I intend to live forever - so far, so good

[ClingingToHope]

This thread nears an end.

STBXW calls and I decide to answer since D8 had an incident at school. She asks about that and then tells me she is firing her L. She asks if my L can just type up what we've decided and she'll sign it.

I tell her I think she'll have to show up in court and tell the judge it's what she wants.

For me, it means my situation won't get worse. The level I'm at is where I'll stay. It means the nightmare is drawing to a close and I'll be able to move forward on the bankruptcy soon and then rebuilding my finances and the rest of my life.

BUT it also means I'm another step closer to something I deep down don't want. It means I'm in the weird position of having to be the one to finish a divorce I never wanted.

It also means I likely will continue to be the villain in the future if the agreement isn't good enough for her. It's more generous than I'd receive in court. Deep down, I know this will be revisited some day.

I'm still all over the place on this. I don't like the stuff that's filtering back to me from the girls. At times, I'm happy knowing I'm not there having to figure out her moods and be second guessed on every decision. STBXW has issues.

But then again, I remember I married her knowing she had issues and thinking I could help her ... and I failed. I didn't realize I had my own issues as well and I just believed in the fairy tale of happily ever after. I wasn't willing to work at the marriage until it was too late. And STBXW -- growing up with parents who hated each other but were too poor to divorce -- never was willing to work at it.

I wonder what it will feel like when we are officially no longer married. I've been living with the dreaded D hanging over my head really since 2004. I read once when one spouse mentions D, the other spouse is a hostage. I've been a hostage for seven years. I'll likely be a wreck on D day. I hope the sun shines on day 2.