How much longer in Separated?

[MichelleLT]

At some point you need to be clear with yourself, and also with her, about what life after D might look like. Would you still do all these things for her? Would you be able to be friends with her the way you are now? Everyone answers the questions a little differently, I could not be (but that was also because he wanted to be friends while he was still with OW which I just could not handle).

[Goodfight]

Jon,
I agree with River 100%. It sounds like W was testing the waters. My H has said to me twice now that he is relocating. The first time was a few months after we separated. Claimed he was moving to NY. I just said "Oh, that's good, maybe you'll be happier there." At the time I didn't want him to move but for some reason I wasn't as upset or afraid he would do it as I am now.

Now, he is saying that he wants the D finalized by June or July because he is relocating and wants to make a better life for himself (umm, he had a good one with me and the kids). He was in the angry stage (2 weeks ago tomorrow), so now I don't know what to believe. This time for some reason it hurt more this time. Anyway, I can't imagine him leaving his family. So I don't know if I should believe him or he is just saying this to get a reaction out of me. All I said was "How can you do that to D14? Wait how can you do that to all 3 of your kids?" His answer to our D14 was "Oh well", and I almost fell over when he answered the second question by saying the same thing "Oh well."

I didn't say anything after that....he has been stuck to his 2 sons like glue since they are old enough now to drive etc. He hangs out with them like he is their friend instead of their father.

Enough about me, sorry for going on and on. But Jon, my point is that your W isn't picking her family over you, I think she is really confused. Where as my H is picking his family over me and the kids. The kids don't even hear from any of my in-laws and since his parents are D'd and remarried I have 2 sets of in-laws. I tried to make peace with them for the kids sake but never heard a word back.

River, I would love for you to read my thread and give me your intake on what you think about my sitch. Sorry Jon for high jacking while answering to your thread.

[jon2911]

That's OK GF. Thanks for the advice River and Michelle. This is the big question right now and the reason I'm so down. It feels like some really big steps need to be taken and I probably won't like the outcome.

Really good talks with W on Friday night and Sunday night. I guess that's several Sundays in a row now. We talked about how she's enjoying it in New York, went to SIL's church. She texted me during the day asking for help with Powerpoint for SIL.

We started talking about job stuff, and I mentioned being swamped with my full-time job and my clients on the side. She asked if I could get all of my full-time job done during 9-5. I told her no, not right now. She said "I don't want to see you being 35 and still making that." I told her not to worry about it. She had an idea, to ask for a higher salary in 6 months, and if he can't do that, then ask for profit-sharing of some kind. She asked about sales and traffic and I said we're up 50% from this month last year. That is huge. She came across a little controlling, but I stayed upbeat and it's definitely something to chew on.

I had lunch with a friend today about moving in with me. He's a very cool guy and runs the music studio at my school. He's interested and will come check the place out Thursday. I've avoided getting a roommate all this time, even though W has had a few. I always wanted to keep the place and make it perfect for her to come back. And I'd still prefer that, but the loneliness is really getting to me and this might work out well. I feel like it's giving up and moving on, but not necessarily. It's just best for me right now.

My first stance on the D was that it's just paperwork. I even mentioned that to W. My C has me thinking a little differently. He also mentioned that as I pull back and don't pursue, I'm giving her a chance to come closer. That it shows strength. DBing 101 again. He also said all indications, apart from a few things she's mentioned, are that this is headed to D. I don't feel that way, or that it's even LRT time yet. Am I completely off? Anyone here feel free to chime in, these comments are so helpful.

To answer your question River, I don't know if it would work. Michelle, you're right, I need to decide this for myself and communicate it to her.

One day at a time.

[Goodfight]

Jon,

Like I mentioned before, I agree with River. I don't know if it is headed towards D or not. And your C can't read her mind either. So I wouldn't worry about that right now. She can file but then always stop it. She just sounds very confused to me right now. Give it time. And like a lot of people said on this board D is only a piece of paper and you can still reconcile.

I said the same thing to my H. It's only a piece of paper and doesn't change the feelings we have for each other and he went completely silent. Don't give up now.

[MichelleLT]

She will do what she will do.

What were you doing before all the family funerals and such that was different? What have you been doing since?

Something has changed. Whether it's how you are reacting, her pulling back because you were successful, or the family drama and stress I can't tell.

But something has changed and is impeding your forward progress right now.

So, you need to try and figure out what it is. Or at the very least brainstorm what else to try. And maybe the LRT is something to try.

[jon2911]

Monumental night last night. A friend heard a lot of hope in my sitch and counseled to try some very specific things with W. This guy actually specializes in helping bring marriages back together. After hearing that we talk 20-30 minutes a night, he offered these steps:

Unconditional Love - do not expect anything in return

Steps
1. Open with prayer

2. Ask her needs, spend 5-10 mins listening. Ask her about her emotions. Her pain. Her tears.

3. Repeat back to her what she said - assurance

"You are my best friend ever"

"I love you"

"I will be there for you no matter what"

4. What is going on in my life, 80% positives

5. Close in prayer


I took a deep breath, prayed and decided to give it a shot. And I can't believe what happened.

[jon2911]

Hey GF and Michelle! Thanks for the support and these are good questions. I might have some more answers now, or at least I tried something different, and it worked. Heading to the gym, more later.

[jon2911]

I was on the phone when W called, but switched over quickly. I didn't open with prayer, but I'm not sure about that part anyway. She was opening up to me immediately about her day, a sad letter from her mentor, who was trying to raise support as a missionary and failed. She also had a great time at a sushi restaurant, and we talked about one we enjoy going to. I said how much I enjoyed talking to her, and that shewas my best friend. I listened, then took a chance and asked her how her head was doing. She said it was really hurting that day, and she was worried because her nieces were coming in and she wanted to feel better. I asked if she would mind if I prayed for her right then.

I had told my friend that this would backfire, that I've said ortexted I'll pray for you and she hasn't liked it. He said of course, that's something we all falselysay, never intending to do it. Praying right then, with her on the phone, would be different.

Her voice softened, and she said "that would be nice". I prayed, then said I love you. She got even quieter and asked why I was so "mushy" all of the sudden. She asked if everything was OK. I said yes, that I actually got a new client that day, and things were going very well.

We kept talking until she fell asleep. I yelled YES as soon as getting off the phone.

Thinking of MWD's 3 stages, if we were in working through negative emotions this would have really backfired. Maybe we're on friendship and moving toward romance again.

In any case, it was a 180 for me, and it worked. She might find some decisiveness comforting right now. On the GAL side I got a free 3 months at 24-Hour Fitness thanks to a lawsuit. This works even at the premium clubs I wouldn't normally have access to. Hit my first tonight. So, for the next 3 months I will:

1. Hit the gym every day
2. Visit every Super Sport in Texas. That's 3 in Dallas, 1 in Austin, and 3 in Houston. I'm excited already!

[Goodfight]

Jon,

I'm so happy for you....things look like they are moving foward.

[jon2911]

Well, here came the pullback. Text at 1 AM last night "Sorry didn't have time last night. Your new usage of "love" and "prayer" is bothersome and unnecessary. Please don't start pursuing me again."

Appreciate your prayers everyone.