seems, right now, he's living the best of both worlds (or perhaps he thinks he is) as long as the stripper is around, so he doesn't have much to complain about. He obviously cares a great deal, as shown by his participation with you & the kids. I'm agreeing with you that relocating may be the best thing. Force him to spend more time in his chosen reality without the benefit escaping back to his family. Full-time with a stripper will certainly get boring for them both very quickly.

Best wishes and thanks for the post!
OMW

[OnMyWay]

Isn't there a point where not complaining would mean she's realized how good you are/how good she had it versus being mad at what she doesn't get to do since she's left your family/the relationship?

One more quick though: I don' think we ever get to this point. We'd have to ask someone who's been through it, but I don't see my WAW stop complaining and become positive because she sees "how good I am/how good she had it." That's not realistic and would require her to admit she was wrong, when she wasn't. She had her feelings and her reasons and, while I disagree whole-heartedly with them, they are hers to have and to own. I can't discount her reasoning because I see it a different way.

It makes some sense, though, that we may soon have some sort of discussion where we will open the door to making a plan for the future. I have no illusions: that plan could still be very much the BIG D. But, I do sense somewhere down the line, very soon, something will give to tip the scale one way or the other. Either way, my DBing will continue, albeit in a different form.

[~ kd ~]

Great job, OMW! I believe I am almost there.

I see my W fishing more, even though she claims that, "I am removed from this .... this is no longer my stress to own."

It was in reference to thinking I was mad at her in an email I'd sent; I was mad, but not at her and told her after. See... why would she care? Who cares...? Not me. Really.

There's also other bizarre behaviours... like really... I love how you call your W "the crazy lady". I got me one of those... :-)

And I think my detaching is having an affect on my D13, as well. I'll post about that in my own thread, but it would probably speak directly at their co-dependency.

Keep GALing with your D. It appears to be DBing at its finest, in your sitch.

[OnMyWay]

Thanks for the post KD!!! It's always good to have a brother check in on me. Keep up the good fight! I'll hop on over to your thread and see what you've go going on. Amazing how so many of these WAW sitchs are so similar.

[OnMyWay]

Quiet tonight. Kind of making me nervous. I need to figure out a 180 or something just to keep things fresh.

W has spent the past two nights at the house to "help me out" during our D's spring break. She'll be there again tonight, and I suspect tomorrow night as well. She skipped class today spent some serious quality time with D. That always makes me nervous as she'll jockey for position and that leads to her coming up with "ideas" that we are not prepared for.

I think it will be time for her to go back to her place after tomorrow.

[OnMyWay]

Today's update, but first, I'd like to take the opportunity for some shameless gloating!

I thought of this after a discussion over on DelinquentGirls thread about personal theme songs and I noted my was Cee Lo Green's unclean version of "Forget You." I was driving with D today and she started telling me how much W hates this song as she says it's overplayed on the radio. W was the one last year that introduced the song to me and she had really liked it back then. I listen to the same stations, and I hardly ever hear it, but she knows I like it and D sings along with it doing the "ooh ooh ooooh" parts. I think WAW doesn't like it because it has new meaning to her and I find that very pleasurable! http://youtu.be/bKxodgpyGec

Ok, that's enough gloating for tonight.

I'm kind of done with W being around for now. She came over after class today and our time overlapped a bit. She usually doesn't show up until right before I have to leave for work. During the overlap, D and I played around a lot. W just sat there watching. Then, D tells me about how one of her friends mom's (who I think is HOT) has changed her hair color. "You think she's pretty, DAAaad!" "Yeah D, well why don't you set me up?!" We giggled. All this in front of W. W said D can set me up when she's not around. (ok, now I done gloating, really.)

Have I mentioned how much I love my D? She really surprises me sometimes. It was all good until I got up to leave and she freaked out, not wanting me to go. Practically dragged her out the door trying to get to the car. She was adamant, but work is work and I had to go. I left her crying in the driveway as I drove away. I know she was just being overly dramatic, but still, I love that kid.

Later W called, as it looks like my sitter for tomorrow is going to fall through. She provided pleasant solutions and offered to take D for half day, etc., and offered to bring her home after school and will leave when I get there. Friday night and she'll obviously go out partying with her friends - one of the major issues in our M. However, due to my detachment, it started to bother me initially, but then just went away. I still have work to do on the detachment side of things, but I surprised how quickly I recovered. It's a solid 180 success for me.

Next, she started planning a big Easter family day on Saturday and asked if I was still interested in participating. I'm not really, but for the purposes of spending quality time with D and some experimental DBing, I'm all in. She knows I have a roast in the freezer and she's pulling it out to thaw so I can make my famous horseradish & herb encrusted roast. Hmmm, she's still nesting. I guess that positive, but I'm ready for some space. There's no R talk (actually there's hardly any talk) between us and she just seems to be in some sort of weird observation mode.

Makes me ask a question to the group: Has any of the LBS here discovered they, during the process, end up being a WAS themselves? I can definitely see changes in the dynamics of our R here. While she has left me, she has not detached and things like the HOT other mother still bother her. It is obvious to me, while she is the instigator, I am the one here whose done the work and I've moved along much farther then she has. I'm nearly detached from her and any outcome of our failed M. If she is edging towards reconciling, I'm no longer in a position to offer that at this point in time - I'm sure this is way to premature for consideration, but the "clues" are meaning something and with her nesting back in our home, it seems to me she's looking at her options.

I did notice in her calendar (we share google calendars as it helps with scheduling while minimizing potential discussion conflicts) that she is being evaluated by a psychologist on Monday prior to starting her IC next week. It'll be interesting to see how that impacts all this.

[OnMyWay]

Oops. I had assumed W was staying again, but she wasnt. I stayed out after work for a beer with a coworker before coming home. She was waiting to leave to go back to her place. I didn't say anything and she didn't ask.

She hovered again before leaving, then did something totally off the wall. She comes up and high-fives me with a big smile. I asked what that was for and she addmitted she didn't know. I could tell she all of a sufden felt awkward and took off. That is the first friendly gesture towards me in months.

Glad she left. I hope my sitter sitch works out tomorrow so I can have a day w/o seeing her. I need my space back.

[OnMyWay]

Damn, she is just being way too happy and helpful. WTH is going on here? W and I just did the kid switch, as she's taking her for the afternoon. She's being all accommodating and smiling at me, etc.

Oh, well. I just got a sitter for this evening and I'm out on the town GAL with a friend of mine - the infamous "OW" (who's not really). Not telling the W, either. I'm feeling sneaking and liking it. Is that bad of me? It's not a secret, but I just don't want her meddling in my life right now.

[OnMyWay]

Had a nice family time last night. Even snuck in a great hug. I had mentioned that her attitude has improved. She said she was trying very hard to be happier as she wants to avoid going on anti-depressants (her pre-counseling psychiatrist evaluation is tomorrow). I let her know I had noticed her positive changes.

Later, she "trapped" me in the kitchen and admitted she was doing so, so I dove in for another HUGE hug and snuck in a little kiss. Got the following text this morning (always must keep herself in "check" and protect from setting "false" expectations):

"Thank you for the hugs last night... Felt like hugging a old friend... It was nice.."

I did respond a few hours later and was very neutral. Planning on being dark for the rest of the day.

[greenblue90]

OMW
I know what you mean about keeping in "check" and not wanting to set "false" expectations. I say phooeey to that. WAW don't like to feel vulnerable and like to say these things to feel in control again. Ignore it, enjoy the moment, and don't bring it up again (or she may deny it even happened, darn that fog). She knows as well as you do what happened. Enjoy the moment and see it as a glimpse into the person she used to be and hopefully may become again.