Navy: I dont think this is a step back. You did not argue. You listened and validated. What else can you do apart from going back in time and correcting things. I am sure your wife knows this. I think she has all this resentment inside her that she needs to get it off. I think thats good, just as long you don't start defending. I was in the same situation 2 years ago when my wife came back. The only bad thing i did was to let my spirits go down whenever she vented like this. Then i would retreat into my shell and things never got better between us. The only advice i would have here is after these conversations, act as-if. Means don't bring yourself down and keep the buoyancy.
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
The past can’t be changed. No one can go back and start a new beginning but anyone can start today and make a new ending. There is prob a lot she still needs to get off her chest and prob will for awhile, things she wanted to before and didn’t.
I think you handled it well but I would caution against having this play out over and over. At some point you will have to take some stock in your value system. At the end of the day you screwed up, OK. Well you still stuck around and fought like he!! To get where you are today.
Unless you are both in the same canoe paddling in the same direction you are bound to drift again. You both have to acknowledge mistakes and both be willing to find better ways to deal with them if they come up again. BOTH, not just Navy.
Again I emphasize that last night was good and she will need to unload some things, but eventually she will have to take some ownership.
Glad you remember the boomerang thing, I guess you did read my post to you way back when.
2. She brought up our sleeping arrangement. She doesn't want to sleep in D5's bed every night because D5 will never go to sleep alone if that becomes a habit. Then she said that sleeping on the couch is really messing up her back. She said she had been fine with sharing the bed until I touched her arm almost 2 weeks ago, then realized that she was sending a mixed signal by doing so. She also told me she talked to her SIL who is studying to be a MC and told her we shouldn't be sharing the bed until W knows for sure that she wants to work on things between us. I told W that she's welcome to share the bed, but I'm not going to push her in any way. I understand where she's at and I don't think that sharing the bed is a mixed signal.
I recall going throughthe same thing. SIL is correct, it's not good for D5 to be seeping with a parent.
It's also advised that you don't leave the bedroom. It's her decision not to be there.
Hovering is AKA being a puppy dog. Give her more space. Be confident and be prepared for her decision to change on a dime. It's how you handle those swings is what matters now. You can do it. gr8
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
Navy - I think that you handled that extremely well. Be prepared for more of that from her. Listen, listen, then validate and listen some more!
You want her to feel safe sharing her feelings with you. IMO, this is a good step in that direction.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Thanks all for the responses. Glad to hear I didn't totally f things up.
Karma: I agree, and am planning to act "as-if" when I get home. In fact I had to call her for something today and acted "as-if" on the phone. She didn't seem very cold or distant when I talked to her.
2step: I agree with her taking ownership eventually. She actually did admit last night that she might have been a little too subtle when conveying her needs to me. That was earlier in the convo so I'm not sure she walked away thinking about that though. I definitely don't want to make these "talks" a habit. Also, you were right (as usual) about the boomerang...it just came back in a different way than I had imagined. And trust me when I tell you that I, along with about everyone else on here, reads every single thing you post on every thread.
Gr8: SIL actually said that W and I shouldn't be sharing a bed, not D5 and W or I. I agree with you that it is not good for D5. I have no idea how to handle that conversation with W now that I have been sleeping in D5's bed for the past 6 nights without it seeming like I'm trying to be manipulative and get us both back in the same bed.
Denver: It was a good step...and I think it was good that she recognized that she was "unloading" on me. It was still very hard to hear though...and I'm sure she'll be watching me very closely over the next couple days to see what I do with what she said.
BITS M: 35 W: 35 T14, M11 D9, S6 ILYBINILY: June 09 Unofficially Separated (long distance): 1/2/11 W came home: 3/17/11 EE: July 2012 Dropped the rope: Oct 2012 Piecing: April 2013 Not piecing: April 2014 Stuck.
Well, tonight we all went to a carnival and had a good time. I am just laying down to go to sleep now.
Just asked W if shed be comfortable doing something together on our anniversary. She said she's not in the mood for it.
Then I asked her about our sleeping arrangement and what she thought about one of us sleeping with D5 every night. She agreed that it wasn't good for D5. I then asked her what she wanted to do and she said she's fine on the couch. I told her i dont want her back getting messed up and I'll see about getting an extra bed for her to sleep on downstairs. I ended with telling her that if she gets to a place where she's comfortable sharing the bed again, she'll be welcome and won't have to worry about whatever "messages" it sends me.
Blah. I'm going to sleep.
BITS M: 35 W: 35 T14, M11 D9, S6 ILYBINILY: June 09 Unofficially Separated (long distance): 1/2/11 W came home: 3/17/11 EE: July 2012 Dropped the rope: Oct 2012 Piecing: April 2013 Not piecing: April 2014 Stuck.
Just asked W if shed be comfortable doing something together on our anniversary. She said she's not in the mood for it.
Okay, that's your answer about celebrating the wedding anniversary. So, do not plan anything.
Since she continues to remind you that she came back home for the sake of the kids, I would suggest that you get a card for the anniversary......nothing mushy. I would prop it up against her morning coffee cup....or whatever she reaches for when she wakes up.
If you know of a store or mall where they have one of those booths where you sit inside and it automatically takes several snapshots while you make funny faces......I think having the kids pictures would be cute. Since you have a two year old...it may require you in the picture as well. You and D5 could make crazy faces & cut up....showing having a good time. Then when you get those pictures, save them to put inside the anniversary card. Just sign the card, "Thanks for giving me our beautiful kids". No ILY's or any reference to the M.
It's just an idea, but anything more will be extreme pressure on her.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Happy Anniversary W. 7 years and two wonderful children. Thanks for everything. I love you.
BITS M: 35 W: 35 T14, M11 D9, S6 ILYBINILY: June 09 Unofficially Separated (long distance): 1/2/11 W came home: 3/17/11 EE: July 2012 Dropped the rope: Oct 2012 Piecing: April 2013 Not piecing: April 2014 Stuck.
