Hmm. Ok, worst and yet most hopeful night in a while. She's seriously contemplating a separation except she's not sure what it'll really solve. But here's the part that gives me peculiar hope:
"I get more and more sure I'm going to leave. And the more sure I'm going to leave, the better I get and the more I feel like if I can feel that way, I can probably stay. And then I think about staying and I feel powerless and like I have to run, and so I want to leave again."
One of her themes is the idea of learned helplessness--that she doesn't have any control over her life. So I feel like if we can make her feel like she has control, she's more likely to stay. But... she's still researching how much alimony she'd get, but assures me she'll try to be fair (heh). Although she did say "I don't like being this person. I don't want to be this person."
Anyway, at the end of the hard conversation, I laughed and when she asked why, I said "because even after that, I want to kiss you."
"Wanna give it a try?" she asked.
And so we kissed, first time in a long while. Not long and not particularly passionately, and then she called it off because she was confused (we have a conversational "safe word" which means "OK, this conversation stops RIGHT NOW" after some lasted too long).
So no idea what to think. We meet with our MC next Wednesday, and I have a 1-session DB phone coaching on Monday (more if it turns out positive). Probably won't sleep tonight--GOOD LORD this is confusing.
