He's not gone yet but says his feelings are gone

[Hurt-but-Hopeful]

My posts from yesterday haven't shown up yet, but here's what happened at MC today:

I guess my DB'ing is working because he said he's frustrated & angry that now I'm doing all the things he's always wanted me to do and I'm everything he always wanted, but why did it have to take this long? Why did it have to happen once he felt like he was done? I tried very hard at validating him, because I truly do understand, and to explain why I felt like I suddenly "get it". He said he's still not feeling attracted to me or like he wants to be affectionate because he hasn't decided what to do. But I said, You have to be willing, which the MC agreed with. He's turned himself off and has acknowledged that by saying he was purposefully cold because he didn't want things to just go back to the way they were.

He says he can see the changes I've made and really feels like I'm not just temporarily changing or doing things just for him. Which is good, because I'm not. I apologized for the fact that it took me so long to understand some things & make some changes. I still feel like he's placing a lot of the blame for things on me, but that's something we can deal with at another time. However, I think I got my message across as to why I figured it out now, and that it's going to "stick".

The thing he said that gives me the most hope, other than I'm now everything he's always wanted, is that he said, "maybe I just need to feel angry & get that out of the way & I'll feel it again." He also said, for the second time, that he doesn't want this just to be it, but he's basically concerned that it's too late for him. As I understand it, it's not too late if he wants it to work. That all gives me hope that yes, he does want it work, and he's just to process these changes & let himself get to the place where he wants to be a couple again.

So I am cautiously optimistic. This is the best I've felt since the ILYBNILWY bomb. I'm going to be stronger & better with or without him. I would just like him to see that our M can be stronger & better as well. I'm going to keep doing what I've been doing - keeping PMA, taking care of me & S, doing things that make me feel good, putting my best foot forward, and giving him space & time. Something I need to work on - stop being defensive sometimes when he's saying how he feels. I caught myself doing this today during MC & I could see how it immediately made him frustrated & I felt like it set things back for a moment.

We set another MC appt but not for another 3 wks due to his work schedule. I have renewed faith that he'll start making baby steps back to the R. I don't know when, but I hope it's soon.