The most wonderful gift you can give yourself during this process is to stop trying to figure it out. You cannot make something rational out of the irrational. Yes, we all have lost a lot, but we do not have to be victims or look at ourselves as failures. No one should expect to be perfect in a marriage or free from mistakes. Our spouses vowed to give us that unconditional love, but something in their psyche or schemas prevents them from loving beyond themselves. This situation could be permanent or temporary. I am on year number (4), regardless I cannot waste anymore time.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
I hope I have half the sense you have 4 years out. I'm just facing THE BIG D after a 1 year separation, good 3-4 years of MLC. You seem to have all your ducks in a row.
Punkin, Thanks Punkin, time does heal and time in pain does help most of us grow. When I look back at the rejection, abuse, button pushing, the actual divorce, the divorce trial, the asset division, etc.... I can't believe I went through all of that and survived. But I did, and you will too. You will come out of this a different person, a much better person. I know what I want, and know what I will no longer tolerate.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Trusting, After many years at this, I have come to the conclusion that there are two main groups on the Boards [if you set aside the people who do not think that MLC exists at all] I totally agree with you and SA it is not an excuse, and that whatever their reasons, they need to be held accountable. But for some of us, understanding what is going on brings liberation, while for others it keeps them bogged down in their spouses drama.
I needed to understand WHY, and I now I largely do. That has enabled me to see it is not my problems but his. It enables me to feel some compassion [not invariably!!], and it enables me to move on. So while for you stopping trying to figure it out is the right thing, it isn't for all of us.
I have a very good friend on and off these boards, and she feels exactly as you do. We are both at about the same point, and we have recognised there are many roads out of dealing with MLC.
Continuing to love someone and let them go with sorrow and compassion is a hard thing to do, and many of us are on a rollercoaster with regard to this.
I totally agree with you. We are all different and deal with MLC in different ways.
For me, understanding MLC, as much as anyone can, was essential to my progress. When my formerly loving, dependable, responsible H went off the deep end and turned into someone we didn't know, I went looking for answers. After many hours of research I did find what I thought, and still do, happened to him.
The answers that I found allowed me to move forward. To step off the rollercoaster, knowing there is nothing I can do for H except to let him find his way, or not. I have no control of either.
This is just me though, and I fully respect the ways each of us handle this so we can continue to move forward.
I have certainly had to learn the lesson of not being in control of others, only yourself...
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
