If an open relationship works for you and your wife, then I am happy for you. You admit that it might not be for everyone. It is not for me.
Over the past two years I have read way too many relationship books in an attempt to save my marriage of 39+ years, which is special to me. I believe that I have succeeded in saving my marriage, but time will tell. My wife and I have also had marriage counseling with a sex therapist because that was an obvious problem area in our marriage.
One of the more interesting books I read this past year was Mating in Captivity, which was about one woman's investigation on how a long term relationship can remain lusty, erotic and loving and what natural pitfalls seemed to block that. Obviously, an open relationship allows on to side step that issue. The short answer from the book is that you have to work hard at fighting familiarity and taking your partner for granted and work on reinventing yourself and your relationship.
However, for some of us who have struggled with a Sex Starved Marriage, fidelity and commitment are a huge challenge.
My take on the story is that "cheating" is a "slipery slope" that once you start down; becomes easier and easier. While my use of the term "cheating" implies a moral judgement, I choose it because of how I would feel, if I found out my wife had sex with another (devastated). You obviously see things differently.
As someone who has been in an SSM and managed to come out the end with the same partner and a healthy sex life, I feel that I have been challenged and that the challenge included one of not having sex with other women. I know other men who I like and admire who have had affairs and it has hurt almost all of them.
I think that the article makes some good points on how one can gradually over time dance up to the edge of something and once you cross a barrier (moral, ethical or otherwise) it becomes easier to cross. As such the barrier (non-monogomous sex which you propose) becomes something that frightens me and my ability to control my actions. It becomes something that I would negatively react to in a strong way. I am reminded of people who have adictions to which they try to avoid, by living one day at a time and avoiding temptations one day at a time.
It is more about my fears of loosing something that I have worked hard to maintain, than my disapproval of your lifestyle. You and your wife are free to live your life as you want. I am just explaining why I and others may react strongly to what you are proposing.
Perhaps MWD puts it well when she talks about infedelity reeling from infidelity Working to keep a healthy marriage after infidelity is not for sissies and that the "...marriage is changed forever, innocence and dreams lost."
Again, while tempting, an open marriage is (in my opinion) a slippery slope and one that as you say is not for everyone.
Good luck to you.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
