18 Wheels and a Dozen Roses

[AJM80]

I quit my job this week. It was the right decision and instead of feeling panicked like I did when I was trying to sort out daycare/figure out how to go back, I feel a little sad, but it feels right. (I know some of you may disagree and I respect and appreciate your advice. It's done though and I honestly believe it was the right thing for the time being. I have a back up plan and a back up for that back up and several places I could live/things I could go do)

Maybe a backslide, I don't know, but I called H and told him "today was the day". I said, I want to know if you have gone to lawyer or (this is a more blunt version of how I said it) are just waiting for me to quit my job and take the kids and screw me over. I basically said, best case, we keep getting along and everything is really good, but I feel like with a step this big, I need some assurances that you really are being upfront with me.

Later that day he told me he'd figured out what we could contribute to retirement (with phase outs, etc) and asked if I had cash to do it. I said I did, but I didn't plan to invest it. He hemmed and hawed a little. I said, if we were staying together, would you be worried about me contributing. Nope. I said, ok, but you think I should in this situation. he said, it will probably be the last year we can do this because his income is going up and it is limited. I said, but I would be able to contribute to it, right, because I wouldnt be phased out (as a single mother with child support and a part time job)....silence....yes, I guess you would.

He texted half an hour later to say not to fund it. He walked over to the bank and did both of ours. I texted him later that was nice and he didn't have to. I had decided not to - I have a good retirement fund and would rather have a little more cash on hand this year. But, it came out of his accounts so I was appreciative.

He wrote, Look, I know I've made mistakes, but I don't wish you ill. I wish the best for you and the kids. I wrote back, look, I appreciated it and thanked you, do you have issues with me saying thank you and that we need to discuss so you are more comfortable?

So, next day...daughter is missing daddy hard core this week. That lovely day sunday means she wanted him mon and all tues morning. We had a fine visit tues night, nothing special. I popped out for awhile.

This morning H asked for a favor for a friend, easy thing. H also texted asking me how D is sleeping, since she had a nightmare mon night. I said she was normally fantastic and we were lucky to have such good kids. I texted this too, "you know, when we have a really nice time or d is crying for you, I think, God, maybe we should just stay together for the kids" (something I told him was a load of crap - to stay together till they are 18, then plan to split) He replied, "ya, I hear you." Then, since we'd been talking a bit and we obviously we not about to get into that, he wrote that he had to get back to work and would talk to me later.

If we reconcile, H needs to be fully committed to this, not just another 16 year crappy placeholder of a marriage. BUT, I'm ok with what I wrote. I honestly felt that way. I wasn't being down or negative. I am pissed that he's messing with our lovely kids and screwing up their sense of self and future relationships.....Yell away...I know this is a hell of a post.

Added to all this stress, my older sister is having some health issues and we're a bit worried it may be cancer and she has a house full of little kids. Minus - son's follow up to surgery went very, very well. Plus - after all the family coming the last 2 weeks, it is lonely around here (hence the trip to Niagara).

Can H ever make up for cheating....probably...can he make up for all the ways he's added stress to my life, the kids lives, and my family's lives, AND all the ways he's failed to support and help me through difficult times? I don't know.