open relationships

[bob48]

I think those are fair questions Mr. Bond. My wife could potentially "choose sides" now, regardless of whether or not we are involved in what is obviously an alternative lifestyle. There are no shortages of examples of people who have done so without making a mutual decision to a freer approach to sex.

My personal belief is that if you can't have sex at all any more then you have no right to expect that your spouse gives it up as well. And that would be the case whether or not you were previously monogamous. In fact, I think that most couples when faced with that situation do have sex with others. Especially if the one who still can have sex places a high value on a sex life.

You asked me if I would be comfortable having your wife naked with another guy if I couldn't please her. I can only answer that I am comfortable with that now, and if I had no desire for sex, I doubt I would be less comfortable. And, since I know I CAN please her and do please her, it just isn't all that scary to me.

If I DID have a desire for sex, then there would be nothing stopping me from engaging in it unless perhaps if I were paralyzed.

Now to address your first point that every person that you know of who has engaged in a non monogamous relationship has had their marriage ruined. How many people do you know - do you think it is an adequate sample? Do you really think that many of those that do have an open relationship are going to tell you about it? Considering your views, I don't think they'd be comfortable sharing them with you. I know that without the anonymity of this board, I certainly wouldn't share them with you.

I think that I can make the case that a lot of people who have tried to impose monogamy on their spouses, especially when they weren't interested in sex themselves, have also ruined a lot of marriages, and in fact, some of Michelle Weiner Davis' books have addressed what abstention in a monogamous relationship does.

Non monogamous relationships are not for everyone. Monogamous relationships are not for everyone.

If you can, take a look at the web site http://www.sexatdawn.com/ for a more historical and psychological perspective of monogamy. You might find it compelling and instructive. It was written by a husband (psychologist) and wife (psychiatrist). It challenges the assumption that man is "naturally" monogamous.

bob