Big ups to Mach for helping me the other day. Just as expected, crazy MLC reared it's head. Except now, she's being way too nice. Giving me what I want. Being very friendly. Reaching out waaaaay too much.
BUT I'm fighting on. I'm not biting. I stopped the texts sat and then yesterday didn't even look her in the face when we were talking. She kept making small talk but I cut it off and simply walked away.
Then today... she kept texting me with random things. Some kid related some finance related but overall just crap. She then told me to get on FB chat! - now if you remember the issues, she was doing that with the OM!!! OH, and we aren't friends anymore so she can't do that!
Friggin crazy...then we find out that the youngest has an ortho appt next wed. She actually ASKS me to ride with them to the ortho. It's 20 minutes away from the house. I thought, huh? Are you NUTS?!
I think I know the answer already but, this is normal, right? My correct plan is to simply ignore and move on with my life. Something I'm trying to do but she is trying to not let me.
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
Except now, she's being way too nice. Giving me what I want. Being very friendly. Reaching out waaaaay too much.
Most of the time you're never going to know why she flip flops. Do your best to keep your focus on you and what you need to do given the current situation. Manipulation is really common, they will act a number of different ways to keep you close.
Quote:
yesterday didn't even look her in the face when we were talking. She kept making small talk but I cut it off and simply walked away.
I'm all for boundaries and taking a strong stance when called for. Where you're at right now, it's important for you not to let your guard down at the first sign of her being nice, however not looking her in the eye? Why not? Be strong and respectful.
Quote:
Then today... she kept texting me with random things. Some kid related some finance related but overall just crap. She then told me to get on FB chat! - now if you remember the issues, she was doing that with the OM!!! OH, and we aren't friends anymore so she can't do that!
Uh huh....This is the type of stuff you ignore.
Quote:
I think I know the answer already but, this is normal, right? My correct plan is to simply ignore and move on with my life. Something I'm trying to do but she is trying to not let me.
Haha! You said normal....yeah, this is common and yes keep moving ahead with what you need to do but also keep yourself in check as far as your actions being in line with your goals.
And look her in the eye when you speak to her, be strong and respectful without the edge or pissy-ness.
I guess the not looking her in the eyes was for my own self-preservation. I'm fine if I don't talk to her and especially if I don't see her. It's when I do, I falter.
I didn't mean it as disrespectful but right now I just can't do it. I'm a little weaker in that area.
I know it's way too early but at what point do you realize that it isn't just a manipulation? that it is something more?
I'm not falling for anything but I can't help not having hope when stuff like this happens. The thing I try to do is cut it off so it doesn't go long enough to give hope.
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
I know it's way too early but at what point do you realize that it isn't just a manipulation? that it is something more?
This is a difficult question to answer. But the best gauge, in my experience, has not dealt with words but with actions. They can say any number of things. But do the actions back up the statements is the key question.
For me, there were key things about my H's fog that were noticeable. And when he started to come out of it, those changed. Try to figure out what those are in your situation. For example, in mine, previous to his MLC, my H always kept the door to the house locked. It annoyed me sometimes because I would just go run an errand and come back to the house locked. Once he hit MLC and left home, he never locked the door after himself when leaving. Small but subtle. Once he started awakening, he started doing it again. It's like they're so self-absorbed, they're not conscious enough to care about others. Once they really start peeking out, they do. Even though my H is mostly back home now, I STILL use this as a gauge of his MLC, because even once they realize there is a fog, they still have a looooong way to go.
Another example was the type of conversations I'd have. Deep in his MLC, H hardly ever asked about me or my day or anything. Peripheral stuff perhaps, but nothing that a vague answer couldn't end. But again, once he started peeking out, he was showing genuine interest in me and D again (and the dog who he had mostly ignored). My usual vague answers weren't enough for him and he would continue to ask follow up questions to the point that I realized he ACTUALLY wanted to know (and wasn't just being polite). It was his ACTIONS that showed me what to believe.
Originally Posted By: Bolt
I'm not falling for anything but I can't help not having hope when stuff like this happens. The thing I try to do is cut it off so it doesn't go long enough to give hope.
Again this is very tough. So many times, I'd see glimpses of hope in subtle actions or subtle statements. But until those ACTIONS are continual and unambiguous over time, it's more than likely the normal ebb and flow of MLC madness. Remember, you are free to have hope. Just have no expectations. Big difference. Continue working on detachment and making YOU a better YOU. That's the only way you can guarantee yourself a positive future no matter what it holds.
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
Another example was the type of conversations I'd have. Deep in his MLC, H hardly ever asked about me or my day or anything. Peripheral stuff perhaps, but nothing that a vague answer couldn't end. But again, once he started peeking out, he was showing genuine interest in me and D again (and the dog who he had mostly ignored). My usual vague answers weren't enough for him and he would continue to ask follow up questions to the point that I realized he ACTUALLY wanted to know (and wasn't just being polite). It was his ACTIONS that showed me what to believe.
Not to hijack, but OH MY WORD!!!! This is exactly my husband!!! I have seen him peek out of the fog by these same actions, as well as doing things when he is at the house to ensure my and D16 safety! The selfishness is CRAZY WICKED, but when you see these kinds of actions you know it is not selfish and genuine.
Lorie W47 H48 D16 M20 H gone 11/9/10 lives w/OW
When you forgive,you heal. When you let go,you grow. When you cry to God, you surrender. When you love unconditionally, you show others Christ's love.
The W and I had a talk last night and the R did come up. I asked what we were doing and she reiterated that we were done. That she was done and has been for a long time. That there's nothing I can do.
I guess I just have to come to that conclusion as well and realize that my family is now different. There aren't 4 of us but 3. I'm not happy about it but I can't fight for something when my partner is no longer my partner.
I'm not too sure this is MLC. She's simply moved on and is unwilling to even think about getting back. She was very calm and actually kind about it last night. She apologized and said she doesn't like hurting me but she can't be in this relationship anymore.
I'm not exactly devastated but just sad. A little depressed but mostly sad that the life I thought I was going to have the rest of my life no longer exists.
This will take me some time but I will survive. I need to own this pain and sadness and eventually move on.
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
Regardless, My goal is to behave in a way that I am proud of.
Quote:
I'm not exactly devastated but just sad. A little depressed but mostly sad that the life I thought I was going to have the rest of my life no longer exists.
I just read a passaage in a book this morning that was talking about expectations (nothing to do with DB or R's per se), and how much more disappointed we are when we have them. Even about how you think the day will go.
The writer used a really good analogy about gifts. The gist of it was would you rather someone got you a gift off of a list you had made up or a surprise? Granted all surprises aren't even something we'd like, but when we are open to them, life is much more enjoyable.
This doesn't mean we don't all have expectations to some extent. What I have learned is to be more open and spontaneous about things in general.
I know this doesn't really help right now. Perhaps something to ponder later.
Not gonna bust your chops anymore about the eye contact thing.
I get it.
It's something for you to work on though. Maybe find a quiet place and take a look at it from an outside perspective. No judgements, maybe just try to ponder why, and accept it for what it is right now. I can understand the whole faltering thing. All this tends to give our confidence and or self esteem a hit.
I'm not going to argue the fact that you should or shouldn't feel that way, hell I remember those days all too well. Just don't own anything that isn't yours. You should hold your head high and be proud of who you are and what you believe in. Don't ever let anyone rob you of that.
You're going to be great no matter how this all plays out. Believe that, say it out loud. Be easy on yourself, you have enough pressure as it is.
. I asked what we were doing and she reiterated that we were done. That she was done and has been for a long time.
Anything can happen. I'm not at all encouraging you to be in denial about your current situation, but this is the answer you're gonna get when you ask. She isn't ready to look at herslef and most likely won't be for a while.
