OnMyWay: to who knows where?

[OnMyWay]

Your DB coach comment freaked me out a little - that when she stops complaining, she's stopped caring? Can you elaborate on that any? Isn't there a point where not complaining would mean she's realized how good you are/how good she had it versus being mad at what she doesn't get to do since she's left your family/the relationship?

AJ, that was in regard to the walk-away part of our R. My coach told me when W left, as long as she is complaining, she's still engaged in the R, no matter how negative it is. Basically, she still cares. When she stops complaining, then she's truly detached and no longer cares. The comment was all from a negative perspective and has nothing to do with trying to piece together a R. There are not positives here. There is no piecing; she is still very much a WAW. She still complains, but you are correct in that now, she's complaining less, but that is replaced with some other interests/activities with regards to our R.

I think my WAW interest in anything in my life or what D and I do is purely "fishing." My actions of late are of near complete detachment, which is a total 180 from where I was at the time she left. It feels to me to be a combination of "WTH is going on?" and an attempt to try to hold on to something she desperately fears she's loosing: her motherhood.

For example, this morning she was making pancakes at the house for D before I left for work. I was in the kitchen eating something and I'd get a feeling and turn to catch her watching me before quickly diverting her eyes. I blew it off and kept to my thing, but she is obviously thinking - I catch her watching me a lot, so she's definitely curious about something. Also, I noticed her demeanor around me is different. Before, she always had a defensive posture. Now she's more relaxed. However, I'm NOT changing my posture; I'm sticking to my policy of detachment.

I'm not a total cad: I sincerely hope she's making progress for her own sake. She starts her IC on May 5. I know she'll be trying to reconcile the parenting thing, as it is a big part of her guilt for leaving. Apparently, D told her Monday night that D & my weekend in San Diego has changed her (with regards to how she sees both of us as parents, I believe) - pretty big talk for an 8 yr old. That had to be a tough blow and perhaps a serious wake up call for WAW. However, my R w/ D is one thing I won't relent on. Next weekend she and I are planning a big weekend with friends on a boat in So. Cal. A couple of weeks ago, I offered W to join us. I won't offer again, as I think D & I will have more fun on our own.

This is the fun part, though, AJ. Now that I've reached detachment, DBing has become interesting. I can do different things and monitor results as if its an experiment because I'm no longer worried about the outcome. I know I'm getting better results than before, as the little things are adding up much quicker. I'm free now and I'm actually getting very good at DBing my sitch.

Any female perspective you can give on any of this will be greatly appreciated, cataloged, and used in future experiments.

I think it is different for you & your H. From your threads it seems, right now, he's living the best of both worlds (or perhaps he thinks he is) as long as the stripper is around, so he doesn't have much to complain about. He obviously cares a great deal, as shown by his participation with you & the kids. I'm agreeing with you that relocating may be the best thing. Force him to spend more time in his chosen reality without the benefit escaping back to his family. Full-time with a stripper will certainly get boring for them both very quickly.

Best wishes and thanks for the post!
OMW