Another New Day 2

[~ kd ~]

Hey Islander... 'cause you, 9, and me all seem to be in similar sitches, I read comments on your's and 9's threads as though they are responses to me. It's been very helpful.

I found out one thing. Dropping the rope or detaching does not make you love her any less nor does it make you hope any less. What it DOES is allow you to get off a roller coaster of her making.

That's when you can be pro-active and not reactive. As country said, when there's contact, you can DB. If you've detached, then you can respond and DB in a positive way. And when you see things going bad, you can walk away and not feel bad about it.

[islander]

I read our sitchs like they are one in the same a lot of the time. It really helps reading it that way too. You get a lot more advice that way.

Detaching. Very difficult. But some days are better than others. The last 2 days have been ok.

I guess I am trying to figure out what works right now.

W text me again yesterday and wanted to know if I was going to be home last night. I responded "later, why". And never heard back. ????

I did not let it get me down. IDK what is going on with her. A lot of contact about nothing recently. She's just wondering what I am doing. I guess I will let her wonder then.

[~ kd ~]

I think it's the fear in us, that when they appear curious about us and if we do nothing to respond and then they stop, we worry that we blew an opportunity.

I have only dropped the rope two days ago, so I can not tell what the results are yet. But I have no doubt that there will be plenty of opportunities in the future. Just by working towards D. Certainly this is a LRT and I have accepted that we will D unless W gets to a different place around this. I cannot make R happen, but I can respond positively if it appears that could happen.

Monday and Tuesday we've had a lot of comm. Whatever the reason, I've DB'd like a mad man. Many positives and they always seem to end positive, while starting a negative or having negative potential.

But I don't FEEL the negative from W's words any more. Like my RL version of a "flame proof suit"... ;-)

[islander]

Fear of missing an opportunity. Right on point.

Quick update. I need to sleep after working the midnight shift, so this should be short.

I exchanged several tm with W on my way home this morning, about what time she was dropping off my SD in the morning. W initiated the texts, then asked again if I was going to be home tonight.

I asked her why she keeps asking me that, as it was the third time in as many days, bit she has never elaborated.

W said she wanted to k ow what I was doing with my D tonight, and was going to ask her to keep her tonight but decided nit to ask. (I am working, and my D will be with her parents).

I asked her what about the other times this week, and she responded she was going to come over, but changed her mind. I did not ask any more questions at that point. Who really knows, and I won't get a straight answer anyway.

So I tell W she can take my D tonight, I was trying to be nice and let her spend time with her and maybe as a byproduct she would remember how much she
loved her.

Anyway, W then asks what time I want her back, tonight.

WTF. She knows I am working.

I say what do you mean, weren't you keeping her tonight.

W says you mean overnight??

I say yea, what else does can I keep her tonight mean.

W says I didnt think you would let me keep her overnight.

Again, what else does that question mean.

Anyway, W wants to know if she can let me know when I wake up, as she has to go to work and make sure she can get off early.

Well, W has been saying all week she is getting off work early, and which is the only reason she was going to keep her D with her tonight rather than at her parents house.

I feel like she is playing games, and I did not respond to her last tm. I am going to take my D to her parents tonight as planned and leave it at that. If she wants to pick up my D from them that is fine and I will tell them it is ok, but I am not going to play these word games with hidden meanings with her.

I started to feel like she was going to have OM with her later tonight and second guessed her decision to keep my D overnight, bc she k ows that will not go over well with me.

Or

She never thought I would let her have her overnight, and asked not wanting to take her or expecting me to agree.

I am analyzing WAY TO MUCH. Idk what she is thinking.

[ninelives]

And you may never know. Islander , I know what you are going through and it really is so painful.

I dont have the answers, I know what both of us should be doing but as kaffe said, walking the walk isnt easy. And it really isnt easy for me or you it appears.

I dont know why I can detach and maybe we are in the same boat of disbelief. But the sooner we get grounded in reality, the better it will be for us.

Im not saying that it will be good. Nothing short of a time machine will ever make this good IMO. But we have some realities to really wrestle with.

There is absolute crap, in which we cant sleep, cant watch TV, cant focus on anything. ( and that has passed thank God)

and there are degrees that are better until we actually feel good and really detach.

I dont see that happening for some time but I need to get further in the degrees of feeling better and so do you,

You cant dangle on every carrot she throws your way. Its just not healthy. I dont want to increase the pain but think about what she is doing. She is with an OM and doing things that you used to do with her and she is OK with that.

There has to come a point where that is front and center to our realities Islander and we cannot put up with that.

If she wants to come back, then we can look for the gift of forgiveness. Maybe Im of weak character or my faith isnt strong, but i have difficulty unconditionally forgiving her while she continues with another man.

If she was alone, I think I could forgive her. But there is simply too much pain that has been inflicted on me, our children and our extended family.

Continue to be remade Islander, be new.

9

[~ kd ~]

I think it was OMW who said (paraphrased), "when I look at my W from my peripheral vision, I see the W I knew and loved. When I look at her dead on, I see someone who I do not know, someone who I am not attracted to"...

Look AT her. Completely. Her behaviours towards you. How she behaves with others. Her new friends, her social interactions. The bizarre things she's doing. The things that feel hurtful.

And feel the weight of that.

You are not crazy. She is that person, right now. Everyone else who knows her, sees it. In one way or another. Some, like you, don't like the new her. Others will say that she is "so much better, now". But everyone notices.

Now. Remember. The person that you love is a picture. A moment in time. We hold that picture close to us. We remember THAT moment and want THAT moment back.

The reality is, we cannot have THAT moment back.

Detachment is realizing that we want a picture, frozen in time, that will never be again. We can remember and love that picture... that moment... and that's good. And remember that we do NOT want what is in front of us. DO NOT superimpose that picture over top the person who is now in front of us. They are not the same. Put the picutre on the lamp table, look at it from time to time, and smile... and move forward...

You can take more pictures in the future. That's the hope and dream. And that CAN happen. Just not with the person you see in front of you.

And IF, by the luck and will of God, or some other mysterious force, or our own patience, the person in front of us emerges to be someone we can love. That we can create new pictures of love with, then wouldn't that be nice.

Learn this person in front of you well. You are "courting" again. If the person is not someone you would date. Not because they remind you of someone... of some picture... but because of who they are. Their... soul... then don't give them a second look.

That's detached...

[ninelives]

Well said Kaffe. Still sad though. Especially when children are involved. My kids deserved a childhood with two parents that loved them in the same house.

No one can tell me different.

9

[~ kd ~]

Yes, 9. I completely agree. 100%. Not a single, shred of doubt.

The difference between a widow and a LBS?

A LBS has to contend that a body that resembles their spouse still exists and try to come to the realization that body is not their spouse.

I do not have answers for myself how to deal with the fact that, while my W is a picture I remember, that there is a body in my town that resembles my W, that my W does not exist. And yet, that body still is the co-parent of my children.

I cannot find a replacement parent for my children. Should NOT find a replacement parent for my children. They love that parent just as they love me.

But I cannot "fix" this. I feel I've let my children down. And I know that if I COULD fix this, my children would be happier. That's what I WANT for them. It's what they deserve. And they have to contend with the reality that the other parent does NOT want to fix this. And I cannot make that better for them.

Do we really stop to think that we're telling our children that we would make it all better if we could. And that our spouses are telling our children any number of things from: they don't want to fix it, or they don't know how to fix it, or there is nothing to fix, or that it's all our fault this happened and cannot be fixed.

How grand it would be if our children would hear from both parents: "I don't know how to fix it, but I will work on it, and I will make it fixed, no matter what or how long it takes."

It's resentment talking, when we say our children deserve both parents, in a functional M. Of course they do. And we are angry that we are here... we've stepped up... and we are waiting for the other spouse... and they never get there.

[ninelives]

Exactly Kaffe: maybe ill continue this on my thread as to not hijack Islander.

[islander]

No worries 9. I have not posted that much on my thread anyway AND I just posted to your thread instead of mine.


I will respond more later. Just picked my D up and have to get ready for work soon.

I woke up and tm W.

M: did you decide what you were going to do.

W: no, i think maybe I just need to spend time alone with D tonight, nlbut I really want to see SD.

(translation: OM will be here tonight, so I cant take SD tonight)

M: I am just going to take D to your parents like I planned.

W: ok

This stuff is driving me crazy. I know I am letting it happen though. She just has to push my buttons. Why even ask if you don't want to do what you are asking.

I need to get to a place where I don't let this bother me, that I don't hang on to every word.

My goal for the next week is to not talk to her at all. Just go dark for a week. Maybe I will email her work let her know when my parents will be coming back to town with the girls.

This kind of life is absolutely crazy!!!!!!!!