He's not gone yet but says his feelings are gone

[Hurt-but-Hopeful]

Wow, it's kinda frustrating having my posts delayed. When does that end?

I have my IC today. I honestly don't know what either of us plan to accomplish in our joint appt on Thurs. The last time he went by himself, he said that I could make the appt for us at my next IC, but he wasn't going to schedule another IC for himself. Hopefully he'll change his mind because I really think it would help him. I plan to use this appt to kinda prepare myself for Thursday. When we went through "the s**t" last time, he didn't want to go to the C together until he decided that he whether he was going to stay. So I guess it's a positive that he is willing to keep going now.

He's been more engaged in conversation & seems happier the past few days. It's definitely a change since the week after his IC and our talks last week. He's talked about his brother & family coming to visit us this summer and what "WE" would do with them. I'm trying not to read too much into this. But I did read one of Michelle's blog posts that mentioned not missing the small positive steps and using that encouragement.

I'm trying to think of ways to do 180's. Going to a new church alone where I didn't know anyone is a big 180 for me. I also made an appt for a haircut on Fri at a new salon that I had hesitated for a long time to go to. The stylist is a daughter of a woman H works with, and I asked him to get her business card for me. He asked me a few times if I had made an appt, but stopped since the ILYBNILWY bomb. I'm going to get a new style. Something to make me feel good. I hope I surprise him at the same time.

I would hope at our MC Thurs that somehow he will figure out that he's looking at everything negatively & that's really not how things are. Maybe he'll figure out this is mostly MLC. I'm not saying I couldn't have done things any better; there are lots of things I need to improve on to help our R. But he's only seeing me & my depression as the problem. He's not seeing his contribution or the fact that this is so fixable.

Once again, I'm worrying about what he thinks & how he feels. I still haven't gotten the detachment down. I'm trying to remember the positive things he's said ("I don't want this to be it" re: R) without getting my hopes up.

We're still at a place where we can talk about things. He wants to feel more emotionally connected. He said he felt like our R revolved around my feeilngs & what was going on with me & he didn't get what he needed. One of the 180s that I have tried is not asking him if he's okay when he's sullen or when he complains about not sleeping well. I used to do that a lot - ask him if he was okay, and he'd say Yes! You keep asking me that! But I'm trying to find a balance between trying to change my response so that he can feel more emotionally connected and doing things differently. It's so confusing.

I'm having a hard time coming up with different things to do since we really don't fight. A lot of what DB talks about seems to involve fights. I need to get & read DR, too, I guess. We still get along fine, laugh, do most things together as a family. We still sleep in the same bed. I'm trying to let him take the lead on saying ILY (which he still does w/a kiss before he leaves for work & on the phone) and give him space & not pursue.

But there's also acting "As If". He says I've lost my confidence & that's part of what attracted him to me. I'm finding it hard to let him take the lead on some of this stuff, but still feel confident. Letting him end the phone call & seeing if he'll say ILY is awkward sometimes. I think he does it on purpose to see if I'll just hang up or say it. I'm going to to try to be more confident & end the calls myself next time. I just don't know whether to confidently say ILY or just say ok, bye. Anybody got a crystal ball I can borrow?